The things we are telling you to do will improve your sitch, but you'll get no kudos unless improving your sitch turns out to be the right thing to happen. And then it won't matter to you if we strangers give you kudos.
When you sound so manipulative, punitive, and arrogant, it is half-tempting to advise you to definitely call her at least once a day and fight hard in the court for your 50%, and go for extended-day daycare.
But maybe her leaving could be a wake up call and you could learn how to be a better partner in a relationship, and it will be good for your boy to have his dad around.
You know, you so want to give him your worldview, but if you don't learn to love him for who he is, with runny noses, poopy diapers, and limited language skills - now - he won't be listening to you later when your worldview could make any sense to him. You don't get to pick and choose which part of a baby's life you're going to impact.
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
Mes amis, Thanks for your input. I know that if you're a little harsh sometimes, it is for my good.
As a general rule, I may have said things three days ago, but if I say something opposite, it just means I changed opinions. After all, I'm here to receive advice, and if I think it's good, then I changed my views. So don't be surprised if in a week I shift my position on a certain aspect of the question. Sometimes it sounds like a ploy, but hey DBing is A STRATEGY. There are even "techniques" in the book. I'm just more consciently applying them.
The fact that W behaves as if nothing happened when she's around is disturbing. She acts as if we were best friends/lovers (except for the contact and endearment terms), which I don't know how to interpret. Sure I appreciate it, but when I see this toddler steps, it gives me more hope than I should have. It makes me think things are clear, and I want to rush, and just tell her :"see, we get along well! Now that you see this, come on, move in with me!" type of thing. But I mustn't.
While for the moment I am only saying words that suggest new priorities (180s), it's been 6 months now that I haven't seen a mountain, jumped off a cliff, touched a rifle, free-dived or been on a mountainbike. And she knows it, so it's not just empty words either.
Yes, I confess that parenting is new to me, but slow or fast transition, I have to learn at some point to change nappies, feed S, put him to sleep, etc.. S knows me quite well, we've been playing for two hours twice week since 6 months now. And he adapts very well to new people and situations, therefore I thought that after a couple of days/weeks at a daycare, he would have adapted super well. Now it seems that it would take longer. Thanks for the info, if he needs more time, not a problem. It is best in the end that he gets to spend as much time with W than with Papa, for his emotional, intelectual and social development.
I am not mad, I repeat, I am not mad, just disappointed. What I thought would be an eternal thing between W and I, is crumbling, and I can't seem to find the right things to do to save it. Something is broken inside me, and I feel it will take a long time to heal.
Thanks for your help, it is going in the right direction. Bumpy, but we're progressing. The kudos was just to check if I was doing the right things. A bientot, Bruce
Me:34 ; W:28 Son: almost 2. Married : 14 March 2009 DBomb : 18 June 2012 Separated since Jan 2012 (different countries) Same country and city since July 2012
While for the moment I am only saying words that suggest new priorities (180s), it's been 6 months now that I haven't seen a mountain, jumped off a cliff. And she knows it, so it's not just empty words either.
Same with me, it's been put on hold b/c there is just so much going on in my life right now. Looking forward to getting in the air again though. How did you W respond to your hobbies? After some "jokingly" comments from my X I started understanding how anxious it made her from time to time. Only then did I realize how much the incidents/fatality to people close to me might really have affected her. It is after all more "mysterious" and unknown to them.
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Sometimes it sounds like a ploy, but hey DBing is A STRATEGY. There are even "techniques" in the book. I'm just more consciently applying them.
Yes, it does seem however that those tecniques are quite often connected to your W.
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I am not mad, I repeat, I am not mad, just disappointed. What I thought would be an eternal thing between W and I, is crumbling, and I can't seem to find the right things to do to save it. Something is broken inside me, and I feel it will take a long time to heal.
And I'm sure it will. I don't expect anything else from myself either. I'm certain I will stray from time to time and get some disappointments, but keep strong and keep going. That's the only way forward.
