Cath care is pretty simple! You can check out videos on YouTube if you are concerned.Sounds like things are going well. Remember to go slowly. Also, if you are thinking things are really progressing, you need to think about what H will need to do for you to be able to get beyond the EA/PA. Better to be prepared now. In my previous experience, H sort of felt me out first then once he had really made up his mind, it really was made up. He did everything and then some and then told me. Maybe he is different though. Sounds like he is sort of feeling things out though.
TPS Me: 44 H: 42 M14 T17 S10 D7 10/10 H moves out after death of his father-same month 21/04/12 H is 'DONE' 04/05/12 OW/PA confirmed (rumors from 2010) July '14 H ends affair May '15 H moves back home
I went into my old text from back in Aug where I swore H was sending OW a text and not me. It said, "honey" Does anyone remember? back in Aug.
Anyway, it brought back feelings. At first I was furious and wanted to tell him to tell me the truth. He had said it was meant for me, but I have many reasons not to believe him.
Thank God, I saw it before going to Al Anon last night. I heard, "don't create a crisis" and it stuck in my head (for 24hrs). Today I went to another mtg and I shared. Wow, what a share. I amazed myself at my growth in this process.
The topic was honesty. I said, I need to be honest with myself. I'm not angry about the text. I don't want him to tell me it wasn't meant for me. The truth is I'm hurt and in pain. I feel ignored, not important and unlovable. That's the truth. Now where do I go from there?
So tonite H n I were talking about S4s surgery day plans. H: I kinda wish we hadn't postponed the date so many times. We would've been done with this by now. Me: It would've been harder for me since we weren't talking back then and I didn't have your support.
I honestly don't remember his response cuz I'm terrible at remembering dialogue, but... In my mind, he ignored what I said and continued to talk about the surgery day.
The feelings of that text came back and were added to the feelings of being ignored in this conversation. My tone of voice was very ummm polite and distant. "ok well thank you for that. I appreciate it." He caught on. "did I say something wrong? If I did, I'm sorry"
That's when it came...the vomit. You know, when you just start saying all this stuff that was so eloquently put in your head but it comes out as vomit. Just a big mess!
Me: I feel unlovable, ignored and not important. I came across that text and i don't want you to prove it was for me. That's not important. It's how hurt I am.
Although it was ugly vomit, there was a plus to all this. *** I wasn't angry. I seriously wasn't angry. My tone was more hurt than anything.
Oh, sure he got defensive for a bit, but I reminded him. "I'm not mad, I feel this way but I don't believe it. I would really like for you to help me recover from this. If I do it alone it will take longer. I just don't know what to ask of you for support."
His tone was softer and he said he was frustrated because he didn't know what he had done wrong this time.
Long story short, I said I know I surprise you with these R talks and don't expect you to respond right away. We should talk about them later when you're ready.
He said, we'll talk this weekend.
I've realized that I have a hard time STFU!!! I woke up with a neck spasm this morning for that same reason! I thought the back to back Al Anon mtgs would help.
M 42 H 39 T10 (-2yrs separation) S8 D5 DD 7/30/11 (EA&PA) Reconciled 6/2013 Separation in works 1/2017
Cath care is pretty simple! You can check out videos on YouTube if you are concerned.Sounds like things are going well. Remember to go slowly. Also, if you are thinking things are really progressing, you need to think about what H will need to do for you to be able to get beyond the EA/PA. Better to be prepared now. In my previous experience, H sort of felt me out first then once he had really made up his mind, it really was made up. He did everything and then some and then told me. Maybe he is different though. Sounds like he is sort of feeling things out though.
Have you had to take care of someone with a cath? I'm scared it'll come out and I'll have to put it back in. He cries when they've put it in before :-( OR that it'll get infected since it's an opening. UGH! I am slowly feeling that neck spasm come back...
M 42 H 39 T10 (-2yrs separation) S8 D5 DD 7/30/11 (EA&PA) Reconciled 6/2013 Separation in works 1/2017
Acknowledge your fears and then figure out how to deal with them. Express that to his care team. They should teach you everything you need to know. If they don't, ask, and keep asking until you feel able to do what you need to do. Don't let them just hand you instructions and send you on your way. They should ask, but if they don't, tell them how you best learn. Reading, video, hands on-make your needs known.
No one expects you to have this knowledge going in.
You can do this.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
vero, I missed your first post from today-I'm want to respond to a couple of things. I just posted on my communication skills, or lack of today. It seems we share some traits.
I honestly don't remember his response cuz I'm terrible at remembering dialogue, but... In my mind, he ignored what I said and continued to talk about the surgery day.
For me, this is because I'm not fully aware or in the moment. My mind has already gone to my victim place. This is part of the brain freeze. I'm girding my loins for an attack and not listening to what is being said. So then I don't respond to what is said but continue on my agenda. I don't let the conversation go where it needs to I try to control it, bring it back to me.
The feelings of that text came back and were added to the feelings of being ignored in this conversation. My tone of voice was very ummm polite and distant. "ok well thank you for that. I appreciate it." He caught on. "did I say something wrong? If I did, I'm sorry"
What was that about? Write out what you meant to convey by that. Maybe even write out how you would rather the conversation had gone.
This is why we get the "walking on eggshells" tag.
Until we understand how we do this, we can't change it.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
S4 has a runny nose and cough. I called his drs office and they said they will most likely have to reschedule since it is probable that his cold won't go away before Wed. I'm leaving it up to God. I can only keep him home so much before we both get cabin fever.
But I do feel more relaxed today about the entire thing.
And yes Stubborndyke, I think the Al Anon mtgs did help. It coulda gone a lot worse! I could've acted a lot like the old me and manipulated it so I looked like the victim with a dose of guilt.
And LaBug, you just made me really think about something. I never realized I could be the person that people have to walk on eggshells with. That's crazy but true. His response to me was quickly to appease me and read into it. I more than likely reacted this way to get that exact response from him because I know he's a people pleaser/caretaker.
And about not listening to him, you're right I didn't get what I was expecting from my talk with him so I tuned him out. Wow! I have learned that I'm not a very good listener. I catch words or phrases I expect to hear. Very interesting.
********************* Journaling
I've been working on my "inventory" with my sponsor and have learned so much about myself. It's amazing! It can be so emotionally draining since it brings up old wounds that I had hoped to forget.
Other than that things are going well in my life. More to come later. I'm exhausted :-O
M 42 H 39 T10 (-2yrs separation) S8 D5 DD 7/30/11 (EA&PA) Reconciled 6/2013 Separation in works 1/2017
