Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Divorced, But Not Done Is this the place for me? Part 2

off the top of my head, I'd say read pp,.182-185 of Div Busting and then ALL of Chapter 7...DB...

that's just what came to my mind as being part of what i often recommend putting your focus on. DO you grasp what a "180" is? Have you done any?

Can you name 2?

Also, fwiw, I have 2 family members who divorced, only to remarry their former spouses a few years later (I think it was 3 years and 5 years later).

They each changed and improved and I don't THINK they planned on reconciling when they were all doing their "work" on self improvement. They just worked on themselves and b/c of children, they remained in some form of distant contact...and were always civil...

I think that, like you have seen, we tend to fix SOME of our problems when we are forced to.

You were forced to plan things and meet new people b/c your wife left you.

So you did grow, and now SOME of why she left you is no longer applicable, correct?

Okay so what else is there for you to work on that YOU care about?

it can't be all about getting her back; it's got to be about you becoming a happier more fulfilled person and becoming the man YOU were meant to become,

b/c like Chapter 7 of DB says, a happier person is a lot more appealing.

you have to bring something to the table, you know?

Her fear will be that if she were to return to you, you'd revert to your old laissez faire ways.

And she loathes that. In a way, you did too. So her leaving you sounds as if it lead you to some growth, correct?

ever think of thanking her for that?

Make sure the changes you make are real and permanent.

25yearsmlc,

All I can say is wow. Your review of my situation was right on - do we know each other? Wait, are you my ex?

All kidding aside - great points, great. I never thought about thanking her for that - I am becoming a more interesting and forward thinking person because of it. I will provide individual responses to your other points - but, you REALLY uplifted my spirit just now. So, thank you, thank you..

Cadet, MrBond, Kaffe Diem, tori2012 - you guys too, I haven't forgot about you guys and all you have shown me...keep it up (:

<DO you grasp what a "180" is? Have you done any?>

Yes, I know the 180 - I would say I do all of the "Dont's"(it easy, we are D and no longer live together)


<Also, fwiw, I have 2 family members who divorced, only to remarry their former spouses a few years later (I think it was 3 years and 5 years later).>
It's worth a lot.

<I think that, like you have seen, we tend to fix SOME of our problems when we are forced to.>
Sure, I was forced to. Now I am forcing myself (because I want to, for me)

<So you did grow, and now SOME of why she left you is no longer applicable, correct?>
Yes, many things are no longer applicable (wish I "knew" about it earlier..don't we all...)

<Okay so what else is there for you to work on that YOU care about?>
I'm not sure, I really have put a lot on the list and they are all of the things I really have wanted for a very long time, so I think my list is a pretty good start.

<it can't be all about getting her back>
Ya, I know. If that were to happen it will be a considerable amount of time and while I know it happens it is more likely that it won't. I won't make that the be all and end all because if it doesn't happen I don't want to crash and burn.

<Her fear will be that if she were to return to you, you'd revert to your old laissez faire ways.>
VERY, true...don't know if you read it, don't know if I added it, but when we were taking about the possibility of reconnecting some time after the D she said "a lot would have to change..." And again, and this is important, she never was saying "you need to do this or that for me". What she wanted me to do was get more into MY life...it wasn't about living it how she wanted me to, it was just about LIVING it..

<And she loathes that. In a way, you did too.>
Yes, she does. And I sooo loath it.

<Make sure the changes you make are real and permanent.>
Yes, I am including as many people in my life in this changes as possible. They are my "check" - they will hold me to my own promises to myself. They won't and can't make me do it - but they can provide support...

I forgot. Is your XW currently seeing someone? I agree with 25yearsmlc. If she had a problem with you not going out and living your life, then you need to do that and kick it into overdrive. Of course, that's your choice. If you don't want to, then she might not come back because you haven't changed.

Yes, she is dating, as am I. I am just doing it, well, because I don't want to (: When I find myself running away from something, like dating, I try to recognize that I am running away from it and instead embrace it. If then, after embracing it, I still continue to feel like I don't want it, well, then I'll stop. But I don't want to not do something simply because I am running from it - I don't like running from things - I like running towards things.

With regards to reconciliation, do I want it, yes, I want it. Is this the time to consider it? No, it's not. I need to sort myself out, she needs to sort herself out. We both need to see what it is like w/o each other. I can make all the changes in the world, if she refuses to see it, she won't see it. We remained in love with each other for over 20yrs after high school, we ended up reconnecting 20 yrs after being high school sweet hearts, we ended up getting married and having an amazing, intense, deep, and love filled 5 yrs. And lastly, the final 6th year, when we ended up separating and divorcing was the trigger for me to learn more about myself than I had ever known my entire life. The last 6 yrs has been the most energy filled, love intense, fulfilling, personal reflection time of my life. Some people never come close to that their entire life. I am so lucky I was able to have that in my life.
The chances of all that happening were all very unlikely. Getting back together after 20yrs and still being in love and getting married? All very unlikely.
I am going to continue living my life and working on myself for myself. And when I am ready, and IF I still want to, I will contact her, share with her what I would like to happen, and the ball will be in her court...

Ok, last post of 2012: I am finding it difficult not to be with her to bring in the new year but I made sure I'll be surrounded by friends tonight. I've decided to go NC for, well, for as long as it feels right. I'm not going dark or anything and I'm sure we'll bump into each at the gym but I won't be texting her happy new year, or any other "happy's" for that matter. I was looking at myself in the mirror and liked what I saw. All my goals are moving along very well and my hope for us to get back together will be going on the back burner for a while. I don't want to think about that at least, if not until, I am truly happy with how my life is going, actually that's not true. It's not until I am happy with how my life is going, because I am happy about that now. It won't be, if at all, until I am happy...

4311, when you make a post like the one above, you sound like the picture perfect LBS. It is so good to hear that you are working through detaching and doing all those great GAL things and just becoming a better you.

That's fantastic.

Then, we get back to context...

Please do your best to answer this question:

+ Can you describe the feeling you had after your M1 failed, that was a deep and painful loss of the M1 and X1?

Can you clarify / ask this question in a different way - I understand the first part, not sure what you mean in the second part.

Are you having difficulty understanding what deep and painful loss means?