One thing we have to remember is that the people who do A LOT of the right stuff, who put in a lot of effort and work. They still struggle. We all struggle. How strong we stand, how determined we are, and (!!!) how open we are to take in new outlooks on life is CRUCIAL. We don't know it all, obviously, and we have a lot to learn.
Together for 8,5 years. S2 Interest in OM. She left 29.09.12 b/c we couldn't work things out. No signs of OM, not digging. Living in seperate homes, sharing custody.
Bruce, it's okay to change your point of view or mind as time goes. You are and will get new information, so this will change your thoughts/beliefs. That's what someone who is self-realized does, so good for you!
We're all hurting, but we're all supporting each other, so keep posting!
Mes amis, Thanks for your input. I know that if you're a little harsh sometimes, it is for my good. -- Sometimes it sounds like a ploy, but hey DBing is A STRATEGY. There are even "techniques" in the book. I'm just more consciently applying them. The fact that W behaves as if nothing happened when she's around is disturbing. She acts as if we were best friends/lovers (except for the contact and endearment terms), which I don't know how to interpret. I think it's better than her being angry or sullen or as you said, "In a bad humor or sulky". Perhaps she's experimenting to see if you two can get along.
IF I were you, I'd be grateful for the "acting as if" all is well, which DB suggests doing, partly b/c the alternative is tension and conflict.
Sure I appreciate it, but when I see this toddler steps, it gives me more hope than I should have. then control your expectations. It's up to you. If she has to treat you like dirt for you to contain your expectations -that may be what you get from her.
It makes me think things are clear, and I want to rush, and just tell her :"see, we get along well! Now that you see this, come on, move in with me!" type of thing. But I mustn't. Of course you mustn't. Again, contain yourself.
While for the moment I am only saying words that suggest new priorities (180s), correct...just words. So it takes longer to convince of actual change b/c all that is known is you speak differently.
it's been 6 months now that I haven't seen a mountain, jumped off a cliff, touched a rifle, free-dived or been on a mountainbike. And she knows it, so it's not just empty words either. Why does this mean you are now a better father or husband? Are the opportunities for these activities the same as they were in France? (Or are they harder to do and you're too depressed or don't know enough folks to do them with anyhow?) And even if so, so what?
I mean, you seem to think denying yourself these activities somehow means you are more loving. How so? Do these things they directly relate to you not changing his diaper or ever caring for him by yourself before?
You are suggesting that NOT doing something you enjoy, is the same as you showing her your love, but I don't see it. What do you mean? And I DO suggest you read "The Five Love Languages" b/c clearly your love language seems to be "if I don't have fun, I must be loving"...and I doubt she sees it that way. Just sounds like a martyr situation and that won't work long term.
Yes, I confess that parenting is new to me, but slow or fast transition, I have to learn at some point to change nappies, feed S, put him to sleep, etc..
Clearly....It's pretty late to want to know these things, almost so late that he'll be out of diapers soon...but hey, better late than never.
S knows me quite well, we've been playing for two hours twice week since 6 months now.
Oh Bruce, when you say this^^ it makes me sad. Do you have nieces or nephews? Are there ANY small kids in your life? Your son was an infant when she left you.
One time you said she didn't have enough time for sex but "always had time for the baby" and you resented it. He wasn't even a year old. He needed you to LIVE...and she must have been exhausted doing all the child care. So when you say a child who sees you 4 hours a week "knows you very well", it makes me shake my head. I cannot tell you what you don't know b/c you literally don't know what you don't know.
But there is so much more to parenting than playing a few hours a week.
And he adapts very well to new people and situations, how would you know that? How many times have you put him in new situations and are any of them without his mother around?
therefore I thought that after a couple of days/weeks at a daycare, he would have adapted super well. Now it seems that it would take longer.
Yes it will take longer. You are only now realizing your marriage might be over but your wife left you a year ago. So it's taken you long to "adapt"....
