2. Do not INITIATE any contact with W. Leave her alone until she approaches you.
3. Listen
4. Make a wonderful life for you and your S. Make up for lost time. Appreciate him for who he is, not what you wish to make him.
5. Listen
6. Control yourself
7. Listen
Bruce, I'd like you to try an exercise. Make an inventory of all the ways that you think you hurt W in your R. Every single way across all the years that you were together. Where did you go wrong for each act? How would you amend for each act? Cann you identify patterns in the way you hurt her? Then internalize all that. Don't show it to her or say anything to her about it.
From your messages, you still do not appear to understand that you are where you are because you have not listened to her and not valued her beliefs and feelings. You are still having problems getting out of your own mind and feelings to empathize with her point of view.
Me-53 W-49 D22,D18,D15 T-Since-12/2001 Married-9/2004 She Moved Out-5/28/2010 Piecing start-04/2011 Now-together Thread http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2079304
"I felt a bit of patriotism in the response, I'm sorry, I didn't mean average american as disrespectful."
No patriotism was meant. It's just not the first time you seemed to "blame" the country for you not participating in activities or not having the right type of activities for you. Go out and start a new adventure and start taking responsibility of your own happiness and action rather than blaming others.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
Hello, I don't know, I'm changing my view on all of it now. I will do what the DB coach told me months ago :
tell her I love her enough to let her go if that's what she chose.
I was not ready to say it at the time. Now I'm sick and tired of being the nice guy and seeing nothing in return. Anyone normal would have already come back or at least sat down to talk.
I'm starting to think she's not worth the fight. If she had a little bit of heart or compassion, she wouldn't let me go through all of it the way I did. She's clearly not a good-hearted person.
From this day on, I'll more than back off, I'll ignore her. It's taking its toll on me I realize. I'm not the happy person I used to be, I'm destroyed inside.
She may not come back. Too bad. Even if she did, it hurts so much inside after what she's done, I'm not sure it would have been the same anyway.
If it wasn't for S, I would go back to France, to a monastery or something. I'm through with the world.
Me:34 ; W:28 Son: almost 2. Married : 14 March 2009 DBomb : 18 June 2012 Separated since Jan 2012 (different countries) Same country and city since July 2012
Big Bruce, Don't do that. You are angry right now.
I've gone through a lot of what you are saying. You are trying as hard as you can and she just rejects, rejects, rejects. It is awful.
If you can find it in your heart to turn away with love... to have compassion for her... you won't be so angry and you will grow from feeling that way. It is very hard, but trust me, it will lighten your load a lot.
Me54, H53 M 23, T 25 S20, S18 BD: April 2024 Moved out: August 2024
Love means not giving up on someone even if they've given up on you.
"Being right is the booby prize of life." - Susan Page
tell her I love her enough to let her go if that's what she chose.
This respects her. Doing otherwise, as you have been doing, is about your wishes and your needs and is disrespecting and invalidating her. Do you see that?
Originally Posted By: Big Bruce
Now I'm sick and tired of being the nice guy and seeing nothing in return.
You feel this way because, in reality, you have NOT been "the nice guy." You have been "giving" with expectations (of getting "something in return"). That she "should" come back. That you could "get her" to come back. Essentially that you could control and manipulate her thoughts and feelings via your actions. This is co-dependence. Don't tit for tat.
The resentment you feel is because you have been violating your own boundaries. She hasn't done anything to you. You have done it to yourself. If it is against your boundaries to be in a relationship with someone who does not act lovingly towards you, then leave that relationship. You only have yourself to blame if you persist in a relationship in which you are not treated the way that you would like to be treated.
Originally Posted By: Big Bruce
Anyone normal would have already come back or at least sat down to talk.
This is a Disrespectful Judgement that you have made. Google it on the Marriage Builders site. From her point of view, it may make perfect sense why she has not come back to sit down and talk with you. You say it is not normal because it does not conform to your view of the world. There are other views of the world. Get outside yourself.
Originally Posted By: Big Bruce
If she had a little bit of heart or compassion, she wouldn't let me go through all of it the way I did. She's clearly not a good-hearted person.
Seriously?!?! If I didn't know better, I would almost think you were trolling.
Your emotional world is all over the map, Bruce. I imagine that must be hard for you to live with and also may be hard for others around you. Yes, rejection and involuntary detachment are very painful. Are you seeing an individual counselor to help steady you day-to-day. Do it for your son, if not for yourself.
Me-53 W-49 D22,D18,D15 T-Since-12/2001 Married-9/2004 She Moved Out-5/28/2010 Piecing start-04/2011 Now-together Thread http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2079304
Now I'm sick and tired of being the nice guy and seeing nothing in return."
And that's why you aren't getting anywhere in your situation.
"Anyone normal would have already come back or at least sat down to talk."
Uh no. Shows how little you understand things.
"I'm starting to think she's not worth the fight."
You've thought that from the beginning and have changed very little.
"If she had a little bit of heart or compassion, she wouldn't let me go through all of it the way I did. She's clearly not a good-hearted person."
Again, thinking about yourself. She very methodically explained why she did what she did and you haven't changed your character to show you're different. It's all been a ruse.
"From this day on, I'll more than back off, I'll ignore her."
Very mature. Also I don't think that would help your situation with you son when you don't know very much about him.
"It's taking its toll on me I realize. I'm not the happy person I used to be, I'm destroyed inside."
Because you've allowed yourself to feel that way.
"She may not come back. Too bad."
With the way you've been acting, it really doesn't seem like that much of a loss for her. Honestly.
