Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Midlife Crisis first time - need help still

oh geeee - you sound like me - land of the living dead here too. funny kind of day- didn't mope- or cry or anything drastic- plugged away- but feeling rather pointless and certainly not "cheery" in the background of my mind.

it is such a drag- and i agree with you and takeshervows - my feelings have changed - alot. i can hardly say i love him- i don't think i can at this moment. up til bomb- i could love without a moment's thought- thru & thru - now i'm all scabbed up heart and covering up like crazy. i cannot imagine feeling for him what i once did. i'd say he assumes i still love him- i don't even like him.

"something" - still has a hold on me- but then i have a pair of shoes from 1972 with happy italy memories attached. i'm a person who is sentimental to point of insanity and does have trouble "letting go" across the board.

he called to day- twice - all pleasant and chatty. i'd say guilt and he's gonna see ow. I contained myself- i was pleasant but rushed off the phone kind of. i don't know- i just have nothing to "share" in conversation with him sometimes - it's icky. i wonder why he bothers???.

will continue later- walk waiting & neice needs help with report- all of a sudden-

Nero - I'm a little better. I cried over my tree D18 and friend from Vegas put up. He left, but I miss the kid already, he's was sad to go, wished we had moved there already so they could go to school together. Me, I just wish I was not here, I do miss it there and the people I met, and hiking!

Sometimes I just feel better after I let myself feel!

I don't look forward to Christmas, no parents, no H or loved one to sit under the tree on the Eve as traditionally done, and grown kids who are into there GF's as they should be.

We are not exchanging gifts, we just seem to be going through the days because nothing can stop them from coming.

I find if I hold on to the fact that I "don't like him anymore" it's easier to not think to much, just keep saying, what does it matter, I don't like him, so whatever! LOL! any ole stupid thing you can say to not get all worked up!

I can get through most days reminding myself of this....it weakens his actions!

Sorry you're having a bad day Dawn. I know how that feels!

It is hard to try to sort out our feelings for our H's, isn't it? I find myself with many negative and positive emotions for him all at the same time. One big tornado of emotions, spinning around and around.

What calms me lately is to really make an effort to look at him objectively. He is royally f-ing up his life in every way, yet totally oblivious to it. Man, would it svck to be him! I think this everyday.

And yes, they have brought their big MLC fist down on our lives, smashing them to bits. But, our R with them is just 1 part of our life. Quite honestly, I'm very happy with my life... Except for the alien pod person I'm living with!

Nero, I do wonder what he thinks I think. I feel like he tries to hide his secrets because there is that guilt and shame of what he is doing. If OW is so great, then why doesn't he leave me to be with her? Hey, make the R official! Truly, he uses both of us.

It is hard when the rose colored glasses come off and we see our spouse, and ourselves, in a not so flattering light.

I guess where I'm at now is that I feel that I do still love him, but have lost so much respect for him. Plus, I don't trust him in any way.

He's a mess. He even says he is!

Just remember ladies, it's much better to be us than them

Good later in the morning - I am better today, thanks TVS and Nero, it was nice not to freak out alone.

My wish is that everyone reading has a good day and please lets all remember we deserve better, so lets GAL!

Nero- the strength is all yours, I'm just trying to remind you that it's in there. I can only pray that my words are of some comfort to others, it does help heal me as well.

You have a party tonight, awesome! I went to the Nutcracker w/D18, and my S25's GF, it was a nice night, even though I have seen it like 9x because my guys are the stage techs, so free tickets.

I treated for dinner were we ordered Thai food family style, so good, and no H w/his Mr. Grinch attitude toward the holiday's. See, I did it, I could do more w/out H if I just keep moving forward.

