She keeps talking about our relationship in terms of how she is afraid of losing her best friend. Obviously, our relationship is more to me than that so there is no way I can continue to be this way with her, especially if she is with OM.
Originally Posted By: JamesH
And a question too!
At this point, do I continue to be the 'best friend' that she wants or do I cut her off?
I so want to be able to fix our marriage but I have no idea which strategy will best help with that?
This is a great question, and one that I fear I'll eventually be forced to deal with.
I think you want to be friendly, but not be too available or go out of your way to please or help her. Afterall, she dumped you and no longer wants you as H right? As for emotional connection I see a balancing act. If you "cut her off" why would she ever want you back? If you're the best friend, why would she want you as H?
I look forward to hearing other responses to this question.
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
I don't believe the WAW should get to keep her "best friend" and a lover on the side, too. The more cake she gets to eat, the less she'll miss the baker! But I do think you need to act friend-ly to her when you have to see her when exchanging kids and any other needed contacts. I’m talking the kind of friendly behavior that you would extend to a stranger. Sounds cold? Not when you compare it to committing adultery.
I would not think of it in terms of totally cutting her off (not sure how you mean this), but neither should you even “attempt” to be her best friend. Let me make this clear….you do not want to act mad, upset, or cold. You just smile and wave as you go on with your life. Do not degrade yourself by letting her tell YOU about her feeling for the OM!! Do you honestly believe a woman respects the H who lets her pour her heart out about another man that she’s sleeping with? Hell no, she doesn’t respect him! I don’t know how you could respect yourself! The next time she starts with that crap, you calmly tell her that you will not listen to her discuss her feelings for a man she’s committing adultery with. Not to make her mad, but to show her you won’t be disrespected in that manner. (It’s bad enough that she disrespected you by sleeping with the guy, you don’t have to hear her whine over him, too.) She may get pissed when you tell her, but she will respect you for doing it…..if you don’t bring your feelings into it. Do NOT tell her how it makes you feel. Keep it about showing respect and don’t let it go into a R talk. If she starts in to have a fight…leave, or whatever, but you keep control of it.
When I told my H I was considering staying in the house….but as a friend, he looked me right in my eyes and softly told me that there would be no buddy-buddy system. He felt that if we couldn’t be man & wife then we wouldn’t be friend & friend, either. That was exactly what my fogged out brain needed to hear from him. I think I was really arrogant to believe he would be so “grateful” that I just stayed in the home that he would gladly settle for my friendship without benefits! Well, it got my attention. Kind of shocked me, frankly.
Whenever a LBH has begged, pleaded, or just been one of those “nice guy” types…his WAW can believe he would be grateful for any crumbs she throws his way. If he can get the message to her WAW brain that he doesn’t need her, or her friendship, to be happy, he stands a better chance of her coming back to the M. But he has to be careful how he communicates that message.
She “should” worry that she will lose her best friend! Kind of sad that she isn’t concerned that she’s losing her best husband, don’t you think?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I have made it very clear to her that she will not get to keep this relationship with me.
She has also now told me that at this point in time, she cannot enter into any kind of relationship with OM anyway.
She is insisting that nothing physical has ever happened between them and at this point I dont have a reason to doubt her with all the info she is offering up.
Now I am also hearing her talk about OM's negative aspects like she is comparing us in a checklist or something!
I dont know where all this will end.
The seperation will do us both good in a lot of ways I feel. It will either give us the kick to work things out or it will reinforce her view that the marriage is over.
Either way, I need to be prepared for the outcome.
Im certainly not giving up on the marriage at this point though.
Discussing her lover's pros & cons is another expression of disrespect for her H. It really makes no difference if it went physical or not (in this area), it's still not right for her to talk about him to you! Sometimes, you have to point out what is not appropriate.
Don't react in anger or show any emotion, just tell her you don't want to hear her discuss OM, then quickly change the subject or leave the room. Avoid getting into a R talk, whatever you do.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
so, as we approach a separation as of Jan 1st, where do I draw the line in terms of our "friendship"?
I feel like she has to be able to miss what she had before she can appreciate it.
do I maintain only civil contact with her as required for the kids etc?
it's very difficult to know how to act to ensure that you don't allow spouse to have cake and eat it too but at the same time not alienate any chance of reconciliation down the line.
Jody, my DB coach has suggested to maintain the friendliness and be on my A game when I see her.
it will all be very interesting going forward that's for sure!
so, as we approach a separation as of Jan 1st, where do I draw the line in terms of our "friendship"? I feel like she has to be able to miss what she had before she can appreciate it.
do I maintain only civil contact with her as required for the kids etc?
it's very difficult to know how to act to ensure that you don't allow spouse to have cake and eat it too but at the same time not alienate any chance of reconciliation down the line.
