Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers 3 Years after D-Day, part 2. Separated 9 Months.

LongRun, do you have another thread on your situation besides, "My Little Story"?

I just read that one.

Ed

LongRun, do you have another thread on your situation besides, "My Little Story"?

That's my first and only thread. I am not updating frequently as my job keeps me very busy.

I finally heard from my W, for the first time since the day before Thanksgiving, which has now been 16 days, requesting a visit with our S9 this Saturday.

We already have plans to travel and attend my entire extended family Christmas party. which we go to every year. So, i wonder if this is an opportunity to point out her affects of her alcohol relapse or if i just keep it short and tell her about our plans for the family party.

Here is her e-mail and my Draft i wrote, just to vent.....

Wife's:

It's been an exceptionally rough couple Weeks for me. Please forgive my distance. First was having issue with phone, struggled like crazy to get couple bills paid. Been having huge problems with car. Took that in finally the other day. Apparently I need a new car. Trans is pretty much shot and back driver side spring broken. World cost over 4000. Mechanic shop strongly recommended don't bother fixing out it.I hurt a rib at work. That's just been an added bother on top of everything else. I have been struggling to get hours at work. We signed new contact finally but it's not good. I myself voted against it. Anyway that's what's been going on with me. Saturday is W's pregnant sisters baby shower. could I meet you at karate and pick up Son for it? Her fathers ex-wife and her pregnant sister and her sisters friend would like to see him and girl cousin be there and has been asking if he can come. I'm sorry for my distance. It was much harder getting through holidays then I ever imagined, now add vehicle, financial, and medical, yes just not been good. But something hit me the other day. I can sit hear sad and feeling sorry for myself or I can get off my ass and do all I can to fix it.I'm choosing the getting off my ass one. Please let me know today about tomorrow. I can get him to yoyo whenever you need him back. Shower is from 2 to like 4 or 5.

My Not Sent Draft:

. My Sweet Dear Wife's Name,

Firstly, we are going away on Saturday for a family Christmas Party and will not be back until Sunday night.

I feel so bad for all that you are going through. It still hurts me deeply to watch the one person i still love go through continual physical, financial and emotional pain.

Yet, how much you have blinded yourself to what has changed in you and your life since you started drinking again.

You have changed your principals and thinking so drastically, yet when a person is active on their addiction, they only seek out people who support the destructive behavior.

If you think i am being mean, self righteous and judgmental, nothing could be farther from the truth. I have significant faults too and am continually trying to become a more constructive and compassionate man and father. I initially desired to prove to you that i would do anything to become the best husband you could ever have prayed for, but now it's for my own growth.

Have you tried to examine what choices you have made and actions done and not done since you started your relapse? You fell into the trap of following in the footsteps of your moms relapses when you were growing up

As a matter of fact, do you recall saying, "Oh, i just realized that i relapsed at the exact same age as my moms worst relapse. I guess i have 10 years of F'ing up my life before i start to get my chit back together."

When you 1st moved out and i told Our Son and asked him how he was feeling, he said, "Well, i thought i would be sad, but I'm only a little bit sad, because mama is never around and doesn't ever do anything with us anyways." And, "Mama is not part of the family. You and me are the family dada."

Have you ever seen yourself and your actions through your childs eyes before?

You haven't made financial responsibility for our son a priority for his well being, yet you are out at bars until closing time partying and having a good time with all your new drinking buddies so frequently that you proudly boast that the one place is Wife's Name bar.

Have you ever thought of the consequences to our son for the rest of his life due to your new drinking lifestyle? Think back on how you felt about your mom when she was partying and put more priority in that than she did on you. History repeats itself. The best predictor of future behavior is the current and past behavior.

Two months before your mom got sick, you wrote, "When i die, i want to be remembered for being a good wife, a good mother and a good friend." Another point you felt at that time, was, "Too many women are way too selfish and want more out of life instead of being content with what they have. They become greedy, always seeking to be happier, but happiness can only be had by being grateful for what you have. These women wind up wondering why they are called sluts, when all they do is cheat on their husbands and act provocatively with other men."

I intentionally only used your own words and Our Sons own words, so that it wasn't me making those statements.

What i feel is that you are still lost. I still believe that the Wife's Name that i knew before and committed my love to is still there, but buried in resentment so much that she can't forgive me for my mistakes and that will remain buried as long as you remain addicted to your alcoholism and partying ways.

I will assist you in any way possible if you ever want to reach out for help with your drinking.

End.

I think it's too much of a blame and guilt trip, yet i wonder if it might prompt her to think about her drinking and consequences.

Any suggestions?

Me

I never did send that draft e-mail.

I guess i just needed to vent my frustrations somewhere i felt was safe.

I actually was wondering if she should be offered an opportunity to come here to set up our Christmas tree and decorate it with our S.

But, when i asked my S what he would like, he said if that other guy was still with her, then definitely not.

Ed

Me and my son did get the living room cleaned last night, but i still need to vacuum and steam clean the area before i bring up the bins.

I want to just shake her and wake her up from this nightmare she has put our family through.

Her screwed up thinking and my reaction to it took what should have been the easy years that we could coast on autopilot and ruined that dream.

I won't have a problem changing the traditions, because it will be way scaled back to just the necessities to make our Son happy.

She just doesn't get it, but do any of the WS's?

