Bruce, I hear your anxiety about in some way relinquishing "rights" to your son if you are not at 50/50 physical custody by January. I agree with others, though, that it is not at all in your son's best interest now to be at 50/50 by January given that you do not even have him for overnights yet.
A more realistic goal that I think would be in everyone better interest is to reach some sort of agreement/plan with your W by January that describes the progression via which you guys will reach a more equal parenting arrangement over the next few months. If there is a plan in place by January that shows an agreement to work towards something resembling 50/50, won't that be good enough? First you should progress to having an overnight and then a weekend, etc. before you progress to full-fledged 50/50. Maybe consult with some web sites or developmental psychologists that specialize in shared custody and working towards shared custody where there was mainly single parent custody at the outset (perhaps even with your W) to see what they recommend as developmentally appropriate.
The more your W believes that your concerns are with S and the overall family and not only with what is in your best interest, I am guessing the more receptive she might be. It may take some time for her to believe it to be true.
Me-53 W-49 D22,D18,D15 T-Since-12/2001 Married-9/2004 She Moved Out-5/28/2010 Piecing start-04/2011 Now-together Thread http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2079304
Bruce, you should be thanking your lucky stars that you landed here and have these very patient wise people trying to help you grow as a person.
Because that is way more important than trying to help you save your marriage.
I have read all along and I sometimes wonder why anyone would be trying to feed you the words to say and the actions to do to BEGIN being anything like someone your W would even talk to let alone give her child to for an extended period of time.
If you went running into the court right now demanding 50/50 and setting up daycare instead of the boy's loving grandparents and claiming that your 2yo will take a week to adjust to what YOU want for YOU with no regard or understanding of what he needs...
Well, good luck. I would not be the judge you'd want on that case.
You should be filling your mind with information and education about child development, instead of claiming because you impregnated his mom you know what is best for him now. You should be working so hard to provide him what he really does need - a thoughtful good dad in his life.
Instead, you're creating machinations to force him away from his mother or force her to come back to you. It is all about what you want.
You should be sooooo loving that you'll let W have the space she's sought. You should be sooooo thankful of that little man her father and the mother who took your w in and are caring for your son. They are all mad at you, and your response is....to be mad at them back.
You should be humble, forgiving, loving, thoughtful, questioning, seeking, striving to learn what that little boy needs.... or else how on earth could anyone really be wanting to help you get 50% of time with him?
And if you want an outsider's opinion, what on EARTH are you doing lining up daycare? The boy has full time loving daycare with grandparents. That is where he should go when you're at work. What are you THINKING?
Hate to be harsh, but I would hate to see you reach your goals too soon, or your son will be the one who suffers.
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
"As for the custody of my son, that would be unfair to grant her more time than to me. It's not because she withheld him for so long that it means she cares more. For what reason should she have more rights than me?"
Because she has shown to be the more responsible parent since he was born.
"For the moment, she's at her parents, and therefore her mum takes care of our son 24/7."
You have no proof of that.
"But I won't give up on him, and we'll keep asking the court for 50% custody immediately."
Which I know you're not ready for.
"If she really can't support the idea of being separated to our son, there's a very simple solution, and I'm open to it: Move back with me! Simple, really."
Or third option: she goes for FULL custody and allows the court to determine how often you can see your son because she has proof of you being an absentee father. This is probably the option she's going to take.
Lose the attitude.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
"As for the custody of my son, that would be unfair to grant her more time than to me. It's not because she withheld him for so long that it means she cares more. For what reason should she have more rights than me?" Because she has shown to be the more responsible parent since he was born.
How can you not see this ^^^ by now, Bruce? You were NOT a great or even decent father. All you did was write some checks and "visit" with him. There has been NO "care" for him by you. it's ALL HER or HER family and instead of you being grateful for their loving FREE care, which you paid nothing for, you are mad and whiny that "she isn't sacrificing" as much as you think you will by having him....OMG...wow...
"For the moment, she's at her parents, and therefore her mum takes care of our son 24/7." You have no proof of that. So what if they do? Most grandparents are loving as they sound AND they are free and stable. That's way better than daycare for a 2 y/o, and any parent knows that!