Jody, my DB coach has suggested to maintain the friendliness and be on my A game when I see her.
it will all be very interesting going forward that's for sure!
Quote:
do I maintain only civil contact with her as required for the kids etc?
Pretty much this. With maybe a touch of kindness here and there.
You're right, you want her to know what she's giving up on, but don't want to go cold or resentful either. As long as you remain civil, you have not bombed all chances of R. As long as you're not being the best friend/catering to her needs, you're not allowing cake eating.
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
I don't believe the WAW should get to keep her "best friend" and a lover on the side, too. The more cake she gets to eat, the less she'll miss the baker! But I do think you need to act friend-ly to her when you have to see her when exchanging kids and any other needed contacts. I’m talking the kind of friendly behavior that you would extend to a stranger. Sounds cold? Not when you compare it to committing adultery.
I would not think of it in terms of totally cutting her off (not sure how you mean this), but neither should you even “attempt” to be her best friend. Let me make this clear….you do not want to act mad, upset, or cold. You just smile and wave as you go on with your life. Do not degrade yourself by letting her tell YOU about her feeling for the OM!! Do you honestly believe a woman respects the H who lets her pour her heart out about another man that she’s sleeping with? Hell no, she doesn’t respect him! I don’t know how you could respect yourself! The next time she starts with that crap, you calmly tell her that you will not listen to her discuss her feelings for a man she’s committing adultery with. Not to make her mad, but to show her you won’t be disrespected in that manner. (It’s bad enough that she disrespected you by sleeping with the guy, you don’t have to hear her whine over him, too.) She may get pissed when you tell her, but she will respect you for doing it…..if you don’t bring your feelings into it. Do NOT tell her how it makes you feel. Keep it about showing respect and don’t let it go into a R talk. If she starts in to have a fight…leave, or whatever, but you keep control of it.
When I told my H I was considering staying in the house….but as a friend, he looked me right in my eyes and softly told me that there would be no buddy-buddy system. He felt that if we couldn’t be man & wife then we wouldn’t be friend & friend, either. That was exactly what my fogged out brain needed to hear from him. I think I was really arrogant to believe he would be so “grateful” that I just stayed in the home that he would gladly settle for my friendship without benefits! Well, it got my attention. Kind of shocked me, frankly.
Whenever a LBH has begged, pleaded, or just been one of those “nice guy” types…his WAW can believe he would be grateful for any crumbs she throws his way. If he can get the message to her WAW brain that he doesn’t need her, or her friendship, to be happy, he stands a better chance of her coming back to the M. But he has to be careful how he communicates that message.
She “should” worry that she will lose her best friend! Kind of sad that she isn’t concerned that she’s losing her best husband, don’t you think?
James, I am sorry to hijack your thread. I am in a similar situation. I have two D's. Our D will be final on the 21st, and she is wanting all 4 of us to go to Stone Mountain together on the 26th. Where is the line with friendship when kids are involved?
BD: 8/20/2012 W Files: 8/23/2012 S: 8/25/2012 (I moved out) D Final: 3/5/2013
so, as we approach a separation as of Jan 1st, where do I draw the line in terms of our "friendship"?
I feel like she has to be able to miss what she had before she can appreciate it.
do I maintain only civil contact with her as required for the kids etc?
I went through this too, W wanted to be besties. Reminds me of high school, the old "I just want to be friends" BS. I think Sandi's post up above says it all really well, that's worth reading many times. You can be friendly and look your best whenever your W is around, but that doesn't mean you have to be best friends with her. Like Sandi described, treat her like you would treat a friendly stranger. That's what I've done with my W. We chat and we do stuff with the kids together, but my attitude towards her is like I would treat a neighbor. For a while after S I was flirty with her and initiated a hug now and then when she left, but that went nowhere and I've since discontinued even those little efforts. Now it's just friendly strangers. It has helped me detach and probably helped W feel less pressure.
Originally Posted By: Grateful
James, I am sorry to hijack your thread. I am in a similar situation. I have two D's. Our D will be final on the 21st, and she is wanting all 4 of us to go to Stone Mountain together on the 26th. Where is the line with friendship when kids are involved?
Personally if our kids are involved I have no problem doing stuff with W. S9's bday was this week (S10 now) and we all went to an ice sculpture exhibit together, it was a lot of fun. It is a little weird because it's so much like old times all being in the van together, but again, per Sandi's comments just treat your spouse like a friendly stranger. But you have to do what is right for you, not everyone would feel comfortable doing this. My W and I have been on very good terms since BD, so doing stuff together never causes any friction or problems. And to be clear, the focus is completely on the kids. I'm not going to hang all over W, sit next to her and whisper sweet nothings in her ear, LOL!
