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May have done something non DBing earlier. My w has her Christmas party tonight and when I picked up the kids I told her that I liked her shirt and that her hair looked nice.

Those are things I have been trying to do when she seems receptive which has been a lot lately.

So I thought maybe I would flirt a little and told her that if I didn't have plans with the kids I would love to go with her, thanks for asking, but maybe next time. Even though she didn't ask. Trying to add a little humor in our interactions. And I did get a smile.

Her response was that it woud be weird going with me since we are getting a divorce. This was the first mention of d in a few weeks.

This is where I should have shut my mouth, but I told her I couldn't let go of our family. Her reply is that we will always be a family. I said that it doesn't work that way for me. And that was the end of that conversation.

The strange part about it, is this whole conversation took place while she was holding my hand trying to get a sliver out of my finger. Which she didn't ask to help when see saw me working on it. She just grabbed my hand and started to help. First physical touch she has initiated in, well since I don't remember.

I feel like we are getting closer lately and it has me feeling down. That is the part I don't understand.

I've gotten the same remark from my stbx:

"We will always be a family. Just a different sort of family."

It doesn't work for me either.

And how does it fit with another comment like:
"It's just too painful for me to be around you and the kids".

We are a different sort of family all right, one that is never able to be together. One that is 'family' in the abstract, only. (Anger popping through here!)

Try not to feel down.... this is stuff they all say. It can change.



Seems to be part of the script.

I guess my comment earlier to wife could have been worse. I could have said I can't let you go.

I know the focus should not be on my w, but there is something that is nagging me.

How can someone willingly give up part of their children? Right now it is just time they are giving up. But if we don't R, at some point there will be another female motherly influence.

Eyesopen...I think the same thing about my H. I wonder all the time how he can just give up every bit of the relationship he had with his girls...they were inseperable and now, they want next to nothing to do with him and he doesnt even care.

I think also, that right now he doesnt see it, but not only do I have 2 girls who miss their dad, but a baby boy on the way who will hardly know his dad. I also have the thought that one day, there could be another man in the picture who is a father figure...not so much to my girls, since they are older, but to my son.

I just dont think that they even consider that stuff or think that far ahead...

First of all Sweetbriar, I think you are amazing for doing this while you are pregnant. My hat is off to you.

Secondly, I wonder if it is things like this that one day causes the regret in them. I know that someday I will move on with or with out my w. Just as you have thought about.

I just hope that their regret coincides with us being ready for that new R. And really what we are trying to do by making ourselves better people, we are also trying to create that regret in them.

Question for everyone...I am going to be painting both my children's bedrooms. My wife is very good with colors and decorating in general, should I ask her for her input?

Would it possibly make her feel involved in my home/life? Just looking for ways to show her I value her opinions.

I'm kind of torn on that.

On one hand, it's an opportunity to be strong around her and show her the great person you are.

On the other hand, not doing it with her shows her that you are a strong independent individual and that you're not hinging on her decisions.

A little journaling...This morning when w came over for the kids I mention that on Wednesday I woudn't be home til around 5 and that I had child care lined up for the couple hours that I won't there. Told her it was my X-mas party for work. She gave me a quick reply of "thanks for inviting me." It was said with a nice smile. A little play on our exchange from yesterday.

Sometimes I feel like I am grasping at straws, but as my coach said last night, these are positive interactions. So I need to keep reminding myself to stay on this path, things are changing.

Also I have found that when I am feeling down, or letting my thoughts drift to her, I say a mental f@#k her. Not meant meanly, more like a whatever. Don't worry about it. Focus on you. Some people envision a stop sign, since I don't swear a lot, that word seems to carry more weight.

I thought I would do some reflecting tonight. Thought I would start with my 180's which have basically come from me reflecting on our past R, as my w hasn't spewed any venom on me about my faults.

1. Be thankful

I think I have done a very good job with this, although there are times though that I do find myself thinking, I forgot to say thank you. So I still have steps to be made so that it is second nature. It started out with me focusing just trying to say thank you to my w, but has progressed, as it should, with everyone on that I come across that deserves a thank you.

2. Be supportive

This one is a little more difficult. How do you support a spouse that has left and split up their family? Also when interactions are mainly about the kids it doesn't lend to supporting behaivors. Recently things have warmed up a touch and I was able to some some support here and there. Hopefully I will have some more oppurtunities in the future.

3. Speak words of affirmation

Another one that is difficult with a WAW, so I have been trying to do this with everyone. So if I do get another chance it will be second nature. If I don't get another chance, the next person I have a R with will be required to take the quiz as soon as I feel our R may be going somewhere. That way I will be able to practice that one, before the initial high of the new R wears off.

4. Attend church

I didn't realize this was a 180 for me until after I decided to start going. So far I have missed one Sunday in 6 weeks. I had the flu, sorry God. It has been a wonderful experience and by far the easiest one to be consistent with. I have enjoyed every service and it has lightened the load so to speak.

5. GAL

This is the one I really need to focus on more. I do have my children 4-5 nights a week. I have been consistently rock climbing one night a week with friends. I have a hard time giving up any time with the kids. I have a couple home projects that I need to finish and use that time to get out more.

6. Listen

Along with GAL I feel I have fallen short here. I am a better listener than I was pre BD, but I do find myself interupting people that I am talking to. I do catch myself, but it is a lot of "I'm sorry, please finish what you were saying." Need to work on it. Funny thing is I just realized that my children are the perfect practice partners. They talk non stop. Thanks kids.

All in all I think I have done a pretty good job with 180's and having them become more of who I am. I don't think they are second nature yet, but I won't stop until they are.

Sometimes I feel like I have been stuck in LRT forever. As of right know I will stick with it, since our R has warmed a bit, and there have been some small baby steps.

Still working on detaching, and working towards letting go. This is still a difficult thing for me to wrap my head around. A big part of me thinks I need to let go before I will see w moving towards me with more larger steps. I do believe I will get another chance, so it is strange to think that I need to be at a place where I could say no without having doubts. Maybe that chance is only that in the end it will be my decision wether we R our not. Either way it isn't important right now, someday yes, right now what is important are my children, and making my 180's part of me.

I also need to start reading R books, and personal growth books again. I got pretty burnt out during the aftershock of BD. I was constantly reading, mostly on the internet, and a few books that I haven't read much of anything lately. Except for this website.

So there it is, not perfect but without this site I would still be the dog chasing its tail.

Just got a call from w about the d. She said she was going to wait to file, something about taxes. She also wanted to talk to someone about how we are splitting the equity in the house as she doesn't think it is fair. I asked if she would pay half the closing costs because I will have to refinance. She said no she didn't think it was fair.

I just said maybe you should ask about that as well as the equity. That was pretty much the end.

A short time later I received a text saying she will cover half the closing costs, followed by "I didn't mean to upset you, sorry".

At no time did I get upset. I find it ironic that in the beginning I was the one apologizing for everything. I haven't done anything in awhile that would merit a apology. Now I get one out of her for something that didn't happen.