I hope your party is so fun, and you see that you can do it also. I remember how Christmas was never his thing, I would love have what my BF and I had soo many yrs ago, now that was a romantic Eve under the tree

OMG takevow-



me too! BUT - i don't know - without the rose colored glasses - maybe i don't have one thing that is real. not one...

if the man is "fake" - what the heck is the r? or my feelings for him (?) or it, etc. see what i mean? if the entire thing is based on an in-authentic person- who exactly was i in love with- ??? did he even EVER exist??? or the 35 yr "dream sequence" in a b movie????


so, how the heck does one LOVE someone like this/that? i'm askin ya. at some point i was saying i still felt "love" - now i don't even know. (i feel kinda sick to say that out loud ). how sad is that?

when i have a moment of (db type) clarity and buy into the whole "he's in pain- confused- not himself/nuts" thing- i can stomach it and proceed.

THEN - intellectual reality hits - and i ask myself what sort of man i "WILL HAVE" in the end, if he comes thru this to some "other side" and is still even in my life- or realizes that we should have a r - the fact remains that if he's always been a lying person- whether i've known or not- that is what he is.

the sort of person i'd never ever have gotten to know or involved with in the first place. clash of worlds here - - -

and what the heck does a person do with that knowledge ???

so- not enough sleep last nite- canyou tell??? oh well- another of life's big questions for which there is NO RIGHT OR WRONG answer. i hate that about real life- the lack of a clear road. maybe that's the big plus of religion - or total self-righteousness - YOU always KNOW the answer and blam thru life accordingly. this is rite- this is wrong- you're all goin down...

i'd like to capture one little bit of that feeling- total certainty please...

thanks for thoughts- i guess we bumble thru- with all our unsolved puzzle peices and wait for the day something "fits" together. is that all there is???

i keep writing and erasing- i'm so exhausted of trying to say whatever it is (i don't really know) i think i'll just go away- eat a cookie or two and clean this awful house once and for all. need to visit my mom too - (duty-guilt-whatever)

thanks for input- it's the hardest "journey" i'm ever likely to make- wish me lots of luck with not picking up this phone today- treading on very very dangerous ground and know it-

maybe i'll hang a stfu sign on the phones- yup- that's what i'm going to do- knowing he saw her this weekend because of his silence - i just walk by THE PHONE cursing him out anyway-

tra la- i'm SOOOOO MATURE HUH???

hey hi-



I KNOW- ME TOO. man, i'm glad there's another total romantic sap out there - JUST LIKE ME -thinking the exact same thing. isn't it creepy that these jerks that were sooooo reclusive and managed to turn normal ole us into gals with this quiet life that revolved around them- and it was always quite okay with me- like you -

BUT - now they're the guys with secret lives and people that they want to get out to - and here'S YOU & me with no particular social lives (their doing) - that fill in the blanks for us. what little rats they are -

not that i could find some stupid affair rite now anything that would fix anything - BUT I'M sure if we did have some giant other life out there - (that we'd been cultivating or working on) - we might not be so blue for the guy we thought we knew & loved.

i'm in my usual sleep-deprived quandry this a.m. sos...

nothing constructive to say- so i'm going to go eat some cookies (drown my sorrow here) and GULP - CLEAN THIS ratty house - put on makeup- and get busy. only one day to get thru without blowing up- talking- picking up the phone or "going there" - can i do it?


will report on that - the next exciting installment of As the stomach turns -

wish me luck-

oh yeah- party was very nice- lots of nice people and great food. i was glad i went- it was a festive thing and better than sitting home- ta da-

so- do i have a life yet? i might- but it sure aint as good yet as what i think i've lost - oh well...


stfu nero- JUST DO IT.....

Hi Nero - For the yrs leading up to this and even at times now still, I am a little afraid of a social life. THat's crazy, I know! But then, it felt like I would be sending him the message that I will just live without you if your going to be such a dud.

Now, I sometimes feel like I am showing him I don't need him or I'm moving on. I don't care if he thinks that though as long as it is for him to take a look at himself, not to chuck it all and say oh well.

But, I am only hurting myself, not that the door is being knocked down from friends.