"But I won't give up on him, and we'll keep asking the court for 50% custody immediately." Which I know you're not ready for.
AMEN.
"If she really can't support the idea of being separated to our son, there's a very simple solution, and I'm open to it: Move back with me! Simple, really." SIGH...to ME, this reeks. It sure looks as if You are seeking 50% BECAUSE you want to force her to return to you, OR punish her if she does not.
Enough said.
Or third option: she goes for FULL custody and allows the court to determine how often you can see your son because she has proof of you being an absentee father. This is probably the option she's going to take.
Lose the attitude.
If I were HER Lawyer, I'd suggest she go for full physical custody with limited visitation. That is what I'd argue on HER behalf b/c it's what she wants AND b/c the child barely knows you. But if I were appointed the child's lawyer, which happens in some places,
I'd usually want both parents involved BUT my priority would be best interests of the child.
YOU think that "best interests" of the child naturally means half custody but "stability & routine" are the hallmarks of "best interests" of a child. You are not part of that yet. You are a virtual stranger to him. And in my opinion, it increasingly looks as if your main goal in seeking custody is to punish her for leaving you OR to manipulate her into returning.
None of this comes from a loving place in your heart.
Take it slow and stop sounding like a petulants child making demands or forcing yourself on her.
BECOME THE MAN YOU WERE MEANT TO BECOME...CHANGE
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Lots of details, lots of things to think about. Brace.
So today I get there to pick my son. W is downstairs, and I ask if she wants to come along. She says ok.
So we go to my place, and in the car we do small talk. (Of course I do not mention R, or D, or legal stuff). At home, I serve biscuits, juice and read him a story and play with him. W was on the couch, slouched. So, I go sit next to her, and she started stroking our S and kissing him, like 10 cm from me. Oh I wished, I so wished we were still together... At some point, I take a picture, I wish you could see it, I'm teaching S to ride the tricycle, and W is laying on the couch, as if it were nothing, as if we were a normal family. Disturbing.
We watch a little Blu-Ray, I play piano, we eat chocolate, and there's no talk of proceedings, of custody battles or anything, just neutral stuff.
Then, it was time, so I drive them back home. On the way back, I don't how it came but I was telling her how I went to hunting with my friend in Italy and then I said, "but I know you got mad at me for wanting to get shotguns and rifles, so I didn't". Later, we were talking about death (I'm an alpinist, so naturally, it is a very present and real thing for us), and she asked me if I still was interested in going to the Anapurna, and I responded "nah, now things are different, I have responsibilities now" and turned and looked our S. Those are two MAJOR BIG TIME 180s, they are 360 ! I used to being absorbed only by paragliding this, Nepal that, etc... and now I'm showing that my family and our S are more important than me!
Reading your comments, I then sent this : "Would you like us to talk about a progressive plan/agreement to works towards via which we would reach a more equal parenting arrangement over the next few weeks/month?" thanks Bustorama
I even suggested that I was open to leaving young Bruce at her mom when I was at work. thanks Adinva. I even thanked the good work her mom is doing!!!!!!! --> This way, I'm showing pure interest in S rather than my wants. And that I don't rush, to punish her or anything.
And it's not a tactic or a strategy, if it's better for our toddler to have a smooth transition, so be it. What counts is in the end that I can have him 50%. I also alluded that the best for him was to have a mom and dad, and that I was glad the door was open to take things slowly between W and me : this is to try and clarify what she meant the other day... which I still am not sure of. (And if I ask now, I sure will look like the uninterested not-listening guy).
Please give me kudos. 8/10 at least, come on already!
Me:34 ; W:28 Son: almost 2. Married : 14 March 2009 DBomb : 18 June 2012 Separated since Jan 2012 (different countries) Same country and city since July 2012
IMHO, I wouldn't give her a gift. Just a nice card with Merry Christmas and that's it.
MAYBE help your son pick something out (that you have narrowed down first, so he picks the "blue one" or the "green one", etc) and maybe he can take some pleasure in giving.
