Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers What I am learning from H stages.

wow dawnie girl- this sounds (kind of) huge- will write in a minute - mom just showed up downstairs at door- oiy

xxoo (( )) keep up wonderful attitude and stfu(ing) it's the hardest thing in the universe-

but looks like you're achieving results of some sort.

I brought this question over from my other thread because I really want this out there as a reminder for myself that by no means has anything really changed. This is only the beginning, as TSquared said!NO! That is exactly what H is asking me to do! Not even as a good guy, but this guy, who's not bad, just not good. AAAHH!

I said there is no way in hell I would ever except that he is still friends w/ea no matter how much try's to convince of anything. I said since it's been this long I guess you have made your choice, he jumped in quickly saying, no, I am not ''choosing'' her she's a friend.

To which I replied, I will never except you helping her if she was dying in the street. He said he knows the intensity of my stress about her, but he can't let her go, and I can't ever understand what it means to have a crazy, lost, friends for him to help in the most minut way once in a while.

So I proceded to say then I will be out of you life. That is your choice and I will be gone. He back tracked saying what if you leave and then I let her go, how will that help if your not here. I looked at him crossed eyed saying nothing.

Stalemate!

BTW I am not saying anything I am not willing to back up, he knows that as well!

That he is "trying" to think this through, "trying" to negotiate, seeing what you will "bite" on is good, actually...but still...such affair/mlc script...

The research/literature/experience out there is rather clear...NO Contact with affair partner, whether EA or PA, makes no difference, no contact in any form. I have read that EA's can be more damaging to a R than PA's, and I think that's true in my case...W's EA's have hurt me worse than the PA(s)...and I'm no overly emotional sensitive pony-tail man either (though I did have a pony-tail for many years)...

If he wants to help someone, homeless shelters, churches, animal shelters are ALWAYS looking for people to help....

Stick to your guns, he is going to test you and every boundary as he climbs out of his tunnel and fog.....


T^2

A) I agree. He is throwing stuff out there to see where you stand.

B) Tsquared- same for me EA was much more difficult, although H still maintains it was not an Affair because no sex or kissing etc. But the five hour phone convos at 11pm? Fair game, I guess

C) No contact-that is the boundary line and you seem in a very solid place DM wherever this train takes you

Hey hiya-

i keep typing responses (i think) and then rushing away and not posting. so hi and lots of stuff going on with you. I can't help but feel it's a good thing for your h to share what he's feeling. i don't know- i'm no expert - merely a person who has the other extreme. he sure says nice things about you and to you - i'd kill to be part of a verbaliized rememberance of some happy memory or time. i think i'm nuts sometimes - if i'm the only one that even remembers the happy days. my h cannot apparently associate one good thing in the universe with me or his head will explode (or something).

Total desert when it comes to any info flowing back my way. I'd say your not talking is great- it's sooo hard isn't it? it's good tho- i still strive for same thing. it's so wierd and such a giant waste of time- this business of trying to get one guy to talk - trying to get one guy to shut up - allll this strategy and fiddling around. life is too short for this sort of agony & crap i think.

any minute either of us could die and what the heck would all the pain and bother have accomplished?

as i'm sayin that i can see where in phone conversation last nite - casual phone call - i sometimes slipped a bit below pleasant and i'm sure h can smell the irony (below-surface sarcasm). i need to quit it- i want to be all "sweet " and so on. (for me - it's so in-human feeling to try and act like a stepford wife and not be myself (whoever that is now) who the heck knows???. i sure hate being one stinking ten minute segment of his life.

oh well- onward & upward. you're doing great it seems and i'm glad of that. i'll just use you as a good example and keep plugging away.

i'd say as weekend approaches and i suspect he sees ow - and is all happy about it - tail wagging. i just hear it in his voice - it still hurts to see someone else being the source of that kind of pleasure- it's hard to not be that to him. it is impossible to not notice it.

i know- i know- worry about what i'm doing and do not think about what he's doing. i'm not obsessing- i just do notice in passing the bad feeling- shove it back into the dark recesses of the brain- and just "get busy". i wake up- think "oh crap - this life STILL" - THEN GET up and get going and don't stop.

it sure takes a long long time to un-care. i shouldn't be writing first thing in the morning- it's my "down" feeling time.

i'm doing it tho- because of all the un-sent junk last several days. don't want ya to think i'm not out here somewhere..

