Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Trying really hard to be Thankful today...

Thanks AS, Turtle and Rick for your thoughts. I really appreciate the "there is nothing more beautiful than a pregnant woman"!

I am having really bad self esteem issues these past days. I just feel like Im constantly comparing myself to OW and I should be way past that now. I know that I am great in so many ways, but H chose her and that still stabs me whenever I think about it. I hear all the time how great I look and how pregnancy suits me, but yet, its not H telling me that. He hasnt said one nice thing to me since all this started...everything has been so negative:(

He took D11 out yesterday to get her the iphone 5. Totally ridiculous if you ask me, but of course, right now that is all he has is "things" that he can buy for them. D said H was in a terrible mood the whole time...not sure why. He was complaining to her that he didnt feel good, had body aches and chills. I find it so strange that he would complain to his 11 year old about all that when he only sees her a few hours a week. Anwyay, she didnt care..she got her phone and that was all that was important to her. When he dropped her off, he came in to see D14, but she is mad at him so she wouldnt get up off the couch to hug him. He made small talk with me and left quickly. We had put up some Christmas decorations and the tree was up but not decorated. H didnt make any mention of anything while he was there...oh well...guess he really doesnt care that he is missing out on the family traditions like decorating the tree....

I must say, that although it should not matter to me, I am getting the sense that H is not happy right now. Between the things the kids tell me, and me seeing him lately, he just doesnt look good. Maybe it is true that he is not really happy, but tries to come off that way. I can tell you that the times I have talked to him or seen him (always revolving around the kids) I have been soooo nice...and smiley too! Im trying on my 180s, but honestly, the one big one was me getting a job and I cannot let him know Im working for fear he will take me back to court and pay less money. I also wont be able to work when I have the baby for at least 8 weeks, so even though Im working, its still only part time. This was one big issue he had with me...that I didnt go back to work and help with finances. For years, I didnt need to, but it was time and he left before I did it. He even mentioned to my D14 that mom needs to get a job! Maybe he will feel less guilt when Im working and he doesnt feel like he left me with no job and no money!

My best girlfriend called tonight and we talked for awhile and H came up. She is the one who went to court with me and who H texted and "broke up" with after court. She said that she has been thinking about him a lot lately and praying for him to just get better and realize his mistakes and actions. She said to me that she just cannot believe that H , who loved his kids and family so much, can not feel some feelings about the new baby coming. It must be strange to know that you have a baby that will be born in 3 months and you know nothing about the baby, or the pregnancy. How can H just not care? He obviously doesnt, but how can that be? Is OW that wonderful and he is that IN LOVE that he will forsake his own kids to be with her?

UGGG...makes me sick to think that is exactly what he has done.

My GALing is going well, as usual. Im not one to sit around, thats for sure...but I just wish I was feeling better than I am almost 4 months since he left. The OW has been in the picture for 8 months now. I also am confused that in the beginning he was back and forth, honestly confused on what to do and who to be with. He said things like "I cant imagine life without you" and "I want to be home and with you and my kids" but that changed so quickly. It was like one day, he was up in the air and than the next, he was with her and moved out...I guess this is normal of WAH...they cake eat until they cannot anymore. I just never, ever thought he would chose her over me...I never thought that he would stoop so low.

AS...I anxiously await the day where I can wake and not think about how cold the other side of my bed is and not think of H at least once an hour all day long...

Sweet,
Don't compare yourself to the OW.

You represent responsibility to your H - and he is running from that. Fast.

He needs to escape any form of responsibility - and the shame of what he is doing makes it all the worse. So he runs faster and feels worse, and needs someone like an OW (any convenient OW) to make him feel better about himself.

He is focused on his own survival, that is all. The OW makes it a little bit more likely that he will survive, as he sees it.

Buying expensive gadgets to woo the kids seems like script in these sitches.
And your H's failure to comment on the Xmas tree is pretty much par for the course as well. Can you imagine how they must feel missing things like this with their families? Maybe ignoring the evidence is the only way they can cope.

