Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers D process started, emotions not finished II--Tori

Amazing !!! It's so incredibly positive!!!




Do you mean ask him more about him still wanting a D when you're together and you get that sense? What do you mean when you say that you think he believes you don't get it? Does he think that you're hopeful that he's going to change his mind?

I would try to make him feel that you can take him thinking about moving on, that you understand, and that you're not going to get upset... I might not go so far as to get him to say it but I would act very calmly if he does. You really want him to feel that he can show you who he is at the moment (what he's thinking and feeling) without hurting you. You want him to start worrying that your kindness, beauty and loving demeanour could be focused on someone else in the future. He needs to realise that by pursuing the D he could be jeopardising being the recipient/witness of your best qualities. Of course, you wouldn't spell that out but it's what you want him to realise.



He seems to be feeling safer and safer around you and obviously he's enjoying being with you. You're doing a fantastic job. I think your boundaries are wonderful. I would keep doing what's working. You must be so proud of yourself. Try to do whatever it takes to show 180s around what he perceives as your stubbornness, inflexibility and oversensitivity.

How are you feeling now? I don't think it could be going any better given the circumstances. I'm not saying that he won't pursue the D but it all sounds extremely positive and I don't think that a D would necessarily be the end of it... You still have loads of opportunities to show 180s as that proceeds. It would be the ultimate test of your sensitivity (e.g. your potential to be upset with him as he sees it probably).

I know my H HATES feeling that I'm upset/hurt because of him. Your H might be similar in that respect. My H would do anything to get away from that feeling even it means upsetting me even more!

Tori,
I agree completely w Wendylon. You couldn't be doing a better job of holding your boundary and DBing. Good for you!

I think anything is possible w you & your H...lots of positive outcomes of your last encounter!

Thank you, Wendylon and TGirl!

Wendylon, you took a good amount of time to analyze my questions. I really appreciate it. In regard to Q 2, what I mean is that every time he hints something that might lead to either talking about the D, or life after D, or his feelings to be free and be with other women, or how he hurt me and how he lied, and all the bad stuff he did, I usually dodge the subject and pretend to not know what he wants to talk about. I just know. But I think he thinks I just don't get what's on his mind. Why do I do this? First, I don't want to hear anything related to the D. It does hurt me. Second, I don't want him to feel bad about himself when he's around me. But maybe he needs to let that out. Maybe he needs to tell me how bad he feels about what he did. And maybe he needs to talk about his need to be "free." I've listened to this in the past (the being free speech) and it didn't help. I didn't act hurt or anything, and it still didn't help. So, should I keep avoiding these subjects?

Thank you for your comment about my 3rd Q. Yes, I feel that things are definitely more positive. And I agree that we might still go through the D (I see it as a 90% chance it'll happen) but you're right. Who knows what will happen afterward. Of course that avoiding the D altogether would be much better. I'm going to try to at least avoid going to court or go at a different time. I can't imagine myself standing in front of a judge while he dissolves our M. I'm sure I'll break down, and that's not DBing.

TGirl, thank you for the encouraging words. I want to keep a positive attitude while remaining guarded. My heart has been broken so many times that I don't really want it to happen again.

So if you (or anyone else reading) can provide some insight about my second Q, I'd appreciate it.

Will post another update after tomorrow's event. I have a feeling we won't have that much time to talk bc he has a party to go to afterwards, but at least we'll do something fun and different.

First off, positive movement in your R, wherever it leads, the communication is key.

Okay, Q2:

Toughie, it is nature to back away from things that will hurt us. Instead of backing away or confronting, how about neutrality? If he says something about his lies, you can agree or say yes it was hurtful, but gave me the opportunity to look at my behaviour. Or let him just talk, use the I understand.

I like how you mentioned that you could see why he had A and were willing to discuss that. So, he will feel you are more comfortable with discussing D as well. As I said, if you are scared, then maintain neutrality instead of backing away. It is your opportunity to not freak out, right? If you can read him, he can read you. It looks like he tentatively puts stuff out there to check your reaction. The fact that he does not pursue the line if you back away, shows some respect, which is nice.

I feel sad for the people who don't get to go through this process of looking hard and long at ourselves. I don't know how many WASs do, but yours seems to be. I think the fact that you have openly and willingly looks at yourself has allowed him to do the same in a nonjudgmental atmosphere. Good for you. That sense of safety is very difficult to create and it looks like you are doing it just fine!!

Thank you, Ruby! I read your post several times to internalize your advice. Yes, neutrality is good. I am not showing any negative reaction, I just pretend I don't know what he wants to talk about but does not mention.

More positives:
1. He shoveled the driveway. I didn't even ask (to be honest, I had forgotten all about it) and he told me himself. I said, "that's awesome! Thank you!" He said it wasn't a perfect job. I said no problem.
2. He called last night and left a message: "I need to talk. I have bad news and good news." I got nervous, bc I thought it was something about the D stuff or about tonight. But when we talked, he only wanted to share that he had a minor accident while driving on an icy road, and asked for my advice as to where to take the car and what to do. I just offered my opinion and said, "but you know what's best." The good news was that he won a mini tennis tournament. Then he asked if we were still on for tonight. I was surprised he had just called to share what's going on in his life.

So yes, communication is definitely improving. We'll see how it goes tonight! I feel like I'm going on a date, which I guess it is. A date with my H on New Year's Eve. Don't know what the future will bring, but I'll enjoy the moment :-)

Enjoy Tori! I am happy for where you are right now. You are a real inspiration

Happy new year!

Thank you, Busting! As I was writing to Ruby, the phone rang. It was my H asking if he could come over and work from my place (I am working from home today) before his tennis match. He said he didn't want to go to the office. Weird! Good weird, but weird. Anyway, I said yes. So he'll be over in a few minutes, go to tennis, and then pick me up to go to the comedy night. This is so interesting...

It really is Tori. Let things happen as they will. I am really happy for you :-) :-)

Thank you, Busting! Love to you.

Hi Tori, regarding Q2:

I like Wendy's and Ruby's advice, but I'd go even farther. Guys like to address the issues directly, so don't avoid it if he's bringing it up. Take it as an opportunity to show the great person you are/are becoming, and draw him a picture of how great you see your new marriage together can be.

He's looking for reasons to stay... you have plenty!