good luck with this new road you guys seem to be heading down (somewhat) i know, expect nothing. i keep telling myself- i guess we all do.

when he's not here- i have to keep reminding myself that when he is here he still is not "here" with me. i slip into my usual self of thinkng he's still a part of my life. it's so wierd , well, something. i don't know really whether i should be glad he didn't just run away and is still around - or if it would have been more merciful if he had the guts & integrity to be honest years ago and give me the axe. it would be over maybe now- isn't that a pleasant thought- over one way or the other - but no living "this". as usual - tho- (darn it) no easy answer - i might have spent last bunch of years so miserable i'd think this looks good - who the heck knows????

oh well- need to get the heck going- need to mail stuff today- then think (really) about what the heck i have for christmas gifts here for people, etc. it's going to be a wierd christmas (again)

what the heck do you give someone who is tormenting you? the perfect gift for your jailor - wonder what martha would recommend????
oh well- it's all such a shame.

hi tsq -

yeah- me too. i'm not a pony-tail gal- but it sure cuts right down to the bone doesn't it? i'm still very un-gracious about it- maybe in my sitch the longevity of whatever this ow is to him is the end of me & any r.

i don't get if she's EVERYTHING - why the heck not chuck me , our life & get the heck over to her place and immerse himself in the wonderfulness of it all. why torment me? why equivocate- if i felt total wonderful bunderful LOVE for someone else- i'd just have to go. decency -

how do people DO this to each other? i still can't let go- but i don't want this either- as usual- stuck in the mud

Because he either:

A. still feels something for you.

B. wants to keep you as "plan B"

C. is too caught up in the A, and not motivated enough go through the trouble of making the official chuck.

Or a combination of the above. The question is what will be your respose to his actions? That is the only thing you can control.

Maybe if he still needs to be around and talk to you it's because he really isn't getting everything you think from ow.

I know mine is just "friends" with ea, but not one ounce of contact with ea it ok with me. It does totally suck to think we have to be there for them at the same time while they figure things out. I'm not willing to do it, it told him I will waw from this.

I'm weighing out weather or not the ea sitch is worth going no contact with H, or at least pulling back enough for him to understand that I will not have a R as long as he is in an ea sitch. But, he's not stupid he already knows, he just doesn't care.

I say if it's eating at you, you need to figue some things out for yourself. Don't be nasty or rude, but don't be available, find what it is your doing different that pisses you off when he's there, and do something different.

Set a boundary...you don't have to tell him, but make sure it's to make you feel better, not to put it in his face.

I want my H to reach that point were he asses what he's doing and what he will continue doing knowing what I am going to do. His words so don't go, I don't want you to go, but I won't stop you because your right.

His actions say I am not going to give you a reason to stay because ea is my friend I will not stop calling! Meanwhile, I am burning with hatred for ea, him and my life w/him!

He could say anything out of his stupid mouth, actions speak volumes and I have been ready to move on with a new OP for a while now, so WTF am I even listen to his depressing confession for, humm! I am so clouded by ea that nothing he says sticks with me.

All of the things he has come forward with and how he compliments me means nothing to me, as long as there is an ea on the table. Is this the wrong approach, I have no idea!

I am not going to carry him around like baggage stopping me from moving forward in life and finding a man who will love me, and not be dragging his own baggage of OP. If I weigh it out today, waw is worth more that staying with this baggage.

I will not be with my own H as he has baggage of an ea he met 18 months ago, and refuses to let go. Funny how such little time can wash away so many yrs!

C. is too caught up in the EA, and not motivated enough go through the trouble of making the official chuck.

A. still feels something for you. A) 1. Isn't trying to loose me as a S.

E. caught up in fantasy that having EA friend brings out a spirit in him that gives him the energy to work hard because it is a rebellious friendship!?

I have made it very clear where I stand, he just doesn't care.

I have never even brought up the word A, but he sure does defend it because of the above, or lack there of.

No contact is not happening yet. I am at the very end of this, no more room for tolerance. I don't want to keep reiterating it to him (he knows) because I don't want to turn him to say then we need to D so he can be free to have friends.

I have read that could be a possible mlc spew. Not ready to open anymore cans, I have enough to deal with. I have said I would go, but he doesn't see that as D talk.

He says go if you must, though I don't want you to, you always can come back, this is your home. I feel like a daughter going to go off to see the world.

What does he mean by that...I don't want you to leave, I wish you wouldn't, but I won't stop you. Home will be waiting if you need to return?