Not sure if he's old enough to recall it but if so, maybe that. Sign "From Son"...
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Lots of details, lots of things to think about. Brace.
So today I get there to pick my son. W is downstairs, and I ask if she wants to come along. She says ok. my guess is you think it must have been DBing b/c she said yes. But it was pursuit, again. Just b/c it didn't blow up in your face THIS TIME doesn't mean you are DBing.
So we go to my place, and in the car we do small talk. (Of course I do not mention R, or D, or legal stuff). Thank God.
At home, I serve biscuits, juice and read him a story and play with him. W was on the couch, slouched. So, I go sit next to her, and she started stroking our S and kissing him, like 10 cm from me. Oh I wished, I so wished we were still together... At some point, I take a picture, I wish you could see it, I'm teaching S to ride the tricycle, and W is laying on the couch, as if it were nothing, as if we were a normal family. Disturbing.
why disturbing?
We watch a little Blu-Ray, I play piano, we eat chocolate, and there's no talk of proceedings, of custody battles or anything, just neutral stuff.
Then, it was time, so I drive them back home. On the way back, I don't how it came but I was telling her how I went to hunting with my friend in Italy and then I said, "but I know you got mad at me for wanting to get shotguns and rifles, so I didn't".
why'd you say that? ^^^ What was your goal? To prove what?
Later, we were talking about death (I'm an alpinist, so naturally, it is a very present and real thing for us), and she asked me if I still was interested in going to the Anapurna, and I responded "nah, now things are different, I have responsibilities now" and turned and looked our S. Those are two MAJOR BIG TIME 180s, they are 360 ! I used to being absorbed only by paragliding this, Nepal that, etc... and now I'm showing that my family and our S are more important than me! you are SAYING words that sugggest new priorities. That's nice. But Don't assume she'll believe them, or that she'll assume your changes are going to last even if they are "real" at the moment...that takes consistency AND time.
Reading your comments, I then sent this : "Would you like us to talk about a progressive plan/agreement to works towards via which we would reach a more equal parenting arrangement over the next few weeks/month?" thanks Bustorama[/b Good^^^
I even suggested that I was open to leaving young Bruce at her mom when I was at work.[b] thanks Adinva. I even thanked the good work her mom is doing!!!!!!!
--> This way[b], I'm showing pure interest in S rather than my wants. And that I don't rush, to punish her or anything.[/b] Bruce, sorry...but these comments^^^ are just normal things that considerate people say. Just a few days ago, You were just complaining about the hassle of having to take him to daycare and pay for it WHILE saying you want more custody ...when in fact you were perfectly willing to remove him from the only care he's gotten for the past year, more than half his life...with your wife and her parents. You said he'd "get over it in a week" and you sure didn't sound as if you cared much...NO offense mon ami, but comments like that make you sound as if parenting is completely new and foreign to you.
now you are awakening to the reality that it LOOKS self centered and I'm glad you get that. In total, this is not "proof" of you making your son THE priority. Not yet.
And it's not a tactic or a strategy, if it's better for our toddler to have a smooth transition, so be it. It IS better for him to have a smooth transition. No question.
What counts is in the end that I can have him 50%.
No. What counts is that what is best FOR HIM, is what happens. You are not, at the moment, what is best for him. I'm sorry. I take no pleasure saying that. But how can you argue that you are who is best for him when you say things like "he'll get over it in a week" AND you don't know him? And you still mock your wife and are seething w/rage just under the surface.
I also alluded that the best for him was to have a mom and dad, and that I was glad the door was open to take things slowly between W and me : this is to try and clarify what she meant the other day... which I still am not sure of. (And if I ask now, I sure will look like the uninterested not-listening guy). What did She say or do when you alluded to that? I WOULD tell her you are not clear about what she meant when she made the "take it slowly" comment...
it's better than not knowing and looking as if you DID hear her well but chose to ignore what she said...
better to be clear (and swallow your pride) and admit you were distracted and confused, than to pretend to know....and to guess wrong.
Please give me kudos. 8/10 at least, come on already!
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
