These lines from a classic Tom Petty song take on a whole new meaning when your spouse is in MLC:
The waiting is the hardest part Every day you see one more card You take it on faith, you take it to the heart The waiting is the hardest part
So, I've been waiting for a year now and my wife and I are both still here. Not sure how long I can last though. Some days I'm sure I can do this, others I'm just tired of the whole sitch.
The good news: She doesn't appear to be in an affair, doesn't spew at me, and we get along civilly. She's also still not into spending money, and hasn't talked of D or moving out in months.
The bad news: She's still in the guest bed, still avoids any physical contact with me, and keeps activities and conversation with me to a minimum.
The roadblock: She's said she is not attracted to me, and doesn't believe she ever will be.
Can this attraction ever be rekindled? I know Hai Karate aftershave lotion used to do the trick, but I'm afraid it hasn't been available for decades now.
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
FY, Even though she's still at home, she's still mired in MLC. It takes a long time for them to "feel" anything for us. Her feelings for you, her past life, etc. have been stuffed way down in her soul. Depression tends to do this and until her crisis/depression is over, she will continue to say she's not attracted to you.
Continue on w/your life as you have been doing. Live your life to the fullest. If and when she's healed and ready to catch up, she will. Give her plenty of space and time. Dig deep for more patience and it will help if you stop looking at the situation in months and years. I know, it's difficult, but an MLC crisis takes years to get through.
My question to you is: if your wife had cancer or some other terminal disease, wouldn't you be patient and work w/her in recovering? If so, then you need to decide if you will do the same w/MLC because it is a "depression" and one that only she can work through...it's your call as to whether you toss in the towel or try to be there and yet continue moving on w/your life.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Hi FY, just give it your best shot mate, then thats the best you can/could do.
Oh on christmas eve they shown a repeat of 'Father Ted' and I thought about you. He was awarded the golden cleric from the vatican for rescuing about 8 priests without them being spotted (and to stop a scandle) from Irelands largest lingerie store!
I just read something on the internet that has been around for a while.
Quote:
86% of unhappily married people who stick it out find that,5 years later, their marriages are happier.The Case for Marriage (2000, p. 142)
Of course their are no guarantees in life, but what if this is true? This was published in a book I believe cited above. I saw it in an article that is also linked to MWD.
MWD is quite active in a group called the Coalition for Divorce Reform.
I would wait a month or so and see how she is after the holidays and her Mom's passing has had some space before worrying too much about what to do. What's a month at our age, right?
This is a long process. All told, using hindsight and reconstruction, my W's started summer of 2008, though full on BD and all was August/September 2011. Like you I was ready to throw-in the towel last Jan/Feb/Mar...somehow I found more patience within me than I ever new existed and made an effort to LOOK for small things, small signs of change, improvement...self-awareness within her. I LISTENED carefully for signs that she was coming to her own terms with her issues. I keep a journal (a lot of it is this forum) with what I notice so that when I get frustrated or whatever I can look back and see the 2 steps forward that preceded the 1 step back. This helps keep me going and focused on the long term goal/big picture.
How do you log 3000 miles on your bike in a year? One morning, one mile, at a time...
Can you notch up the GAL to help you? Maybe go a bit dimmer and mysterious-er? What has been working when she seems to warm a wee bit? Or not?
T^2
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
I just thought of one thing I did for GAL mysterious factor is that I would tell W is was leaving/going out/whatever and if she happened to care enough to ask why I would just say I was "meeting my own needs" and let her think whatever she wanted, rather than stating the explicit truth. I am a horrible liar and she knows me too well, so this was the truth, even if I was just going to hang out in my office for the evening, but as vague as I could muster...idk...ymmv.
Hang in there!
T^2
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
The not being attractive part is harder than I ever thought.
I was always very confident in my ability to be sexy to H. He looks at me like some conflagration of our kids and his mother and it really suc-ks. The OW has fake boooobs and is covered in tattoos and I really never, ever, ever thought I would feel unattractive to H. It's kinda blown me off my foundation--along with a lot of other stuff! But, I've never felt so frumpy and ugly in my life. I even have doubts I will EVER feel sexy again. Or, attractive again.
It screeews with you. And, I'm getting more honest about the sexual part of this affair--she represents something I don't.
Still, I know from some book that the affair sex is not what the LBS thinks it is. Maybe I'll read that again. Patterson?
Hang in,
Heather
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
FY, A dear friend of mine (who actually recommended these forums, God bless her) gave me a really interesting analogy regarding us versus the WAS. Close your eyes and imagine that weirdo, creepy, socially awkward guy from high school (or maybe just in those high school movies) that made every girl uncomfortable with one glance. You know the one. Never said the right thing, never smelled or looked quite right. Nobody in high school was remotely attracted to him, bless his heart. The WAS feels that way about us. We are the creepy weird guy/girl. Our attempts at affection freak them out and they can't imagine or remember being attracted to us. We know that there's nothing wrong with us but they just cannot see us as attractive in their current state. I think her advice was fantastic and a great way to put it in perspective for those of us that are not in MLC.
She cannot possibly judge how she feels about you in this state. You are an amazing man for Standing. Hang in there and have faith, tough as it may be.
You're braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think. -Christopher Robin to Pooh
Romans 12:12 Rejoice in your hope, be patient in suffering, persevere in prayer.
Snodderly: Thank you for your continued words of wisdom. You are truly a blessing to this board!
Delboy: Thanks for thinking of me. As a matter of fact I do like lingerie!
Cadet: Really, Five years? Thanks. I still love you man.
T^2: Thank you so much for your continued guidance. You truly have inspired me to make it this far. I will wait, and I do need to notch up the GAL. Today my company's HR department approached me about starting the cardio TKD class I proposed. If this flies it would be great!
LoisB: Not counting the first few weeks after BD, I honestly can say I've not felt like I was unattractive. I think a lot of our "attractiveness" is in how we feel about ourselves; our confidence level. We can't allow this to be based on one persons opinion or momentary feelings, even if it is our spouse.
Originally Posted By: GG
You are an amazing man for Standing.
GG: Thanks for your words of support, it really means a lot to me when someone understands and appreciates what a stander is doing for their loved one.
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
I just thought of one thing I did for GAL mysterious factor is that I would tell W is was leaving/going out/whatever and if she happened to care enough to ask why I would just say I was "meeting my own needs" and let her think whatever she wanted, rather than stating the explicit truth. I am a horrible liar and she knows me too well, so this was the truth, even if I was just going to hang out in my office for the evening, but as vague as I could muster...idk...ymmv.
Hang in there!
T^2
My wife and I have an understanding where we keep each other informed of where we will be, and when we will be home. I like this. So, unless I want her to start playing games or keeping secrets, I will not. At the same time, I agree this doesn't mean I have to offer up every little detail.
Question for everyone:
I've been considering signing up for dance lessons. Several months back I mentioned it to my wife, and asked if she was interested. She was not. Would me going on my own be good or bad for DB? I don't want her to think I'm moving on to other women.
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