I think one of the worst aspects of our situations is the way our H's used to be around the family - loving and involved fathers. Others can't fathom how these guys could be doing what they are doing. Everyone seems shocked by what is going on with our H's. And this makes it so very hard to deal with.
There seems to be no rhyme or reason for where we find ourselves. And yet, that is MLC.

Your words below really resonated with me - because this is exactly what I've noticed about my stbx's behaviour:

" in the beginning he was back and forth, honestly confused on what to do and who to be with. He said things like "I cant imagine life without you" and "I want to be home and with you and my kids" but that changed so quickly. It was like one day, he was up in the air and than the next, he was with her and moved out...I guess this is normal of WAH...they cake eat until they cannot anymore. I just never, ever thought he would chose her over me...I never thought that he would stoop so low."

My take on this is that they get so conflicted about what they are doing - i.e. having the affair, that they just can't 'do it' any more. So they choose the path of escape - set up with the OW. This way they feel they don't need to face the shame and lies and betrayal of having a wife and family while running an OW as well. It happens quickly because they feel they are 'dying' if they don't escape from the horror of what they are doing.

Hi, Sweet,
I know all this is soooooo difficult! Our MLCers turn into this whole other person, a stranger in our H's body. Somewhere deep inside we believe the REAL H is in there. HE is the one who loves US, HE is the one who loves his family more than life itself, HE is the one who used to treat us like a princess, and HE is the one that is all torn up that HE is doing this to us...& yet HE can't stop this stranger that has taken over.

I agree w NLW. This person has gone so far down this strange road he doesn't even know where he's headed or maybe even how he got there.

It seems obvious from what you've said that your H is NOT HAPPY, but tries to justify what he's done to try to FEEL happy. His truth will haunt him if he ignores it forever... meaning that he KNOWS that this is NOT him, but he is LOST and DOESN'T KNOW WHO HE IS ANYMORE.

The more I read about MLCers the sadder I become...b/c the reality is that each has his own journey through this and they cause all this damage along the way. The question is will he ever find his way back to you (or, forward to you, I should say)...and will you still be waiting for him if he does?

This is the question we LBS have to answer for ourselves. At some point we have to let them go, let them find themselves if they can, and decide for ourselves at some point if we want to continue to be there IF/WHEN they come out of this fog.

In the meantime, we take care of ourselves, do damage control, and love our kids DOUBLE. Hang in there, Sweet!

Okay, just an update. Actually, there isn't much to update, except that tonight was H's one night that he gets the kids during the week and there is always something to report when they get home.

Earlier today, H called the house 2 times and left a message for me that he needed to ask my something. I did not return his call. I just figured if he has something to ask me, he can email me since he doesnt have my cell phone # to text me anymore. I figured it was something money related, so I let it go. I did receive a email later and he was asking for some car paperwork. I responded (about 3 hours later) "ok" and that was it. Usually I would have gone into detail that I would try to find it and that I was going to be gone tonight etc...but I didnt.

My D11 decided that she didnt want to go with H tonight, so she got a mean text from him that he was upset and that he will not put up with her kicking dirt in his face. H said that she got her phone and now she doesnt want to see him and that he will just have a good time with her sister. H responded this after she wrote that it was his fault he never gets to see her, so he gets angry when the kids throw the reality in his face. He cannot handle the truth.

So, D14 wasn't going to go unless he took her to a certain restaurant. (bratty, yes, but I don't care..he deserves it if you ask me) and he did say he would take here there. I had dinner plans with a girlfriend tonight and I left before he got here to pick D14 up. (D11 Was at a friends house). So, when he got here, he apparently asked D14 where I was and where her sister was. She said sister was with friend and I was out to dinner. He asked with who and she said she didn't know. He then said to D that he thinks I am seeing someone. And asked her if she thought so...to which she responded that she didnt know. He then asked her if she would be upset if I was and she said "NO". She asked him if he would be jealous and he said NO.

At dinner, during conversation, D also asked H if he will be sad when the final divorce came around and he said yes, he would be sad and that he was very sad on our anniversary. He told D that he had to be the one who contacted me on that day to say something. Did he really think I would contact him when he is with another woman now????

