Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Some progress after 2+ months of DBing

Seems your mother might be an example of if you don't fix your own stuff, you end up in the same situation over and over again. My goal since the BD is to not be angry or bitter and to be able to be happy with myself. I'm slowly getting there but it will be an ongoing, lifelong project.

My H has a very different level of need for emotional connection than I. I often wonder if I had been more whole would it have made a difference?

I think so.

I think that's a great strategy. I know that I am emotionally needy (or was) around my H. It was the classic pursuer/distancer paradigm made small. He would be so withdrawn, and he knows it rips me apart because I've told him. Then, he'd bring up something I put in an email 3 years ago - "I thought you needed more space." Endlessly frustrating. It's definitely a DB principle to be spare with your words and just go about your life, smiling.

Bottom line - everyone's sitch is different. My own parents D and they both say they wouldn't have if they'd had it to do over. On the other hand, I have friends who are D or on their way to D and it's very clear that they are making the right choice (one's H is gay, another's exH was just a big loser and she's married to a great guy now). In any case - it's a tough road. For me, I'm weighing which pain is going to be worse. Right now, it's looking like the emotional pain I'm enduring in my current sitch is worse, because I see no light at the end of the tunnel. I feel enslaved in so many ways and I just want to be free... plus this current situation is not good for my boys.

Thank you, Labug and Regretful.

It is really hard to know what's what when we feel dissatisfied and we're married. I guess that's why I want to start with addressing my side of things since getting a D is pretty drastic and affects many people.

The five of us are going out for supper tonight. I hope it will be fun. H and I are then watching our last episode of The Good Wife (until the fourth series comes out on DVD).

Tiny step: I noticed that H and I weren't sleeping as far apart as usual from each other last night. We have a huge bed and it's easy to be miles apart. We weren't touching but definitely closer!

Wendylon, I like the fact that you're noticing the positive changes :-) Keep that up. Dinner as a family is great.

I share your opinion about D. In some cases it might be necessary, but most of the time, D can be avoided. That's the main reason we're here!

Next step for you: have you made sure you validate your H and make comments that produce positive feelings? Basically, you want him to feel good about himself when he's with you.

Thank you for all your help with my sitch (((())))

You're right, Tori, I could definitely do with validating H more. I'm sure it would make a difference.

H just asked me if he could go out for a drink with a friend tonight because it's H's birthday on 2nd Jan and they wanted to celebrate it tonight. At first, I said sure but then thought that I'd pbly feel a bit hard done by if I'm home alone with S13 tonight. S17 and D15 are going out. I know we don't celebrate New Year's Eve really but neither would I want to be on my own with H out. I told him that I'd prefer if they went another night. I'm not even sure I believe it's with his male friend. Who knows? He looked disappointed and a bit angry. It's pbly not great DBing on my part but I knew I'd feel resentful.

It's not too late for me to tell him it's fine for him to go out so if anyone reads this and thinks I made a huge mistake, please let me know!

Wendylon, I vote for telling him why you prefer he doesn't go. Did you explain that you'll feel alone bc your other two kids are going out? If he ends up staying, make sure you do something special to celebrate so he doesn't feel as though he's missing out. If he says he would rather go with his friend, I would just wish him a good time and let him go.

Thank you very much, Tori! Will follow your suggestion.

H says he actually would rather stay in tonight. I said he could go out if he wanted to. We're going to start Damages, Series 4. How exciting is that?

Next question: Do I mention anything about how annoyed I feel that he closes his laptop every time I go anywhere near him? I bet the answer is 'no'. He did tell me about a spat he's having on a list about the fabric of reality. That sounds pretty innocent but why is he always shielding what's on his laptop from me?

Wendylon, don't mention anything. I don't like it either, and my H did it all the time, but I would not mention anything about it. When things are more positive and stable, he might stop the behavior or will be receptive enough so you can share how you feel. If it really bothers you, you could make a lighthearted joke about it and see how he reacts.

I'm glad he stayed in tonight--almost 2013 in your neck of the woods!

No! That would feel very controlling to him. Continue building up your connection and see if the behavior goes away.

Maybe occasionally send him a link or two on something you know he would find interesting. Be part of his online activities!

Happy New Year! I'm in with my wife tonight too. Planning to have fun together... hopefully kiss in the new year!