Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Midlife Crisis The Rewriting Of History

I’ve been thinking lately about the Mlcer’s and the rewriting of history that they seem to do.

My question is this: Do the Mlcer’s actually believe in what the say? Or is it that some of them just kinda like make it up?

I look forward to your opinions and observations etc.

Love
Delboy

Hi Delboy,

I think at the time they are saying it, they believe it to be true. Maybe it helps them justify their current actions/decisions if they believe that their history was awful. Because then it is something that can't be fixed. The good never existed, so how could it be fixed/return?

Just my thoughts...

I've been going through this with my W and my sense is that it is increasingly a real conflict for her - her statements seem difficult for her to spit out and when she does she is often in tears. She seems to need to rewrite the history in order to try and reconcile what she feels with what she knew to be true.

In some ways I've seen a progression, even over just three months. She started out talking about clarity, "a veil has been lifted and I see everything clearly now". She talked about needing to make a decision and seemed like D was a foregone conclusion. She seemed less like she needed to justify her actions and was more panicked... she described taking things from our house as leaving during a fire. It seems like it was pure emotional knee-jerk reaction.

Since then, she has slowly moved into more talk about being "confused" and "conflicted". She seems more upset when she is rewriting history, as though it pains her to do so. She often bursts into tears while justifying her position. In general she has gone from angry and bitter to sad (with flashes of resentment). I get the sense that the emotion is now conflicting more evenly with some sense of real memory and logic - and the only way to reconcile those two things is to start rewriting.

Does she believe what she rewrites? I can't know for sure. But I have corrected her on a few occasions (not about feelings, only hard facts) and it seems to really snap her out of it momentarily. She'll pause and have this, "oh, right, okay" look on her face before she searches for another way to justify - sometimes by wholesale rewriting and sometimes by blowing something tiny way out of proportion.

I can't help but wonder if it doesn't reflect a conflict between parts of the brain. This video is interesting and got me thinking about how her brain is really functioning:
http://www.ted.com/talks/iain_mcgilchrist_the_divided_brain.html

____________________________
"In the midst of winter,
I found there was, within me,
an invincible summer."
-- Albert Camus

Me:39 WAW:38, M:9 T:19, No Kids
EA:9/24, S:9/24
EA on hold?, MC 9/30-now

Hello All,

I think I read somewhere on the thread "Musings from Amy C " That the MLCer means what they say at the time they say it.

It certainly doesn't mean it is true.

I remember a specific rewriting instance with my H. It was a few days after bomb, and we were having a talk. He told me that my niceness towards him annoyed him, that it didn't seem genuine. So I asked him, "Are you saying that I haven't been nice to you all these years?"

He got very flustered, couldn't look at me. He stammered out, "Well, not this nice."

This was so early on, I didn't yet know about MLC or DBing. Yet, I am glad I questioned him about his rewriting statement. He did seem confused.

I guess it goes back to that we never really know for sure what they are thinking in that Swiss cheese brain of theirs. I have long accepted the TRUTH of the history of our M. It WAS good, we were most certainly happy and in love. Rewriting history is their problem, not ours.

My W definitely rewrites history. It ranges from everything from small little things to big things. This is odd: Like the other day I was looking for my nail trimmer kit and she said she had them as they were hers. I politely said they were a stocking gift 2 years ago. She snapped back with absolute denial. Then there is the whole “you kicked me out of the bedroom”. Ummm, no she left. It is very surreal and takes an awful lot to bite ones tongue. I have been trying it for a few weeks now…I will not take part in the debate…though it is tough. I think they’re in justifying mode so they tell themselves and throw it at you in anger until it becomes true to them.

I think they absolutely believe their perception of history to be true. Keep in mind, to them, they are not in a fog; they finally can see things clearly and are on a sensible path.

That said, It does seem most eventually have conflicts making their version of history "fit" reality. Some take longer than others to get there though.

I think it works like this. In MLC the suppressed emotions of decades break through, but they seem like reality, not emotion.

These are people who do not deal well with authentic emotion, so because they have these feelings, these must (in their view) be grounded in fact.

That isn't the whole story, but I believe it is a part of the jigsaw. At another level they know it makes no sense, but they bury that, and they are good at burying things that are inconvenient. . . . .

I think my husband completely believes his rewriting of history. A lot of times it's not completely wrong, but it's a very tunneled and narrow perceptive. He sees an event as if he is the only one in it, and can't see how anyone else felt at the time. He can remember me wanting to leave an event before he wanted to, and feeling like he missed out. He doesn't remember me being sick, or something with the kids, or babysitter limitations, or any other outside reasons. All he can see is that he missed out and it was my fault, and why it is my fault is inconsequential.

So when he brings these things up, I don't argue with him. That just backfires. I just acknowledge, listen and I'm sympathetic/apologetic if warranted. I believe the pain he feels from such events is in this moment genuine, and typically very on the surface, yet it's coming from such a self-centered place it takes a lot of willpower to be sympathetic and not look at him like a spoiled child.

Oh Beatrice, I think you hit that nail square on the head!

You've described my H to a T.

I agree! Great post Beatrice!

Something else to look at is their R with other people in their lives. They don't just rewrite history with us.

What I see with my H is a very skewed perspective of people in general. He no longer associates with most of the people he once did. Of course it is all their fault!

I feel like whoever isn't on board with H's messed up way of thinking is OUT.
Which would explain why he has severed ties with many people.

Sad. But, ultimately his problem to deal with.