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Thanks labug. The longer my sitch continues the more I realise my own contribution to the downward spiral. Yes I believe H is going thro MLC and has made incredibly self centred choices over the last year but realistically I can't sit back and believe my actions in our R had no significance.

Here's my latest head spin tho - and I would really be interested in a few other PICs please? I am currently out of town at a conference (my first ever, have been focussing on career...seems to be working!) Anyway H quite happy to have D10 for me. So yesterday morning before school, D10 and I dropped into Hs place
to drop off her stuff. We were chatting in the driveway - H, me D10 & D10s suitcase. A couple walked past, the guy said a cheery hello then, obviously noticing the suitcase, laughingly said "she's not kicking you out is she?" To which H replied, also laughingly, "not yet". My jaw just hit the floor!!! He moved out 10 months ago!!! How did his brain even come up with that response given our situation????

Wow, yes there certainly a lot of similarities! Maybe you and I should have gotten married and our spouses should have married each other, then we'd all be happy because you and I would be happily married and our spouses would be walking away from each other, LOL!



That's a good point, there may have been something valid in his complaint although on the face of it it sounded a little ridiculous. But even if it was a crazy comment it's important to validate his concerns whether you believe them or not- tell him you understand why he feels that way. That's been a big 180 for me because whenever my wife ever raised an issue my reaction was to try and explain it away, but after learning about DB'ing I've been pretty good about stopping that and just validating her instead and also taking her seriously and figuring out what I can do to change myself per her concerns.



That's fantastic! Just the kind of thing to keep your H guessing what you're up to

Hi I posted here the other day but it hasn't shown yet, I don't know if I did it wrong or if it is still waiting on moderation. Anyway i thought I would post the same question again in case it was me so apologies if it is all repeated. I have added some more thoughts coz, well, a few days have passed which means a few extra thoughts have wandered into my head!!

Its just that this week my head was sent spinning again!! I've been focussing a lot on my career and got invited to go with my CEO to my first conference (great validation for me!) H has been very pleasant so I asked him if he could have D10 for the three days. He was very supportive, seemed pleased for me about the conference so all good, D10 and I dropped round on Wed morning before school to drop off her stuff. So we are standing at the end of driveway - H, me, D10 and D10s suitcase. An older couple walked past, said a cheery good morning then obviously noticing the suitcase the guy laughingly says "she's not kicking you out is she?" To which H cheerily replied "not yet!"

My jaw just dropped. Look, I get it was just a casual comment and we don't tell our awkward situation to every complete stranger but he moved out in February...how did his brain even come up with that response??

There's a bit of a pattern...he does carry on as if nothing has happened. All good, let's be friends and carry on. He took months to tell his mother, its not on the radar at his work and its not on the grapevine in our community. It's like he doesn't want anyone to know that beneath the superficial pleasantries all is not as it appears. Let's be honest, he can't even acknowledge that openly to me!! Is it guilt? Confusion of his MLC fog? Fear of consequences? Avoidance? Support 'good guy' self image? All of the above?

I would love some feedback just to get an idea of the thought process I'm dealing with.

Also, did I do the right thing just letting it go with no comment or should I have challenged him? Thinking for next time.

Arghhh its all so confusing!!

And now I have another question. H is moving to a new place as his lease ran out. He just texted me asking me over later in the week for a coffee, its his weekend with D10. I didn't know how to reply!! Eventually I replied with 'thanks, maybe we can work out a suitable time later in the week" So whats that about? Its like he wants me to be his friend, sure we get along good - the way I see it tho is we are not friends, this is not friendship, its the remains of a marriage. And the reason the remains are good is because the marriage was good . So do I go over for coffee or am I busy???

On a positive note I think I am seeing some clarity with regards to 180s. At fist the idea seemes a bit artificial to me, like I needed changing to suit H, with a motivation that was a bit manipulative. However, what I am now coming to see is that the process needs to involve thinking about behaviours that you can 180 to improve yourself as a person and therefore will lead to a better future for me. Regardless of whether that future ends up being with H or not. Self development not change just for the sake of change. In a lot of ways, we are being given a unique opportunity to stop and take stock of our lives and life philosophies. To work out what is really important to us and decide what kind of person we want to be moving forward. I get to evaluate and improve on the 'past me' to make a better 'future me'. Thats really empowering and exciting.

Here's a 180 that showed almost immediate response. Which is good coz,sometimes I just need that little sign of change to keep positive about the path I have chosen.

So the other day I asked my dad to show me how to start the lawn mower. H has dropped around a few times to mow the lawns which drove me a bit
insane. again its that "I'm a good guy" thing.

Anyway Dad showed me what to then sat back while I mowed my lawns for the first time ever! I swear we were as excited as each other when I was done.