Anyway, they talked about the baby and other things but she said that this time they did talk about school and her braces and that stuff...thank god. Normal conversation with your 14 year old!

I got a kick out of this one...he told D that he wanted to travel the world with her and take her places as soon as he gets back on his feet! I had to laugh...this is coming from the guy who NEVER made any plans for us or our family and any trip we ever took was my doing! H really is saying some crazy things!

I have to ask...why would he even care if I was seeing someone? I mean, he is with OW...so why would he even ask?? Also, I didnt plan on him getting this impression, Im pregnant for gosh sakes, but if he thinks that I am seeing someone, does this push them further away? Just curious?

All Im doing is GAling...and maybe he does notice that I am gone a lot when he comes around and I also have had NC contact with him. I know that me not giving him my new cell number was a great step for me because it prevents any useless conversations that we used to have that would end up in arguments. It also makes him have to call our email to ask me anything...which is more effort on his part. He is used to me being there on the other end of a cell phone or being here when he gets the kids etc...but I have changed all of that. He may not care...but he noticed.

I also had IC today for the first time in 3 weeks. (he was on vaca and then I was working so we finally got back on schedule!) He was very helpful today and made the comment that he really thought I was doing better than he has ever seen me. He also said that I was looking so great! (then the apologized to me that it may have made me uncomfortable to mention my blue eyes and great smile!) He is older and very nice and I took it as a compliment...wasnt uncomfy at all! He is like the 20th person (NOT LYING) that has paid me a compliment in the past 2 days! It must be a pregnancy glow! Of course, everyone notices but H...but oh well..I feel good about it!

H sees another counslor in the group and although the counselors cannot talk about what we say to them individually, they do occasionally consult. Maybe just to see how each of us is doing? Today I made the comment to my counselor that I sometimes get these waves of "WHY?" that come over me and I wonder what is so great about OW that had made him choose her? My counselor replied that between what I have told him and what he has learned in consultation with H's counselor, that it seems to be about my H and not about OW. I think I knew this already...but I guess the counselors see it too! Uggg...if only he could see what he is losing...

I got the book the script today...I saw a few people recommend to read it since its a fast read...Im off to start it now...

SB

So I have been thinking about it since last night and have come to the thought that maybe H thinks I'm seeing someone because its what he is doing? Maybe he just thinks that because he has found someone new that I would just go and do the same thing??? Looking for advice on my previous thread....should I just let him think what he wants? I just dont want him to think that if Im seeing someone that he can have no guilt over his OW now...but...I cannot keep him from thinking something...true or untrue..

And once again, I question...why does he even care??

I would spend no time thinking about it -- it's a very common thing for a person having an affair to ask. Why do they ask?

(1) if you start seeing someone else they can feel less guilty because you are doing it too
(2) if you start seeing someone else it might mean they can't have you back when they want you and may trigger some jealousy and fear

(1) has the potential to push them farther away, (2) has the potential to draw them back to you. Unfortunately, you don't know which direction they are going to take, and it may be both at the same time. That's why it's not worth worrying about, it doesn't lead anywhere.

You have no control over his guilt -- you can't make him feel more or less guilty, that's up to him. Even if you told him that everything he has done is completely okay with you, he may still feel guilty, because you can't control that. If you did everything you could do to make him feel terribly guilty, he still may not feel any guilt at all and just feel like a victim.

You should let him think what he wants. It is to your advantage if he wonders what you are up to. Don't tell him. Mystery is good. Just live your life, take care of your baby, pursue good times during the holidays, and surrender to the fact that he will do and think what he wants.

Accuray

Sweet,
I agree w Accuray. His thoughts about you possibly seeing OM are potentially all over the map. So, don't waste your time trying to analyze it.

If it makes you feel better (as my H seemed to be concerned that maybe I am looking for greener grasses, too, which I am NOT), then assume it is jealousy and fear on his part. I do. Why not?

Also, your H's interactions w his D11 are SO JUVENILE! He is clearly trying to "buy his love" and then gets angry when his materialistic endeavors are not getting him the emotional response he thinks he deserves.

He is in a stage of "replay" where he is acting at a much younger age (think teenage years), so trying to analyze his actions as a H and F is pointless.