And if he is not crying all the time, that does NOT mean he's adapting "super well". I'd be reluctant to take him to daycare if the alternative is being at home with his grandparents.
Thanks for the info, if he needs more time, not a problem He does need more time. Period. So does she. So do YOU.
. It is best in the end that he gets to spend as much time with W than with Papa, for his emotional, intelectual and social development. Why do you believe ^^^that? I'm being sincere. What is it about his being with you that means you're good for him or that you are what is best?
I am not mad, I repeat, I am not mad, just disappointed. What I thought would be an eternal thing between W and I, is crumbling, and I can't seem to find the right things to do to save it. Something is broken inside me, and I feel it will take a long time to heal. It WILL take a long time Bruce. And that's a testament to you digging deep. Keep doing the work b/c it does pay off even if she doesn't come back. You need to do this work for YOUR HAPPINESS...
Thanks for your help, it is going in the right direction. Bumpy, but we're progressing. The kudos was just to check if I was doing the right things. A bientot, Bruce
at least she spoke to you in person, right? That is progress.
Stay calm and upbeat but with NO expectations or demands...
DEMONSTRATE WITHOUT WORDS that you are a new changed man.
Please don't backslide or point out your changes to her. They will look like tactics, not real genuine change.
Make sense?
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Hi everybody, I bought a nice cashmere cardigan, sober but classy, for W, and a card. For S, it is a little red tractor battery powered he can ride on. I don't expect to receive anything, but we'll see.
As for my activities, already when I was with W I gave up the extreme stuff, so W wasn't too worried. Paragliding and hors-piste ski are relatively mild compared to the previous craziness. W just wasn't happy about the importance it had in my life. I married a girl who couldn't scuba-dive, rock-climb, mountainbike, etc.. so I guess it's kinda natural she didn't place those things a so important in her life, whereas for me they were why we're living for.
Also, I always had a gift for piano, painting, architecture, maths, litterature, physics, chemistry, being n 1 in school and all,.. at some point I was asked to be a model and also politically they wanted me to take responsibilities (which I refused) and probably people would have voted for me because I talk and appear well. My rythm of life and busyness had little to do with her idea of average american guy. Right now, I'm living a life of going to work, coming home to eat supper, sleep and start over the next day. Here, none of the previous stuff is doable, but I'm here for the sake of being with W and S .--> If this isn't loving sacrifice, then what is?
So, 1.I take it gratefully that she is acting all nice around me lately. I myself am very upbeat and debonnaire when she's around. (although inside, it's a volcano).
2. Making some space. I asked her out for Friday evening by email. She knows it, no need to insist, call or send e-mails.
3. Seeking more time with S. If we cannot work out with W a progressive parenting plan/agreement that leads to 50/50%, I won't bluff on the court thing, I'll launch the motions thing, no matter the cost. And before the judge I must have all the arguments so he grants me my petition. Therefore : I must increase my time alone with S.
4. Finally, keep my expectations low, keep DBing, don't expect a fanfare for every 180 I do, and be patient in actions, not so much in words.
I have it all pat down. Way to go. Thanks. B.
Me:34 ; W:28 Son: almost 2. Married : 14 March 2009 DBomb : 18 June 2012 Separated since Jan 2012 (different countries) Same country and city since July 2012
"I don't expect to receive anything, but we'll see."
That "but we'll see" comment means that you are expecting something. Admit it. Don't be disappointed if you don't.
As for my activities, already when I was with W I gave up the extreme stuff, so W wasn't too worried. W just wasn't happy about the importance it had in my life."
I don't know how you can't see how contradictory your comment is. First you say you gave it up so she wouldn't be worried about you, then you say that she didn't understand how important it was for you. So which is it? Did you give them up for her? If you did, then you shouldn't feel resentful. In fact, you should be glad that she worried enough about your well-being.
