Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Trying really hard to be Thankful today...

LOL! I agree with SS too... maybe an innocent update on FB on what a wonderful experience it was to see your S afterwards... hahahahaha.

Ruby said something that was critical here. No reading into anything! Soooooo hard but so true. You must understand that his feelings today may be entirely different tomorrow. Because of that, it's essential we stick to a game plan NO MATTER WHAT.

Thanks Subguy.

Your quote SB was beautiful... reminded me of one of my favorites from Wizard of Oz: “If I ever go looking for my heart's desire again, I won't look any further than my own back yard. Because if it isn't there, I never really lost it to begin with.”

Take care and I am praying for you.

LIS

Thanks LIS, ruby and others!

I do know that I have to be careful and not read into anything. Unfortunately, I believe that anything H does right now that is half way nice is sketchy. I always am thinking he has an different motive:( I wish I didnt have to think that way, but I do, sadly!

I think he must have been feeling a bit nostalgic last night. Late last night (too late for D14 to be getting texts) she came downstairs crying...and handed me her phone. There was a message from H. It said:

"Im singing by myself right now and thinking of being there:( Im missing you"

This made her upset. I just calmed her down and talked to her and then after she went to bed I got kinda upset that he has the nerve to text her those things. If he is thinking about how it was here at our house than he needs to keep it to himself because D14 doesnt need to know.

He used to be in a band with his buddies (that he quit when he left me) and he used to sing all the time here on his mic to practice. He just recently got his stuff from his buddies house so I guess this was the first time he had practiced and sang and it reminded him of how he used to do that here.

I guess he really does think of home sometimes...

Anyway...kinda weird that he texted her that. Then he sent one more text that said "I just set up all my DJ stuff to make sure everything is working...Im a loser" I didnt quite get that text at all..but goes to show is in a strange thought process right now???

So, I felt the need to post here tonight...feeling sad:( I have had a bad few couple days...just feeling sad, missing H's presence this season, belly getting bigger, etc...

Been trying to get out and do things, which I have. I finished my Christmas shopping and kids have friends over tonight baking cookies, listening to Christmas music, and we are doing our best to enjoy ourselves. I even got Chrismas cards made today and will be addressing them out tonight to go in the mail on Monday...I wasn't sure I was going to get any out this year!

Anyway, H had called earlier and asked if the kids wanted to do lunch and they both had other plans and said NO. I had answered and before I handed the phone over to the kids, I asked if he would mind sticking the support check in the mailbox this weekend. (Last time he waited until Wed when he saw the kids to pay me and I am supposed to get it the Friday he gets paid). I need the money right now, becuase I just finished Christmas shopping and cannot wait until Wed this week. He said that he would bring it by since he will be in town tonight doing a DJ gig.

Well, he stopped by while we were making cookies and such and we (D14 and her friend, D11 and her friend and me) all were in the foyer with him. He hugged each D and handed me the check. We made small talk for about 5 minutes and he left. During this 5 minutes we mentioned the tradgedy in CT and also that he wasn't feeling good. H mentioned he is working a lot and was at the office until 12:15 this morning working. I told him to have fun tonight and he left.

Minutes later, D14 received a text that said "awkward". That made me so sad...that he feels that way just being around me and the kids together for 5 minutes. Then he texted to her "ick..next time I will wait for you to just come outside". So, D14 got upset and texted back "so you cannot be around my mom who is pregnant with your baby?" and he responded "its not that...just all eyes on me made me feel uncomfortable".

This made me so sad. Its hard to let these things roll off my back:( Seeing him this time of year is hard enough, but that he would take the time to text D14 and relay to her that he was uncomfortable and awkward made me so sad and hurt. I felt like this was just another sign that he will not ever be coming back home...if he feels so uncomfortable just standing here for 5 minutes.

Its amazing that we have become complete strangers in the 4 months he has been gone:( It makes me so sad. I was his wife for 15 years and am currently still his wife...why the heck would he feel awkward in front of me??

I just feel like him texting that put a damper on the whole mood this evening. If he felt that...why couldn't he have kept it to himself. He is so different now.....why oh why does he think that this is the answer to the rest of our lives?

I still get sad when I see him and miss him...he thinks its "Ick" to see me...I just want him to have an ounce of sadness and just remember what used to be when he sees me...guess I need to let that go...

encouragement?

The awkward comment to your daughter was inappropriate. What a piece of work to write that. I wonder if their would have been a good way for you to show your daughter how to handle a boundary issue in a healthy way. I'm sure someone will come along and have a great answer to that. She is needs to learn early how to handle crap like that, as I'm 44 and just learning.

SB,

You're twisting this to put the most negative spin on it. He said the "ick" and the "awkward" were NOT about you, he felt like everyone was staring at him. This is WAS script -- it's always all about them. It is not a reflection on you -- don't make it one.

Your H is inappropriate with your daughters -- you need to set a boundary with him that he needs to keep his discussions with them appropriate. They are not his therapist or his base of moral support. He needs to support them, not the other way around. If you can meet with a family therapist, first alone and then with him, the therapist may help you productively explain this to H.