You deserve so much to look back at these precious times (getting ready to have a baby) w happiness and love, but that is being ripped away from you by the very person you want it from...it is sooo hard! But, try to get some enjoyment from your close friends and family (esp your D's). Ultimately they will be your rocks and your lifeboats as you swim in these turbulant waters!

((((((HUGS))))))

Thanks for the advice...I appreciate it and I do think that I just need to let the comments he makes just go...it isnt worth thinking about over and over.

Tonight Im really upset though...I got an email asking for his passport card..which, of course, made me curious. I was on the phone with a friend telling her about it and how I was sure he was taking OW somewhere (although he has NO money...) and my D14 heard me and said "mom, I know where dad is going..he told me" apparently, his VERY RICH uncle and his uncle's family is treating him to a Mexico vaca for New Years Eve. Now, get this....he told D14 they are taking him because....HE HAS BEEN UNDER SUCH STRESS LATELY... OMG..are you kidding me...he caused every single bit of this stress...

So, firstly, I still have doubts that he is going with uncle and not OW...but..he doesnt have money...so Im not sure how he would take her anywhere..but he could be. I know this is guessing on my part and making me upset...but I cant help but to think it. Also, he has hated his uncle his whole life for how awful of man he is and how rich he is..so its very strange that he would choose to go on a vacation with him and his cousins.

What pisses me off is that Im the one home doing all the responsible things and pregnant and he can just make vacation plans like its nothing...no big deal...

Im so sad pissed and sad...

Just another selfish move on H's part...just showing how he only cares about himself...I just dont think he will be able to change...

I guess because he was so with held in his childhood and teen years (wasnt allowed to do anything) and then he got married to me and was tied down to responsibility, he is now just doing anything and everything he can to be free...

must be friggin nice to be able to not have a care in the world...

Hi, Sweet,

I would be pi$$ed too if H was taking a leisurely vacation to deal with "his stress!" That is just the icing on the cake, isn't it?!

LIke you said though, he doesn't have any money so isn't likely that OW will be going. The truth is this OW is so inconsequential to the problems he is dealing with. HE is not going to be happy w her, b/c he is dragging the same problems that caused him to leave you with him!

I've been reading a lot about MLCers & yours sounds very classic. Don't take what he is doing personally--it isn't about you...it is all about HIM. And, he can't see past his own face in the mirror.

Sweet, what specifically are you doing for yourself? What brings a smile to your face? You (and I) need to take the focus off our H's and channel our energy to all the blessings in our lives. I know, easier said than done.

Turtle,

I agree that we need to channel our energy into our own happiness and MOST days, I can honestly say that I do that. The thing is...it only takes one stupid thing to make me fall apart. I guess the good news is that when I do have a sobbing break down, it only last a few minutes and then I can regroup and go on. I used to let it affect me for hours, days and sometimes an entire weekend.

I dont know how you are able to see your H as much as you do...I just cannot even look at mine anymore. I do see him VERY occasionally and it still upsets me. I am far from detached! I just find that if I dont see him, that I do better. I also do better not talking or texting him. I should have done that a long ago! (yes, I know so many on here advised of it and once I did it, its been better!)

I think I know that OW is not what its all about...but its hard to not think of her and compare what they have to what he had. H is soooo deep into selfishness right now its unreal. It really baffles me on a regular basis with the things he comes up with...its almost comical!

I wish that my H cared more about his kids. It seems from your posts that your H still is very involved and even allows a bit of flirting between the 2 of you! I miss that so much!

My H is VERY DEPRESSED...there is NO DOUBT...just the way he looks and acts and the things he says...I hope that he can get better...at least for his kids sake!

Thanks for keeping up with me...I appreciate the advice and comments. My kids bring a smile to my face everyday! And when my baby kicks...lots of smiles for that too! I cannot wait until he is born and I can hold him....although I dont know what Im going to do with a boy!!!! I have 2 drama queen girls:) Looks like boys is all you know...maybe in 3 months I will be on here asking for baby boy advice for the real baby and not the man baby that I married!!! :):):):) Made myself smile!