Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers My Fears in GALing

I'm not an expert and have only been in this sitch for a month now. However, I feel from reading your thread that it is because you have reached a mental state where you are ready to let go, she is warming to you! I think she is realizing she will lose you and she would rather keep you close until she decides or sees enough changes in you. In my opinion, the shift in mental state for you is what is intriguing her. Perhaps one of the EXPERT VETERANS can offer their take on this. But I would say don't give up! You might be on to something here.

Thanks for your input SM.

Ok so we had a follow up conversation regarding moving on. My W doesn't want to break up the family but will not put effort in our marriage because she doesn't feel anything. She was crying. She just doesn't know how to love me anymore.

I know it's up to me now, but I don't know what to do. I don't want a loveless marriage.

Of course if I insist on separating our ways she would do it. I ask if she needs space she said she has space. I ask what can I do she said she like how I'm taking care of the kids now.

She just can't do couple stuff because she doesn't feel it.

What do you guys think?

Newman

So today been thinking on our 2 hour drive to visit my sister. My goal is still not to divorce.

The good thing is that my W seem to not want to walk away anymore.

What's my approach now? I don't think going dark or LRT is needed anymore. She also seem to have space. She's not hostile with me. I thought these principles are done when spouse is pushing to walk away.

I'm happy that she says she doesn't want to break the family. But I feel like there's something blocking her love tank. I think hers is act of service and Words of affirmation which I've been giving her when least expected.

I'm sure more 180s will be good. Is there anything else I can do to woo her back? What would you guys do in my position?

Thanks I could use your input.

Newman

Hi Newman, just been catching up on your sitch. Please don't take this the wrong way, but it seems that each time you decide to drop the rope, your W starts to show a little interest again and you seem to dive head first into expecting the relationship to blossom.

I think its wiser (and please chime in anybody here who disagrees) that you continue to take a step back and keep a cool and calm approach towards her. You need some consistency here and to maintain this for a period of time as you seem all too over-eager each time she changes her attitude. I don't mean you be nasty or mean. I just mean play it cool.

Thanks for catching up Galbaby I hope you're doing well in your sitch. No not taking it the wrong way at all, it's good to see your perception. Thank you.

Update:

So I had more Convo with W. somewhere in there it is very clear what I want. I want a wife not a roomate. I express to my W that if she's going to stick around she will need to do some work in our marriage as I have my part in it as well. I want an intimate relationship with her and not just a friend. I will be loving towards her but not in a smothering way or needy way. You know being a husband and Wife.

I'm not trying to control her she can leave if that's not what she wants and I'm ready if she make that decision. But to me it's time to shift the sitch.

I will be consistent in a loving way and re assess in 30 days. I also told her if she will stay that she will need to put our wedding ring back, and so i put it on her finger and she says ok.

I left work and came back from work with a kiss on the lips and a hug. So far so good. I'm going to take take a break from the boards and will update in 30days. I actually feel relieve and it's very clear to me what I want. I have no more fears.

Thanks for reading,

Newman

For me that would be an unacceptable situation. Personally I would tell her that she either needs to show some willingness to work on the M or she needs to leave. There are plenty of threads on here from people that are in a torturous limbo because they're stuck under the same roof with a spouse that is done with them.

just a thought - i was passing thru -

it's not such a cut and dry thing- this business of issueing ultimatums and deciding what one wants - and "that's that".

i wish i was more like that- for me, it's a gut thing-and then there's allllll the "stuff" going on in life. my bottom line- which keeps in where i am dbing - even when i'm not particularly happy in it- or with h's attitude or lack of desire to do a darn thing other than cruse thru life entertaining himself.

i end up asking myself if

1) i'm truly ready to go it alone if he says drop dead? (i've answered not really - so far- so don't go there)

2) do i view total ALONE as better than what i have now- however unsatisfactory it all is?

3) i think about mwd saying it's the hardest thing we'll ever do- and no matter how long it goes on- it feels alot longer-

4) bottom line is tho- am i ready (really ready and no regrets) to walk if i don't get the answer i'd like?

the friend with the 3-time married attorney who said think long and hard about what exactly you're "running to" when you give up on or leave what you have (however wierd it might be).

i can see how all the things mwd says apply- i don't ever like it- it's hard and it hurts and it [censored] and it's not at all fair. i guess as long as my brain can intellectually agree with her precepts- and my body can refrain from blowing a gut or just screaming out my fare-thee-well speech- i'll continue.

don't be too hard on yourself- it's a personal limitatins thing.

good lck- be kind to you.

Just a quick update:

A week ago I consulted a lawyer. Not to file but just to see my options and the process of the big "D". It is enlightening to know what I can do and be prepared if W files one and also to protect myself.

Update on me: A little shift happen to my feelings last 30 days. I'm not trying to save this anymore. I'm practicing validation to my W. I'm giving her compassion. I'm accepting this sitch as it is. I'm treating every single day as our last day together. And If I backslid, I don't beat up myself anymore. I just simply recognize and move on. I'm trying not to have expectations anymore. Perhaps this is what DBing is.

My focus is on me and kids. I trained all month and did a charity bike ride yesterday (100 miles). W didn't bring the kids at the finish line, so I was a little disappointed, but she was under the weather so I put myself in her shoes and understood. I got home and I acted as if, and told her about the ride, it was a good convo and this morning I overheard her telling SIL this morning my bike ride, made me happy but I'm not making much about it, it just been a while since she actually said something that I accomplished.

So far validation is going a long way. We had a few R talks last month, and every time I zip my mouth the more she seem to warm up with me. It was against my will in the beginning because I always thought that it would mean I was agreeing with her. So I would just add her a line like "although I don't really agree with you but I do understand". So that's one thing I gained, being good listener. She did ask me a few times how can she get the feelings back, and I realized that was the time she wanted advice, so I said that "feelings change, we used to be in love and look how the feelings changed now...so if it could change before it could change again".

No more expectations for me. I'm ready for D if that's in my future. I've got my ducks in a row, saving money, etc. but I'm putting this on the side for now.

Right now my W is staying in the house and has not mention the D. She is still on the fence. But that's her issue that she needs to work on. I'm not taking it personally anymore, I'm making myself happy. Don't get me wrong I'm still a work in progress, I still have good and bad days, but I keep reminding myself I can't let this sitch get to me and hostage me anymore.

I'm reading this book by Susan Page and it really helping me, and very much in line with DR book.

So far the pain have lessen...

Just taking it day by day.

Well til the next update,
Newman

Wow Newman, great post. I think that is what DBing is.

Or should I say New Man!