Best of all, at D10's school concert a few days later H leaned across our other daughter and offered to come over this weekend and mow the lawns. So I calmly said " thanks but they have already been done". Yay for me and what great timing!!

And then even better, H dropped by this weekend to "check your dad showed you right"!!!! LOL ...

And to drop off the lawnmower fuel can. That was the only downer, coz why dud he even have our lawnmower fuel can. I try to think on the interaction the 180 created rather than wondering whose lawnmower he has been filling up!!

^

I am preparing for first property settlement mediation session tomorrow and finding the idea tough. I can't believe we are even here considering this. I still forget sometimes that we are not still a happy couple. I tortured myself looking back through old messages on my phone today and this day last year H sent me a photo of himself and D17 with a message saying "We love you". And here we are a year later working out to divide up a lifetime of everything we have build together from nothing. It feels like my un-wedding day.

Where we are, can't divorce until 12 months post separation but can work out settlement / child custody & support etc anytime. We have headed down the path of mediation rather than the court system - I think this will be better, less adversarial and confrontational. However it means I am on my own, sure there is an independent mediator, but I will be relying solely on me. I have seen a lawyer so feel as ready as I will ever be but i don't think I will ever be ready.

I am guessing if he is moving property settlement along he will be moving onto divorce as soon as he is able to do so. Which means any time after March 1st I can just receive a letter in the mail telling me I am divorced and my marriage will be officially over. That will really feel like my un-wedding day. I feel so discarded and disposable. And so easily replaced.

I am trying to think 'business' - take care of me and my children. One friend at work said to me today 'You didn't deserve what you got, so now you deserve whatever you can get" That did help put me into a better space. But emotions keep getting in the way.

Hi JustJudy

Just read through your thread and I have to say I have been so inspired by your attitude. I am very new to this "MLC" game myself and at times I struggle to do the things I am supposed to do, whilst experiencing some good days and some not so good.

It is nice knowing that there are other people out there who are going through the same as me. I can only hope that further down the line I have the same positive attitude as you.

Try not to guess at anything. Easier said than done because we want to know what's coming but the fact is we never really know.

Try to live one day at a time.

I feel so discarded and disposable. And so easily replaced. This is not true and if you continue to do the work you ned to do, you will eventually see that.

It does take time and work.

Being business like at this stage is helpful

It's just one of thoseautomatic, ha-ha, throw-away responses. Keeps things on a superficial level. Don't read into (mindread) anything. I don't think men are as attuned to those subtleties as women are, generally.

Congrats on your career ramping up!

I think you've about got it covered

My H is much the same. We went to a doctor's appt for one of our sons and as I wrote in a post here, anyone who observed us would have thought we were still married and ...happy!

The less they can think about what's going on the better because it creates anxiety. If others knew, they might question his actions and again he would have to think about it and the anxiety is back

There's my 10 cent version.

Let it go, there's nothing to be gained by confrontation about little things as it probably makes him anxious and he will then blame his feelings on you. Again.

I think I would be "friendly" and decline. He doesn't want to be married to you, you're finding your own life, moving forward.

Or tell him you'll drop by for 15 minutes and make sure it's only 15 minutes. Make sure you have somewhere you "need to be."


You've got it, Girl!

In that particular case he was probably just trying to avoid the embarrassment of disclosing to a complete stranger that you already are separated. I wouldn't try to read too much into it, he was just trying to churn out a polite response. As for the whole thought process in general, WAS's are typically confused and even in turmoil internally even though they may seem calm and collected on the outside. Most are in pain over their choices and constantly questioning themselves. This often results in them making contradictory statements. That's why the one DB rule says to believe nothing they say and only half of what they do.



No response was the right approach.



That's a great reply. You implied that you have a busy schedule and that you need to work out a time for it. Perfect. What you don't want to do is come off sounding needy/ anxious like "oh yes, I'm available any time on any day, just let me know!!"



It's just coffee! Don't stress so much over it. Just go and don't have any expectations. Maybe he wants to talk about something or maybe he just wants to reach out to you a little. There's no harm in it either way.



I would go. If he starts asking you out once a week for coffee then do be too busy to go now and then. The DB rule of thumb is if you're invited then go to some and be too busy for others. You want to be available, but within the context of moving on and GAL. It's important to be mysterious so he wonders what you're up to.



Yes, exactly. You start doing 180's to get your spouse back, but at some point you realize they are as much for you and your future R's as they are for your spouse.



Very well said When you get to that point then the 180's become easy, and eventually they're not 180's anymore but just part of you. I wish everyone could come to the same realization as you, because at that point your DB'ing is a success story whether you reconcile or not.