Hello SB..i've not posted on your thread before, but have read many of your posts. The latest brought tears to my eyes. The sad and moving stories of all who post here are often overwhelming, but yours has to be one of the toughest. You are an amazing women and wonderful mother. You will recover from this! I don't believe your H will ever. He has a lot of guilt to deal with and he will spend the rest of his life pushing it to the back of his mind, trying to erase it and easing his conscience. I would never want to be in his shoes. He has created a life sentence for himself.
Nothing more I say except.... you are such an inspiration. Peace will come.
Hello SB..i've not posted on your thread before, but have read many of your posts. The latest brought tears to my eyes. The sad and moving stories of all who post here are often overwhelming, but yours has to be one of the toughest. You are an amazing women and wonderful mother. You will recover from this! I don't believe your H will ever. He has a lot of guilt to deal with and he will spend the rest of his life pushing it to the back of his mind, trying to erase it and easing his conscience. I would never want to be in his shoes. He has created a life sentence for himself.
Nothing more I say except.... you are such an inspiration. Peace will come.
GALbaby,
I would be careful about what you say other people that you do not know will or will not do. Think about all the stories of we have all heard about people that overcame tremendous odds and turned there life around. SB's h may have a lot of guilt or he may not. He may also decide to one day spend the rest of his life trying to make amends for what he has done.
You are right about SB though, she is an inspiration.
Me 37/W 32 S 5 D 4 ILYBNILWY 5/12 Sep 8/12 Starting to find myself 11/12 on
Sweetbriar, I can only imagine what you are going through now. I know, though, how poisonous the negative thoughts you have about your spouse are. They are not good for you.
Please, remind yourself this: your H has very serious problems and solving them is not your business. How could he leave you, how could he go on vacation, how could he not help you... none of this is your business. Just treat your H as a heroin addict. He will either recover and come back or not... Your focus should be on doing the best you can for your kids and yourself.
I truly believe 2 things. One, you are doing fantastically well. Two, when you look back to all of this 15, 20 years from now, you will be proud with how you have done.
Im a sobbing mess tonight:( Kids went out with H for dinner and shopping..apparently he got a bonus and he took them out to shop! Nice for them , but sad because its all he knows how to do with them anymore. He decided to tell them in the car ride that he is thinking about moving to AZ (we live in VA) and live there and work there with his Uncle. (This is the uncle he just went to visit and who took him to Mexico). Anyway, this upset the kids terribly and D14 was crying and texting me about it. I advised her that nothing is set in stone.
Now, to be honest, I would like nothing more than for him to move because selfishly, It would be easier for me if he was gone. But, I know my kids would be devastated and I feel for them. Here the thing...I KNOW he isnt moving there...no matter how crazy he is right now, I can almost guarantee that he isnt moving there! So, I think he told the kids that to get their sympathy...because he said to them that things here aren't going well and that they never see him and that my youngest never responds to his texts, etc...he also mentioned that I wasnt planning on letting him have a relationship with the baby. (not sure where he got this..but he wont be coming over and hanging out all the time..thats for sure!)
So, my sobbing tonight is directly related to my D crying. She is so sad about her dad and she keeps repeating over and over..."why did he leave?" "How could he do this?" "I just want him home." "I miss him." It breaks my heart to hear her say these things. I feel like he has robbed them of their fun teenage years already. She is sad all the time and it [censored] going through life with constant worries..I know, I live it every day! I also get sad that he can take them out and buy them stuff..handed them $120 each tonight to shop with and I cannot do that for them. Im broke! I cant be the disney world mom...and I hate that he thinks its makes what he has done better.
I just want to feel normal again...I want my family back and I am having a very hard time lately accepting that it will never be back.
I know a lot of you will disagree with this, but Im beginning to think that it will be better for him to NOT have any relationship with the new baby..he has already damaged 2 kids...why damage a 3rd? He will hardly see him and I wonder if it will be even more confusing to the baby as he grows up that there is this man that we call daddy that come and goes very infrequently...
I dont know....I know that children need 2 parents, but when one is so selfish and caught up in himself, could it be better that the baby doesnt even know him?