"I married a girl who couldn't scuba-dive, rock-climb, mountainbike, etc.. so I guess it's kinda natural she didn't place those things a so important in her life, whereas for me they were why we're living for."
So what are you trying to say? Just because she doesn't like to do those things, doesn't mean that you hold that against her. And don't argue about that point. Your post just seethes of resentment of things you "gave up". Sorry but when you get married, you start giving things up as long as it gives the other person peace of mind. If you really didn't want to give them up then you shouldn't have married her. It's not like anyone forced you to.
"Also, I always had a gift for piano, painting, architecture, maths, litterature, physics, chemistry, being n 1 in school and all,.. at some point I was asked to be a model and also politically they wanted me to take responsibilities (which I refused) and probably people would have voted for me because I talk and appear well."
It's nice to see you haven't given up your ego.
"My rythm of life and busyness had little to do with her idea of average american guy. Right now, I'm living a life of going to work, coming home to eat supper, sleep and start over the next day. Here, none of the previous stuff is doable,"
WTH are you talking about? You can do all those things. Stop blaming the country and start looking in the mirror.
"but I'm here for the sake of being with W and S .--> If this isn't loving sacrifice, then what is?"
When you lament about how great you are and what you're "giving up" to have a child, it shows you haven't learned anything about humility. Which is what your W wants. All we've heard was mostly about YOUR NEEDS, what YOU look like, what YOU gave up. You haven't spent a minute thinking of your W's concerns and needs, or you manage to brush them off as insignificant compared to you.
"So, 1.I take it gratefully that she is acting all nice around me lately. I myself am very upbeat and debonnaire when she's around. (although inside, it's a volcano).
2. Making some space. I asked her out for Friday evening by email. She knows it, no need to insist, call or send e-mails.
3. Seeking more time with S. If we cannot work out with W a progressive parenting plan/agreement that leads to 50/50%, I won't bluff on the court thing, I'll launch the motions thing, no matter the cost. And before the judge I must have all the arguments so he grants me my petition. Therefore : I must increase my time alone with S.
4. Finally, keep my expectations low, keep DBing, don't expect a fanfare for every 180 I do, and be patient in actions, not so much in words.
I have it all pat down."
That was one of the most self-centered lists I have ever seen. You haven't learned anything about thinking about others instead of yourself. Thanks. B."
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
I agree with Bond. You have a lot to learn when it comes to humility. Your latest post reeks of entitlement.
Confidence = Attractive Arrogance = Unattractive
You make it sound like she was lucky to be married to you. It was apparent when I first posted to you and it is apparent today that your priorities don't align with her priorities.
I haven't posted to you in awhile, however I follow along. A couple of your posts you have been looking for validation. What is that about? I gather that you were a spoiled kid that got everything and when you don't get your way, you take your ball and run home.
Your changes don't seem sincere Bruce. That's what I gather from your posts. They are a tactic to get your way, so you can win.
That's my take.
What is a new marriage to you going to look like? What is your new role as a father look like?
Your changes have to be real, not a tactic, otherwise you are just wasting time.
Me:45 ExW:48 M:04/97 3 Bombs & 2 ReCons 1st BD 11/10 D Finalized 4/20 D-16 S-14 Going in one more round when you don't think you can. That's what makes all the difference in life.~Rocky Balboa
Well no, I was just trying to retrace back the changes that occured in the past months. This was the past, now the new Bruce is a changed man. Look :
In my new marriage, I will put W's needs before mine, be affectionnate to her, help at home with the chores, and especially with our S, (and with other babies that will come).
As a father I am already 100% commited to rear my S, and before his moral and intelectual education, I want to participate with feeding, playing, putting him to sleep, changing him and interacting in general. My role is to ensure his hapiness and success when growing up.
It'll be too difficult to explain here all the subtleties of the how things changed, but they have for real. I knew none of this the first time. If I'm given a second chance, I won't blow it.