I have an ear doctor appointment and one with my PCP to draw blood this morning.

I do miss my W's presence though. It doesn't feel like life will ever be what i thought it seemed to be.

I also have some maintenance work to do at my commercial property that i have up for sale this afternoon, then off to my Sons karate class and then to a book reading club he is in at the library this evening.

Ed

I kept my response e-mail as short as possible last Friday.

Me to W: " We are going away on Saturday for a family Christmas Party and will not be back until Sunday night because we will be staying overnight."

She then replied, asking what time we would be leaving?

Which i did not reply to due to feeling angry that this was the 1st contact since the day before Thanksgiving and i felt it was too last minute, in addition to us already having plans made.

I currently feel that by not replying with details or answering her follow up question was immature on my part.

I feel like letting her know that i should have provided her more information and that i apologize for being so to the point and that was all.

What do you guys think?

Also, i am concerned about our communications, especially about our S becoming resentful and was considering asking if she would be willing to attend a weekend Retrouville retreat to explore our communication dialogues and potentially re-establish a better relationship between us, for the benefit of improved co-parenting and to see if there still is an ember of a spark buried away, awaiting to be rekindled.

You've actually done the right thing. Don't answer every mail of hers. You have your own life to live. Don't make the mistake of apologizing. Now's the time to give her space. Enjoy the Christmas visit with your son, that's what counts now. Wait with the Retrouville suggestion, the time is not ripe yet.

I had a Scout Pack Christmas party to go to with my s last night.

It was mostly a good time.

Last year i was selected to play Santa Claus.


The Scouts Christmas Party was fun.....

Until i received a call from my W, which she became very emotional talking about our S.

Things have been going tough for her recently, financially speaking and also regret for not seeing our S on a regular basis.

She also said that she was glad that both of her parents were out of her life now, actually premising that with, she was glad they both died. By that she meant that their dysfunctional influence was out of her life and now she feels she is finally getting to discover who she really is.

She says that the only thing that is keeping her together, talking about no purpose in life, is that she is looking forward to having our S overnight the day before Christmas Eve, so that it wouldn't interfere with the Christmas Eve and Christmas Day family party's me and our S will be attending.

She also said once again that her OM, who she openly finally called her bf, will not be around when my S will be there, even though that did not happen on the previous 2 visitation occasions.

But, she said that the time may come soon that she will officially introduce our son to him because things seem to be headed in that direction.

I guess they must be discussing getting married. Then she mentioned that he was a nice guy.

Prior to the deeper portion of that discussion, i suggested a program that i didn't name that reconciles differences in couples and stimulates better communication techniques through the dialogue method.

I was referring to an upcoming Retrouvaille program that i discussed with the coordinator the other day.

She said that the suggested time frame at the end of January might be considered, but she wants to get through the Holidays first.

For the most part of the conversation, i just empathized with her feelings and in particular, validated that i understood what she meant when she was discussing her parents.

We may pick up the discussion about the retreat after the Holidays.

I am slightly apprehensive and fearful, but i didn't voice those emotions.

Apprehensive about actually getting her to entertain going to Retrouvaille.....

And fearful, because her lease should come up at the end of January or the middle of February. Due to her financial struggles and that she mentioned that the OP has been helping her out with cash to pay some bills, i sense that she may move in with him at that time.

I'm not sure if she would actually follow up on attending that program if that were already planned, and even if she did, what good would it do? Her mind will be set with a move like that were to become a reality.

She was disturbed that i didn't notify her about tonights Scout Christmas Party, but also conceded that she probably would not have been able to be there anyways because her cars transmission went out. Her OM loaned her a truck to use though, so she can get to work.

I stated that i had previously continued to text her about all events that our S was involved in, but she stopped responding, so i was giving her the space from me that she wanted.

I pointed out how better communication would benefit all of us for the sake of our S. That is when i mentioned a program that works with couples who are married, separated and even divorced that could aide us in that respect.

I did mention to her about how much her life has changed since she started drinking about 4 years ago. She didn't immediately want to consider it, but said she will think about what i said. At the same time though, she felt her changes are finding out who she really is. She did say though, that she has 3 different AA books on her nightstand.

Also, she mentioned that she was reading through one of her moms old journals earlier today, and i got the impression that she finally was angered at how dysfunctional her mom was. In the psst, she used to cling on every word uttered snd written that csme from her mom as if it were Gospel.

She did say that she felt we were getting along better as friends at one point though. I don't know what to believe or think.

Sheesh, I'm pretty exhausted trying to remember this all accurately, so that's all for now, unless something else pops into my head.

Thank you, by the way.

At least something i have been doing is being affirmed as the correct course of action.

Today, i am buying some karate sparring pads for my S via cragslist. Wow, what a great deal. I've never utilized that site before. Very good on the budget.

??? Maybe the W may come over today finally to help our S finish decorating out tree.

I'm not holding my breath.

Also, i did recon for Christmas presents for my S last night and will try to get some alone time to pick stuff up.

Hi Am I Too Late,

I hope you had a good Christmas with your son, and a Happy New Year to the two of you! Let's be gracious and wish your W a HNY, too.

Thanks for the thanks but no thanks needed. I am just stumbling along and don't claim to have any wisdom.

Good to have purchased the karate set, I hope your son likes it.