Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Stuck between a hard place and the biggest rock.

Thanks! Some people you can save and some you can't. It just depends if they are willing to listen and gain some humility to learn and grow.

Bruce, fyi, I just got out of mediation. I was a good father to my daughters, was there for them, etc, and I didn't get 50/50 custody. Good luck in your fight.

Hi,
I agree with the policy of honesty, and I am grateful for people slapping me awake. But Mr. Bond, apart from calling me arrogant, what are the practical steps I must take in my situation to improve things?

I started reading the Marriage Builders site, and also have ordered "Hold me tight" since it's been recommended by Bustorama. I also did his exercice, of listing all the ways I have offended and been negligent to my W. This is powerful, because it causes me to see the R in a new way. Also, it makes me communicate differently, putting the emphasis on W's emotionnal needs, on her hurt rather than mine.

Having said that, I'm not a machine, and as much as I want to detach and not pity me, I hurt too. I am impatient and want to see results, which is difficult to refrain. Here's all the difficulty I suppose.

I gave the Christmas card to W (S didn't put anything in it, I don't get to spend time with him). As I thought, she gave me zilch. I hate to be right sometimes.

As I write this, I'm waiting for the Taxi to the airport. Two weeks of backing off is a little too much. Maybe Skype ont he 25th and 31st dec? What you guys think my "frequency" should be while away?
Do I disclose lots, or not tell her anything?

Thank you for your wise advice.
Merry Christmas,
B.

"apart from calling me arrogant, what are the practical steps I must take in my situation to improve things?"

That's the point. Everyone has been telling you what to do, but underlining all of that is your ego. As a man you feel like you need a "step by step" strategy and EXACT actions. No one can give you that because each situation and person is different. YOU are going to have to figure out a way to stop being arrogant and that means deep meaningful change.

"I also did his exercice, of listing all the ways I have offended and been negligent to my W. This is powerful, because it causes me to see the R in a new way."

Obviously not powerful enough because you went right back to condemning your W just a few hours ago.

"Also, it makes me communicate differently, putting the emphasis on W's emotionnal needs, on her hurt rather than mine."

We haven't seen that. You still are focused on YOUR hurt and not hers. You are still critical of her and her family.

"Having said that, I'm not a machine, and as much as I want to detach and not pity me, I hurt too."

Then do something about it.

"I am impatient and want to see results, which is difficult to refrain. Here's all the difficulty I suppose."

Yes.

I would suggest Skyping her for the purpose of seeing your son and talking with him. Set up EXACT times and dates and stick to them. Don't show her that you'll neglect your son.

You didn't give her anything from son? I don't get that b/c we all seemed confident that was the one thing you could do that would be seen as loving without expectation. In my opinion Bruce, you DID have expectations (hence your complaint)

which were unreasonable. You gave her a card...I don't know what you said in it, but regardless,

The MOST you could hope for, from a woman who left you a year ago,

is perhaps something with son's name on it...so maybe when he's older...BUT

absolutely contact your SON on Christmas Day and then in some way, wish him a Happy New Years...

but do that in the daytime on the 1st, so you don't obsess about what your wife is doing on New Year's Eve and so you give her something to wonder about too....

but do NOT ignore your son on Christmas day.

I'd think about calling him before he goes to sleep Christmas Eve too, but only if he's old enough to "get" the deal with Santa Claus.

Otherwise it might look like too much. Be mindful of the time changes and ask wife IN ADVANCE WHEN is best for HER for YOU to call HIM....got that? She will tell you when he's likely to be awake and when you ought to call. That is normal.

IF she prevents that, and I mean PREVENTS, not hesitates or whines, you document any times she denies you access to him.

Otherwise, this is a cooperative endeavor with BOTH parents communicating with him on the special day.

RE Christmas EVE, yes if he is old enough to be excited in anticipation, then by all means, share in that with him. Ask her for her opinion on that. What does he know or believe about Santa, IF anything...

Otherwise he'll only really be "up" for things when he's opening presents - so you can call him and ask how he's enjoying the day and what he has played with so far....

do NOT ask "comparison" questions like "which did you like BEST?" Or "what about what I GAVE you?" etc

and when you speak with wife, it's fine to be courteous to her. But make sure the topic is Only HIM and how HE is doing or feeling and enjoying the day.

Then wish her a good happy holiday (or however her family greets this time of year) and get off the phone cheerfully and in an upbeat APPEALING "fun loving WARM man" way.


NO pursuit of HER, just interest in the SON...and coming from a man who wants to be so changed, so kind, so loving and warm, that only a fool would leave him...

No pursuing HER for now...and
that's not being mean or cold.

It's called respecting her wishes, backing off, WHILE ALSO showing interest in being a father.

Make sense?

For Valentine's Day, I suggest you help your son put a hand print in clay or a material you can use that is made permanent and then she can hang it and always have his hand size on that day.

OR trace/outline it on a card, and write "Happy Valentine's Day"...

I only say this now to give you some ideas of how YOU can be seen as a loving man without pursuing her AND without ANY expectations in return. She needs to see that from you.


And don't forget to do some things YOU enjoy while you're home, too...

That Freudian slip is just what I needed. That is funny stuff.
Just wondering, what is a skypenis anyway?

I think it's something that comes with being in the "mile high" club...

That was the best laugh I've had in days!

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