RLA, you are really having a hard time right now and I feel for you. It's an ugly mess that doesn't have an obvious solution that gets you what you want. And it's not even obvious what you should want. And it's scary. And it's happening at Christmas.
You have also gotten some really good advice here. Advice that's really hard to pull off. That needs to be done for the long haul. That may or may not be successful in saving your M.
I get it. I really do. I think we all do. I don't think anyone here is discounting anything you're feeling. Most of us are feeling or have felt it ourselves. The specifics of the situation may vary, but deep down it looks pretty much the same for everyone. We're here for you. We know what you're going through. And we want the best for you, which may or may not be saving your M.
No advice from me today. Just a giant hug. (((((RLA)))))
First of all - thank you everyone for your input and help and caring. I don't know what I'd do without this board for support. You all are wonderful people. I'd be crazy to leave you if I were your spouse. ;-)
Secondly - to BklynMom - I apologize for snapping at you this morning - it was really early here and I was still feeling really hurt from the way that my MC session went. I'm very sensitive right now and I need to have the hurt acknowledged. Not that it's your responsibility to do that, but that is what I was reacting to in the moment. So, nothing personal there.
Thirdly. I have received some very good advice in the last few days. But I find I've been having trouble organizing it or internalizing it. It's like I know intellectually what I am supposed to do, but for some reason I just haven't been able to get to the point where I can put my own crap aside for my sake or H's sake or my boys' sake. I am very wrapped up in my own hurt and anger and frustration - and you are right, Mach 1, it has to come out somehow.
So after reading everyone's posts this morning I sat at work and made two lists - what I am willing to do, and what I am not willing to do. It gave me a lot of clarity. I'm willing to work on me, to accept H's position in the M, to be kind and loving and supportive and to be open to suggestions (among other things). I am NOT willing to be bullied, attacked, demeaned, belittled or disrespected. I am NOT willing to be in a R or M where I do not feel safe, heard and loved. (I am also not willing to go to that useless MC anymore).
I spoke to my IC today and he said, "Regretful, I knew there would come a time when you said to yourself, 'Enough is enough.' And I think you've gotten there." I asked my IC to help me refocus on me so I can start to heal.
Then I was doing a little shopping on Amazon and noticed a book I'd put in my cart called "Why Talking is Not Enough: 8 Loving Actions that Will Transform Your Marriage." by Susan Page.
I decided to get the Kindle version and started reading it. After the first few pages, I started to feel like this book was summing up everything everyone's been saying to me. The basic premise is that you can't control your spouse and trying to communicate is usually ineffective and just makes things worse. I've certainly been experiencing that. So the way you make change is by doing "loving actions." This, in essence is DB. Act as if. Do a 180. Put your own feelings aside and smile.
The difference between this book and DB is that this book puts a slightly different context behind it: you do these things not to fix your R but to further YOUR spiritual growth. I am not sure why that made more sense to me, but I guess the fact that I'd be getting something out of all this unrequited love and kindness feels attractive. I'm just at the beginning, but I'm thinking it might be a good companion to DB/DR for those who are having trouble internalizing the concepts. I think it is going to go into a different level of detail, so I'm very excited about reading it.
Lastly - since I know that what I've been doing has not been getting the result that I want, it's time to do something differently. I think it's more than that - it's time to feel differently too, and it's time to start doing it for ME. And I also think I should commemorate this shift by starting a new thread. I will post the link in the next post.
Me54, H53 M 23, T 25 S20, S18 BD: April 2024 Moved out: August 2024
Love means not giving up on someone even if they've given up on you.
"Being right is the booby prize of life." - Susan Page
These helped me change my mind among many other things. If only my W would absorb the message too.
M17 yrs. me49 xW47 d15 d11
BD1-Jul/11(Affair found out) Therapy 9 months (tried 2) BD2- May/12(sep) Court Jul/13 - I got 50/50 Sold home - Aug/13 Court #2 - Dec/13 Court#3 - Apr/14 ... She lost again We settled.
that was priceless to watch, I'm about to grab D and see the whole thing from the beginning. Funny how it can be just that simple. Maybe one day my H will get a clue, but I fear it will be too late!
Happy Holidays!
The past can't be ahead of you in the future. You don't have to figure it all out, just pick a direction. What's next...I don't know but I can't wait!