"Even if she did, it hurts so much inside after what she's done, I'm not sure it would have been the same anyway."
This is your ego talking.
"If it wasn't for S, I would go back to France, to a monastery or something. I'm through with the world."
I think you need to see a C for this.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
Hi, I've given it 24h to minimize any reaction purely emotional or out of anger or depression.
I think W has changed. I believe that from the sensitive person she was, she became that adult brat, uncaring about others, don't giving a $* about how I was going through it all.
My loving responses have been rejected numerous times : my changes, my proposition to sit and talk, my admitting my errors and apology, my willingness to see a marital C or a pastor, etc..
I have decided to not inflict this on myself anymore, I am violating my own principles by allowing this psychological cruelty. I lose appetite, sleep and at work I do crap all day. And on week-ends, I stare at the clock.
I will do what it takes to obtain 50% time with S, or more. He'll help me find some balance in my screw up life. He'll ease the loneliness which is killing me. Being lonely is getting me crazy.
As for W, it will be a card saying "Dear W, Merry Christmas", S is too small to communicate anything in the card. He can't draw. I know I won't get anything from W, it's been the F* all attitude all along. Therefore, I can't be disappointed.
As I am trying to save what's left of me, (my sanity primarily), it will give her the time to think, and possibly feel the loss, and the space to come back. But I'd only want it if she wants it, and comes get it.
I'm off to France tomorrow. Enough threads for this year. Good Christmas and courage to all.
Yours, Bruce.
Me:34 ; W:28 Son: almost 2. Married : 14 March 2009 DBomb : 18 June 2012 Separated since Jan 2012 (different countries) Same country and city since July 2012
I know you didn't ask for any advice, because you know all there is to know about a 2 year old. But it is awfully cute when the baby "writes" his name to his mommy on a card.
Anyway, have a good trip.
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
"I think W has changed. I believe that from the sensitive person she was, she became that adult brat, uncaring about others, don't giving a $* about how I was going through it all."
Yes especially from the way you treated her before. She really does owe you.
"My loving responses have been rejected numerous times : my changes, my proposition to sit and talk, my admitting my errors and apology, my willingness to see a marital C or a pastor, etc.."
You hadn't even given the changes a chance to work due to your arrogance and ego. The same reasons why she left you in the first place. Oh well.
"I have decided to not inflict this on myself anymore, I am violating my own principles by allowing this psychological cruelty. I lose appetite, sleep and at work I do crap all day. And on week-ends, I stare at the clock."
Good for you to go back to thinking only of yourself.
"I will do what it takes to obtain 50% time with S, or more."
Good luck with that.
"He'll help me find some balance in my screw up life."
This is one part I have to say something about if you're still around. YOUR SON will not and it is NOT HIS JOB TO GIVE YOU BALANCE! If you can't see that, then you are truly not fit to be a father. Heaven help him.
" He'll ease the loneliness which is killing me. Being lonely is getting me crazy."
Because you always need someone to build you up and make you feel good because of your vanity and ego.
"I know I won't get anything from W, it's been the F* all attitude all along. Therefore, I can't be disappointed."
Yes you've proven yourself to be quite a prize. I'm sure you will be "shocked' when you are denied custody because you can't change a diaper.
"As I am trying to save what's left of me, (my sanity primarily), it will give her the time to think, and possibly feel the loss, and the space to come back. But I'd only want it if she wants it, and comes get it."
Yes, you have proven yourself to be a prize AGAIN! I'm sure any woman would love to throw themselves at you and that your son can have a father that he can truly look up to and can teach him everything about women. I'm glad you will be there to teach him that his mother is rubbish.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
"I think W has changed. I believe that from the sensitive person she was, she became that adult brat, uncaring about others, don't giving a $* about how I was going through it all."
Yes especially from the way you treated her before. She really does owe you.
"My loving responses have been rejected numerous times : my changes, my proposition to sit and talk, my admitting my errors and apology, my willingness to see a marital C or a pastor, etc.."
You hadn't even given the changes a chance to work due to your arrogance and ego. The same reasons why she left you in the first place. Oh well.
"I have decided to not inflict this on myself anymore, I am violating my own principles by allowing this psychological cruelty. I lose appetite, sleep and at work I do crap all day. And on week-ends, I stare at the clock."
Good for you to go back to thinking only of yourself.
"I will do what it takes to obtain 50% time with S, or more."
Good luck with that.
"He'll help me find some balance in my screw up life."
This is one part I have to say something about if you're still around. YOUR SON will not and it is NOT HIS JOB TO GIVE YOU BALANCE! If you can't see that, then you are truly not fit to be a father. Heaven help him.
" He'll ease the loneliness which is killing me. Being lonely is getting me crazy."
Because you always need someone to build you up and make you feel good because of your vanity and ego.
"I know I won't get anything from W, it's been the F* all attitude all along. Therefore, I can't be disappointed."
Yes you've proven yourself to be quite a prize. I'm sure you will be "shocked' when you are denied custody because you can't change a diaper.
"As I am trying to save what's left of me, (my sanity primarily), it will give her the time to think, and possibly feel the loss, and the space to come back. But I'd only want it if she wants it, and comes get it."
Yes, you have proven yourself to be a prize AGAIN! I'm sure any woman would love to throw themselves at you and that your son can have a father that he can truly look up to and can teach him everything about women. I'm glad you will be there to teach him that his mother is rubbish.
Mr. Bond, I wish I would have read your words years ago. I love your honest approach. You can help so many people if only they listen to you.
BD: 8/20/2012 W Files: 8/23/2012 S: 8/25/2012 (I moved out) D Final: 3/5/2013