You all have been so supportive and have said such nice things about me and that I'm doing a great job with my girls...then I have a night like this where I Feel like I'm literally falling apart. I'm thinking it may be time to give up hope...even H said "there is way too much in the way of me coming home...don't think its possible" That was just last month he said that.
Also, D told me tonight that he was so busy talking about his cousins and his younger brother...weird...like he wants to be young like them again. BUT...why did he chose a OW who is almost 50?? (That is not old BTW..but older the he is!) I just don't get his logic?????? I don't think he even knows what he wants...All I know is that I want a man who wants a family, to settle down and do family things...and hang out together and laugh together...I love being a mom and a wife...and he is stealing away my happiness because I'm letting him.
What did I do to deserve this pain and sadness? I was nothing but good to him and our family and this is what I get? Im just so damn sad tonight...
M:36 H:36 D14, D11, Baby due in March M:15 T:18 Met OW: 3/12 H Moved out: 8/12 Legal Sep: 11/5/12
If a car accident happened and your H was in a coma, would you be asking what you did to deserve the pain and sadness? (Maybe in an abstract way, but not in a real sense that it was some kind of punishment for something you did.)
Just the same, this sitch is NOT your fault. Even if you drove him to cheat and leave you he had free will and made all his own decisions. Even if you had habits that annoyed him or left some of his needs unmet, it was his choice to address them effectively or to run away, his decision how to make change in his life.
This probably doesn't make any of it any easier to deal with, except hopefully that you torture yourself less with the idea that somehow maybe you deserved this. You did not. You deserve much better.
How awful that H continues to find ways to reduce his daughters to tears. I'm so sorry for them. They're going to be looking to you for how to deal with a tough break in life. Later they're going to be looking to you for how to love a man in spite of this, and how to work on things with him when they get hard, and how to pick themselves back up and go on if he disappoints them. You've got to do it for them.
Sending hugs and strength your way. (((((SB)))))
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
Man, I'm having the same night and I've been doing this for more than 2 years... you are pregnant and have 2 daughters you're trying to take care of 2 months after legal separation and you're feeling weak because you are having a bad night? SB, a lot of people here would love to have half your strength. I get that can be a frustrating statement right now because you want to scream to the world that you are not feeling strong.
Yes, he stole away what should be a wonderful time in the lives of your whole family. There isn't a thing anyone can say to make that "right" for you. You are going to get through this, but you need to take care of yourself first and stop with the self-judgment. You don't deserve this. No one does.
I can tell you something that you aren't going to believe... you ARE going to feel normal again. Normal is a funny thing, though... it's never quite the same. I've realized that this elusive "normal" I'm looking for never existed... life is always changing. And sometimes that's good and sometimes that's bad. For me? Before my mess started, I was incredibly clammed up about my feelings. There are friends who have known me all my life and don't have a clue about me and some of my secrets. There were secrets I never told. And then I was broken open and that all changed. There was something so incredibly freeing about that for me. The bad? My H came back. And the progress I made with myself slowly but surely eroded again. His fault? Oh how much I would love to blame it on him, but I chose this back and forth with him. My point? Be careful what you wish for. Because this person he is right now is not healthy for you to be with. You are quite right to want your distance.
You must keep traveling down this road. I PROMISE you that there is hope and wonderful things in your future so long as you continue down this path and you continue talking (good and bad). Right now, your job is to concentrate on you. Don't worry about him or what he's doing. Let him deal with that. And believe me, SB, that is the critical mistake I made. I tried to fix him and take care of him like I always do and I'm in a big fat mess. Stop trying to figure out the affair and the motives because you will NEVER figure it out. And as far as paying off the girls? Well that's going to turn into a big mess for him. I was a child of divorce like so many of us. My father didn't have much interaction with us... but man, we got great gifts. For a little while, it was wonderful but as I got older I realized what my mother was to me and all she did compared to my father. Later on, there was definitely resentment. That's also going to be his hole to dig out of. I know you love your H, as I love mine. I wouldn't be hanging out for 2 years if I didn't. But I want you to seriously analyze who he is right now. If he came home right now, this is what you would get, only you'd get a front row seat.
I wish to God I had a way to take the pain away. But this is where we are supposed to be right now for whatever reason. (And I hope it's a really, really good one because I'm tired).
