Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers House for sale. So Sad. Family Breaking Up (pt 2)

So, all that helps to understand but these are things you can do nothing about.

And I doubt she's consciously playing head games. I can only speak from my experience, I was much like your W as you describe her (except for the tardiness). Don't know if you've read my threads or other posts, I've mentioned it here and there. Being an emotional abuser is a difficult admission to make but I in order to get better I had to admit it.

That being said, I can honestly say that I was never intentionally playing mind games or any kind of games. It was just who I was at that point in time. I even remember telling my H when he was complaining about my behavior, "I'm not doing it to you, I'm just doing it and I don't know why." I had an idea why but even tho I was seeing an IC, I wasn't ready to address that yet.

I had brought survival techniques and a huge amount of fear from my childhood into adult hood and didn't know how to let them go. That's not an excuse but a statement of fact. I believe that we aren't responsible for what happened to us as children but we are responsible for how we live our lives as adults.

So this is not to let your W off the hook for her behavior but don't fall into the trap of giving it more power than it really has by assigning evil intent to it. She may be a truly evil woman but if that's the case I doubt you'd want to stay married to her.

Dwelling on her faults is a wasted endeavor. My H had/has his faults, they weren't the same as mine but were destructive to the M none the less. No one wins in playing the tit-for-tat game. I played the victim for a long time, complaining about his faults instead of working on mine, sure that if he changed then everything would be OK.

Flawed thinking because the only person I can change is me. Continuing to focus on his faults kept me stuck.

The only person I can change is me. I had to figure out who I really wanted to be, what were my values, goals, strengths.

So what kind of man do you want to be?

Figure that out and be it, no matter what your W does or says.

Detach, move forward, don't blame where you are on anyone, not even you.

hang in there Floyd...it sounds like you are doing a great job with the girls...I have two D's as well that love their mother very much but prefer to stay with me as I am still in the family home and much more stable than W....if you are looking for GAL ideas 25yrsmlc has a lot of examples of how to get out and Gal....your W will try to blame you for any little thing she can and try to make you out to be the problem to justify her actions..so beware..and try not to take her actions personally..

there are times when I think I am coming out of the woods and then get slapped in the face again....

Floyd, some of the things you say about your W remind me of my H - the "stonewalling", the emotional abuse. Then when Bug said that she brought survival techniques with her from childhood, that made a lot of sense to me in my sitch. Did your W have a difficult childhood?

I feel you fighting so hard to bring things back to "normal." What Bustorama said about the LBS fighting to "fix it" really fits here. Your W seems absolutely bound and determined to get her D and move on, and I think she's distancing herself from the kids so that she isn't tempted to change her mind.

Continue to work on dropping the rope, turn away but don't close the door... you gotta live for you and the girls at this point... she is going to do her own thing. My H - same - although he's taking a lot longer...

Thanks labug, 7720 and RLA.
Yes, she definitely has childhood issues and teenage issues. A lot came out in therapy. Some I knew, some was new to me and some I got more of an understanding. Her parents were controlling old school European/Portuguese. They were critical of her and her 2 sisters. They have both had marriage issues and resolved. One sister had an affair too and it took them 2 years. My W used them as an example when she was begging to save our M to work on it for 2 years. The other sister has been married for 30 years but they have certainly had their turmoil. 10 years ago my W made me cry when she told me she never even had a bike growing up. I got her in the car immediately and took her to get one and taught her to ride. She did miss a lot of simple things. There is resentment with her parents. The 3 of them have it and I have been there when they have gone on their rants about them. Especially the younger sister about her mother. But they never confront them and are all still at their beck and call and pretend they love them so much. They do but there is resentment there. I have seen it and heard it. She definitely is using survival techniques learned from way back. Bury the problem. Don't face the problem and fix it. Run. Turn away. Cold shoulder. Ignore. Distance. Shut down. These are all learned behaviours. The in-laws have been so good to me though. They are very simple folk.

She's protecting herself from the inevitable pain. In that situation the goal is to control as much as you can so you can minimize mistakes for which you might be seen as the cause...and then the hammer comes down.

But you can't fix her, she has to realize that there is something better, that she can be better and then she has to work to get there.

The in-laws have been so good to me though. And this makes it even more difficult because "everyone" probably thinks they are wonderful people so it can be very confusing, and she probably turns all her anger toward them back to her because everyone says they are such wonderful people, how can I be angry at them. It must be me.

But this is hers to fix.

Is she in therapy?

She is getting coaching on how to go through divorce and the process. I would not call it therapy though. She cried and coaxed me into MC after her A revealed and begged and begged we work on it for 2 years. She even wanted to renew vows. I was turned around in therapy and got it early on. Once the MC's (tried 2 of them) turned the focus on her issues it freaked her out. She could not deal with the psychology nor understand she is still responsible as much as I for the dysfunction prior to the A. She refuses to accept her part and refuses to accept how she handles things. I had been back to see bot therapists after the S and they both hugged me and said they were proud of me but W just won’t allow herself to see herself. She only believes it was I that needed to change and is the root of it all.

Hang in there Floyd and keep being a great dad for your kids. The more I read about your sitch the more I think we married identical people. I understand exactly how you feel regarding the frustration and hurt from living with someone that never takes blame and puts all the blame on you.

With that no matter how hard it is there is nothing we can do to change them. They have to want to change and it doesn't seem like either of our W's want to at this point. We need to continue to be great dads for our kids, continue to work on ourselves, and GAL.

Thanks Spartan. We definitely have similar sitches. I am glad I know who and what I am. Sad to see someone else self destruct but it is about me and the kids now as hard/mean it sounds. I cannot worry about W even though I see her screwing up in so many ways...personally, financially, as a parent, as a friend, etc etc. though I guess this newly found independence is new to her so maybe she will find her way. I have lived a on my own before and am not afraid of that. I think I did too much for her in many ways. Our first MC even told,me in a one-on-one session in some ways it is my fault for letting her walk on me and control for so long without putting my foot down. That was interesting. That was over a year ago she said that.

I was turned around in therapy and got it early on. Once the MC's (tried 2 of them) turned the focus on her issues it freaked her out.

This is great for you! Sometimes it can be easy, or at least that's what I've heard.

For me it wasn't so easy. Took me time to be able to face what I had to face and I went through 3 ICs before finding the right one.

FM, I know this is hard but your best move is to step back completely and let her figure this out. It may mean you sell the house and you get a D. But staying with her won't fix her, fighting her decisions won't fix her.

The most loving thing you can do is detach.

Yep...it seems that is the case. MC wasn't easy and it was a few sessions and I swallowed a lot of pride but I got there. What is frustrating is W's begging and pleading and crying to save the M and I took the bait. Seems it was really for her timetable and agenda and control. It all seems so fake and I was duped. That was the biggest head game. She begged and cried for my heart back after she crushed it only to stomp on it again and again. Very manipulative.
Funny! I have been bantering this morning on email with my best friend since we were born. He left his W of 20 years for another woman 4 years ago and he is so unhappy and wants out ... he is so full of regrets. He misses home and what he had and does not want to be with this other woman anymore.