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Thinking about your, Wendylon. The fact that your H texted you with a comment about the seminar is very positive! Maybe the POW wasn't even there...Or maybe she was there but he was thinking about you. In any case, I think you're doing great. Keep it up!
(((())))

Or maybe POW was there, but got food poisoning at lunch.

Yes, Stay on course Wendy!

Your comment really made me laugh, FY. Thank you so much for the encouragement, FY, SD, Melissa, Tori and Andrew. It really helps to keep me on track.

Update:

H got back late from that evening. He didn't come up to bed until early morning so I assume he fell asleep in the kitchen. I made no reference to it and just acted normally. And, actually I felt OK too.

This morning H mentioned that he was giving a presentation at a school in Woodstock today. I said, "I know Woodstock" (it's a town that's v close to where I did my graduate studies). H said in an annoyed voice, "I know where Woodstock is too, thank you v much". I was really taken aback by how aggressive he sounded and asked what was wrong with me knowing it. He said "nothing". He is weird sometimes. Does anyone understand what might have been going on in his mind?

There was another thing that H did that perplexed me. H was obviously looking for something and went into each of our three coal vaults. He is useless at finding things generally but he didn't ask me to help. I wasn't sure whether to offer my help. I took a guess and asked if he was looking for a bag that was in our laundry room and he said, "Thanks, no". I left it at that.

H has been growing a moustache for prostate cancer month. It looks really bad. (Originally it was for the party that never happened). This morning, he shaved it off by mistake in the bath. As he was about to leave for the day, he approached me and said something about his lack of moustache. He was close enough for me to kiss on the lips and I just said, "Much more kissable". It was very brief but we haven't even had a kiss on the lips for a while. He didn't recoil or anything.

I mentioned a few days ago that H had wrongly thought that I'd gone off the ADs. This morning he said he wasn't so sure anymore and wanted to know what the real story was. He'd had a dream that I'd reduced the dose and that he was thinking that wasn't going to help with the neutropenia. I told him that I was switching from one to another. I wonder why he's so curious about it. In the last few months, he said something to the effect that it looks as if we can only stay together if we're both on ADs. I said that I didn't think that he was the cause of me being on ADs. He probably thinks that he's on them because of living with me!

I woke up feeling sad that we never touch and that I seem so unimportant in his life.

You went to graduate school, and he got kicked out of uni for drugs, correct? There you go. He knows you went to graduate school near there and it probably touched a nerve. He hates knowing that you're more accomplished than he is (school wise anyway). BTW, I have a graduate degree in business and my H doesn't have anything past college. He does very well in his job and he makes sure to lord that over me (esp when I was struggling, like somehow my sh!tty boss was my fault).



Sounds familiar. I bet he had a very curt and annoyed tone too. He probably feels bad about not being able to find whatever he is looking for and knows you could probably help... so he feels bad about himself again and takes it out on you.



That sounds like good DB to me! I'm sure he's tempted but a little embarrassed because it's been so long.



I am sure my H thinks that I'm the reason he's on ADs too.



This I am very sorry to hear, but I completely get it. I have felt that way so many times, and unfortunately I did the wrong things to get out of that feeling. But those are the feelings that drove me to these other men: sadness, feeling unimportant, feeling rejected. It is awful to feel that way in your M. By the way, I don't think you are unimportant in his life. I think that you have become so distant from each other that putting it back together seems like an insurmountable challenge to him. Plus, you have your act together and he probably fears you don't want him at this point. Easier just to be distant, even though that creates a vicious cycle.

HI, Wendy,

Maybe H was mad he accidentally shaved off his mustache! :P

Remember this is still a bit of a roller coaster ride--he's going to waver from getting closer to backing off and repeat cycle.

You are going to have ups and downs of your own--some in response to his immediate actions (hard not to, but what DB says not to do) and some just b/c you're going to feel hopeful and positive one minute and then sad and alone the next.

It's okay, just let yourself experience these emotions and then "flip the switch" as you as you can to focus on your PMA!

If this happens again you might want to consider setting a boundary to let him know that you will not accept being talked to in a disrespectful manner.

A little light flirting. Nice move.

Wendylon, I hope you're feeling better today.

Who knows what is going through your H's head, but I think he does know you want him in his life. The distance is just showing him you can be ok on your own. Distance doesn't mean to be cold, but to not look desperate.

Keep the flirting going on.

And I think you mean a lot to your H--regardless of what happens...

Wendylon -
Couldn't help thinking of you just now - I found a crumpled up back in our bedroom - H bought a large bag of German crisps, ate the whole thing, then crumpled it up inside a plastic bag and left it on the floor. GOTTA LOVE IT!!

(At least he didn't try to cram it/wedge it somewhere secret...)

Oops, I meant to say "crumpled up BAG"