So sorry you're feeling badly, your sitch is truly brutal.

Accuray

So sorry, SB. He really is a piece of work. I think your daughter responded well.

Don't look at everything as an indicator of whether he will or won't come back.

I'm so impressed that you've finished your shopping. I haven't begun.

I did do some thinking today and realize that I probably over reacted in my own head about what H said. I guess its just easy for me to think that everything he says now is a negative towards me. I think I was sad that he was so uncomfortable just standing in the foyer of his home (that is not his anymore???) so weird! I also think that because I dont see him anymore, that when I do (maybe once a month) that it still brings up memories and feelings for me so I was sad when he texted D14 that stuff.

Yes, I do think that he continues to be inappropriate with D in the sense that he talks and texts to her like a friend. Its so strange that he thought he needed to tell her those feelings, like he had no one else to tell. I plan on talking to my IC this week about it again for suggestions on what to do. I also do think family counseling is a must in the New Year. My D's are very against it right now..dont want to have counseling with dad or with all of us, but it may be something that has to happen so these things can be brought up.

Adinva...I agree that I need to stop looking at everything as an indicator of H coming back...thanks for bringing that to my attention!!

Just a small update of the continuing weirdness of H....I received a text last night at 12:45am out of the blue. (I was in bed reading) and the text said:

H: Dont you have a boyfriend?
ME: What???
H: I thought you did
Me: Did you mean to text me? Random???

I didnt hear anymore from him and nothing all day today. Thought this was the most random text ever...in the middle of the night..asking that..from him??? My thoughts are:
1. He was out drinking and wrote this
2. Someone else wrote this from his phone (very unlikely)
3. He didnt mean to text me, but maybe someone else???

I just let it go and had a really nice day today at a nephews bday party with my girls! We bowled and I laughed a lot. Quite frankly, didnt think of H at all while we were gone except when D14 came up to tell me that he had texted her that he is burnt out with work and wants to quit! (he did put a winky face..so obviously kidding about quitting) and he said that he doesnt like his new part time job! Well...imagine that....he has worked it for only a week now and is already realizing that its gonna suck having to have the responsibility of 2 jobs and how much stress it will be. All so he can get his own place and be on his own. I wondered if it would hit him one day but NEVER thought it would be this soon...

OF course, weird again that he texts D this stuff. I just told her to let it go and have a good time...that she didn't need to worry about that right now. I never mentioned H again and on the way home she said to me "mom, I just don't get why dad tells me his problems...he is always complaining" and I just told her that maybe she needs to say that to him next time and let him know that she loves him, but doesn't want to know about every detail of his life.

SB

So last night H dropped the Mexico bomb on me. I already knew he was going...(or trying to go...) but he texted me and just said that he "needed to let me know he was going to Mexico from 12/28 to 1/3) I just responded, a bit later, "sounds fun" and left it at that. I am extremely bitter over this, being that Im pregnant and home taking care of EVERYTHING and he can plan a leisurely trip. I wanted to text back and ask if he was taking OW, but I refrained...but this is consuming my mind.

I am very angry this morning and having a hard time...should I ask anymore questions or just let it go?? I will have anxiety until this trip is over and I hate that he can still do this to me. I will say, this answered the questions of whether he will be involved in my last sonogram...I cannot have a man there who really could care less about anyone but himself. I would much rather go alone. In fact, Im off to an appt this morning, alone...getting used to it.

I just really cannot believe that he thinks that telling me (before Christmas)he is heading to Mexico was the right thing to do:( It really opened my eyes to the fact that he doesnt give a Sh*t about me, the kids or the baby...when will I finally see that?

I just needed to write here this morning instead of texting him my angry thoughts, that Im not even writing here....

SB- I know what I am going to say is going to seem impossible, but you have to let it go. Don't ask him a thing about it. Take it at face value, even though your gut tells you its more than that.

If you ask, he will get defensive. You will get more hurt. Don't focus on the hurt. It will get you no where but into more hurt.

These are his decisions and from what I have learned there is nothing that can be said that will change things RIGHT NOW. He has to go through it. And he cannot see or face the damage he is causing in his wake right now.

I would think that your H is a lot more confused and torn about the way things are right now and even his decisions. He is trying to find something. Right now, he is looking externally for what he is looking for. He needs to go through this so that he can hopefully, and eventfully realize that he needs to start looking within.

I think of you often and hope you can keep the focus on YOU.

I know this is hard. My H is currently on holiday with his OW too....

lots of love (((((( )))))

Sweetbriar,

This is the place to write those angry thoughts, so let it out. And in your sitch I wouldn't fault you for letting him have it. Although I wouldn't have even replied to the text at all. Sometimes saying nothing sends a better message.

I watched my SIL go through something similar to you but without the baby. She held everything in and she still let's him get to her. He has done the same things, like Mexico trips, while telling her he didn't have money to support his own children. It has been a few years for her. She moved on rather quickly and I don't think she has really dealt with what went wrong and is finding herself having R issues again.

I think it is great that are here, that we are all here to learn from this. Just remember you only can control yourself.