Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers My wife wants to separate

I can understand this as you guys were very young and I think it is pretty natural that at that age people rethink the intensity of the first relationship.



I see this as a huge clue to what is going on.

You worked six days a week. Your W, was a stay at home mom. You were her world and you weren't there.

I am not saying that to pick on you, and this is something that doesn't register with many men until it is too late.

As a man, you felt that if you could simply provide for her, YOU would feel better and could be a better partner.

As a woman, I can tell you, the money wasn't as important to her as you think. She wanted YOU to be there for her and felt that you weren't.

Have you read the 5 Love Languages? I would recommend it. It should give you some insight as to how your wife feels love. And how you give it.



I have to intervene here and say that no one on these boards is a licensed counselor and you are here, looking for advice. Please be careful about this thinking.

At this point, read DR. Read the boards and others situations.

Don't pursue R talks and don't try to convince your W that there is anything wrong with OM. She will see it or she won't in her own time.

There are no guarantees that your M will be saved.

Begin to work on yourself, finding what makes you happy as a person, separate from her. If you simply change to become what you think she wants you to be and it isn't what you want to be, even if she comes back, it will fall apart down the road.

Have you set any goals for yourself?

Begun to look at 180's that work for you?

Keep posting, you will be off of moderation soon.

OK My wife just opened up the conversation about how her new boyfriend is trying to move to our city so she can be closer to our daughter. She also asked me about how we are going to handle our finances. I tried to slide it off but couldn't. She kept pressuring for answers. What am I supposed to think of this? She says she still blames me for our ruined marriage and really accepts no blame for it.

I don't know guys but it seems to feel like its over. She seems so set to start a new life with this guy. Do you still think there is a chance she can change her mind? Is there any point in trying even? I guess this is one of those days that you talk about where things are not going so well.

I think it was revealed that I am not over her. I kept on telling her I respect your decision but she kept on wanting to remind me that it was my fault, as if to clear herself of any wrong doing. What now?

So OK an important question still has not been answered and I still cant figure it out for myself. How can I show her I am more attentive, affectionate, loving and ready to take care of her needs if I cannot touch her and she doesn't sleep in the same room as me?

Do NOT stress about this now. Any conscientious effort you make to show her these things now will almost certainly come across as too little too late in her eyes. Her mind is not just on the other man right now, she is just as much trying to escape from you than to be with him. And in most cases, the WAW wanted to esacpe a long time ago, they just didn't have anyone who they thought they could escape WITH. Now she has someone, so you finally got the bomb drop.

You have to behave counterintuitively. Nothing you conscientiously do, or even no small series of things you conscientiously do now will get her out of this mindset. Don't try to impress her right now. She doesn't want to be impressed by you now, all that will do is annoy her.

Just be a confident independent dude while you're living with her while being a great dad. Put your energy into that for now, and forget the rest. That's detaching.

Do you think she's to blame and that you're completely blameless? Are you still waiting for her to "come to her senses" or are you working on an action plan per DR?



So what are you doing to detach, GAL and make yourself into an H only a fool would leave?



Are you going to give up before you even start trying? Because I've seen no indication in your thread that you've done anything yet. How are you making yourself into a better person to attract her back?

Read the 5 Love Languages. There are many ways to show love that don't require showing affection. And your W may have a completely different love language than you do, you may be showing her the kind of love that has no appeal to her.

Thank you for the input guys. No I am not ready to give up although it does seem she is super happy with this guy she has only been with for two weeks. Odds are against that relationship so I need to move quickly on bettering myself.

These are the things I think she always liked about me WHEN WE MET
:
1) High sex drive, tenderness, showing her that I think she is beautiful, Thats a big one. She says I didnt do that enough or with enough passion and that ruined her self esteem.
2) Alot of confidence (which I have lost since my business is not doing as well as it used to)
3) Ambition (She thinks I lost the ambition because I don't push as hard in my business and sometimes I just go to work and come home without really achieving anything. Just spend time worrying about why its not doing well.
4) Fix things around the house AS SOON AS IT IS NEEDED
5) Work on our backyard to make it accessible for my daughter. Right now there is a koi pond that we need to fill in so she can go outside to play.

So these are the things that she will see immediately if I start working on them. I could also stand to work out and have some big arms like I did 14 years ago when we met. Since then I have lost that, and put on a little belly too.

I know that no one can really tell if she will ever want to come back to me, but i am trying to find some hope, some psychology poll or something that indicates that most WAW at least have a little bit of regret once they leave their family. Do we know this to be completely true? Right now I don't see her regretting the moves she is making at all. But I know that is a front and not believe anything she says and only half of what she does =). why is that so important anyway?

Also, how successful is a relationship where she has talked to the guy for 1 week prior to telling me, then two weeks since, and she is convinced this is her spouse for ever now. She talks about things that are many years from now like how my daughter will have a room at their place (the guy hasnt even found a job here yet, let alone moved). Could this be considered a rebound relationship or not so much since she probably wanted to leave a long time ago as my reading indicates.

As far as GAL it is difficult with our little daughter. But I need to start getting involved with things around town, just not sure what yet. Keep the ideas and comments coming! I am a beggineer and need some encouragement. I only found 3 success stories here on the forums when there seems to be hundreds of people fighting. Thats not very good odds.

He's giving up his job, house, friends, or whatever, for her! Wow, he must be quite a catch for her.

Sandi I hope you are being sarcastic =)

She doesn't know him that well. He told her he would do all of this for her even before they started a PA. Just during texting and talking! Yesterday she wanted to get into a money talk with me about alimony. I slid it off but she mentioned that OM wants to go back to school through an online course. So, she doesn't want him to have to have two jobs (what he told her he would do) and go to school just to pay for her. So she thought we needed to talk about how much I can give her every week. I told her you know we barely cover our expenses right now, and just because you go and spend a couple nights a week there doesn't mean that changes our budget. Following the DB rules, I did not bad mouth the OM about how he promised you he would pay for everything if you left your husband and your baby....I just planted a seed in her head of doubt that he can come through with his promises. Does that sound ok? Am I doing it right?

Hi there Niceguy.
We share a lot in common here.

Yes, I believe Sandi is being sarcastic. A man who would give up everything to be with a woman he's known so shortly, is not attractive to a woman. Not in the deep or LTR. But think of what he's offering your W that you weren't. Time and attention. That sounds like what makes this R so appealing to her. But this is something that you can offer her as well - so you're in a good position. Except, you screwed up in the marriage and now she doesn't trust that you would consistently provide her with the attention she needs. That's where the long term work begins.

So DISENGAGE. This is where I continue to mess up. But it doesn't mean withdraw. It means don't be emotionally tied to what she is doing. I find I disengage best when I can consider my W as an acquaintance I really care about. It helps me to thoughtfully respond to what she is doing, instead of emtionally react. (Though I backslid this weekend, and I lost some ground. I guess it happens.)

Right now, emotions and feeling are your worst enemy. Try focusing on reacting to and on your emotions. Feel them, but don't say or do anything with them for now. This is where walking away comes in handy for me. If the W hits a trigger, I look at the ground and say, "that's a good point. I need to think about that," in the nicest, friendliest tone I can muster. And then I get out of there. It is hard..

Something I have a hard time remembering is that the OM isn't the problem. My W isn't the problem. I am the problem. At least the only problem that I can fix. So I work hard at creating the changes in me, that would make me the best husband I could ever be. The husband I really want to be. Of course, this is the worst time to be doing it, with all the pain and fear we're feeling. But it is a gift, because now we have the time and motivation to do it. Take advantage of the gift. In your head, thank your W for the gift. And then start executing and practicing.