After hemming and hawing between long periods of silence, P has officially bailed on the trip plans. And no matter how many times she hinted, I wouldn't accept it and let go of the idea until she could be explicit and definitive. It took up way too much of my head space in the last month.
It's really hard to tear my attention away from the back and forth over there. And whatever I couldn't see, I made up. I was sure she was heading off without me.
She finally called tonight and we had a fun and interesting talk, as usual. (She often closes by saying she really enjoyed talking to me.) I'm sad to realize the trip is definitively cancelled. I'm relieved to know she's not going without me. I feel more calm having reconnected with her. And I have plenty of observations that I can just take in without necessarily having feelings or opinions about them.
She said she spent a long time agonizing about the logistics of the trip (which were definitely challenging). Then she decided that she really wanted to do a major project on the house she bought and she wants to bring her adult kids to visit her this summer. She can't afford to do all those things, so she identified her priorities.
It was a long call. I ended first. It's such an emotional let down when it's over. Such a long time between drinks of water.
So... what are you going to do for you?? I want to live vicariously through you so... make it really cool and fun.
You can not change your past, but you can ruin a perfectly good present by worrying about the future.
Thanks Bug, Wendy. I don't feel like it's loyalty as much as interest that I have. Other than the recent times when her anger was working its way out, she's really pleasant, fun, and interesting to be around. I got an hour of that on the phone and I missed it terribly when I hung up.
She's choosing to maintain a level of contact below what I need to keep me engaged. And besides, she moved out and far away. The old R is dead and gone. Every time I'm reminded of the good stuff, I get to do some more grieving.
Given how plans for our fall and winter time together evolved, it's clear to me that I need to make plans only with myself right now.
A road trip is tempting, but I'm thinking about a local birding course for the spring that involves lots of shorter trips. That's been on my bucket list for at least a decade. Might be time to just do it!
SD - the birding course sounds fun actully. Good start to me too living vicariously through you! Lol :-)
I think you are pretty cool.
Busting
TPS Me: 44 H: 42 M14 T17 S10 D7 10/10 H moves out after death of his father-same month 21/04/12 H is 'DONE' 04/05/12 OW/PA confirmed (rumors from 2010) July '14 H ends affair May '15 H moves back home
That sounds awesome... and gives me some ideas too. Funny, I had to buy a friend a birthday present this past weekend and I got her a birdfeeder and seed... she has a 2 year old and I just know that they will have so much fun feeding and watching the birds together. Thanks
Me(f): 51 W: 41 DP:8 M:3 T:10 "W not happy" 7/11 D final: 8/13
Spring cleaning on my computer this week. In addition to photos from happier times, I found a letter where P first clearly articulated that living in my house with too much of my clutter was a serious issue for her. She feared that I wouldn't be able to address the issue sufficiently before her patience ran out. She was right.
All that and no winter trip.
Lots of feelings to process. And I can see that if I was getting ready for a trip I wouldn't be doing this processing. So, somewhere under all this sadness I have an appreciation that it's a gift. Another effin' opportunity for growth.
I will be doing a little travel for work next week. I'm thrilled at the chance to interrupt my self imposed meditation retreat.