I don't like being alone either, only child, but you sure do seem to keep busy. Tomorrow I'm going to get out to the mall and pick up some jewelry I pre ordered for myself, and get some idea's for dinner. Not real exciting!

Check out my movie suggestion! I love movies and popcorn! Even by myself!

hey hi-

you know, i've wondered myself about this. particularly because h is such a quirky kinda guy. i find it hard to believe the rules (necessarily) apply. one can only wonder. your h sounds a whole lotlike him. not the depression-b ut alot other things.

i don't know what the heck he thinks - since he never says anything. if i had to guess- my h would like nothing better than for me to have a lover and lots of social activity so he could go about his way in perfect self-righteousness. i've never made any bones about the fact that i am not & am not looking and it's pretty much the last thing on my "to do"list rite now. he may as well get used to the fact that he is the treasonous one- defector- you dirty rat...

i never pledged to be a nun if i walk out of this life- but i'm not giving him one bit of justification. and i hate the thought of just handing him over - handing my life over - to that cow - HE CAN man up and be the bad guy if that's what's his ultimate goal. he can just squrim under his own guilt- his choice. (yeah - tough aren't I - when i'm not blubbing - i'm being all butch. cripes- i'm such a pitiful mess- thank goodness no body can even seee me - woo hoo.

the party was okay- i wasn't totally dying to go. i was invited and thought, don't be a slug- go. do something rathr than sit around house and stew. so i went.

i like people & don't have much trouble mingling. - it was couples tho, and that made me feel kinda bad- just seeing all these guys all very very dug in with each other- all married for like 20-30 years- they were cute- but of course it made me jealous. oh well- what can you do but feel it - rite??

i'd probably croak if i a=didn't walk at nite with this gal across the way. it's been a life-saver really- like this forum.

not just for me to whine my head off ( i try not to) just to go chat about every other thing in the world and not be so immersed in my own stupid life.

my h doesn't even know about the party- he hasn't called since fri and is probably with ow. i hate him btw- did i say that yet today???

i guess i don't have much to say- it was such a dreary rainy day and they kept having news on about the kids that were shot and of course i blubbereed alot today- for them, for me- for everyone. I've always liked christmas alot- it just makes me blue lately- oh well. miss those who are gone kind of blue- and my sitch doesn't help that a bit.

oh well -i'll survive it i'm sure- as usual- and hope 2013 is a much better year.

i'm gong to go have a treat (2 sleeping pills - they're very mild) and enjoy a good nite sleep for a change.

hope your evening is okay- about being afraid of a social life (i think your feelings are entirely normal) - i don't look forward to even thinkng of dating. i don't remember the fun with anyone othr than h and cannot imagine ever feeling this way bout someone else.

i've thought of it giving him reason to chuck it all-

BUT - my buddy ray- who apparently knows?? - says don't worry- love will find you.

it's a nice thought- i'm going with it. it' makes me feel nice- to think it.

i'm outt ahere- wet from walking- chillie and tired. good nite

xxo

It's ok! You went there and you have to let yourself off the hook. We all reach this point, you loved him and if you didn't react this way then maybe you never did.

Your the one with feelings and emotions, don't apologize for that. It's his issue when he needs you to comply to his crazy request to be carefree with his life. You had h to yourself, he changed the game, broke the rules, you get to hate it.

I stopped reading midway and couldn't help but yell out "she's there" there being at the point where your not afraid of the outcome as much because you don't know how much you want him back or even L him anymore.

It gives you guts, guts to speak your mind a little more, guts to challenge H to talk, explain, express something damit! It feels hurtful afterward but as time goes on it starts to feel empowering, knowing that it is really making you stronger, and helping you untwine yourself from him, not sitting back only watching him untwine from you.You believe it's all or nothing there for it is! Simple as that, it is your life and your opinion that counts! He knew this and made the change, you don't have to except it, simple as that. I don't think you said anything wrong here, you are taking a stand, good for you!

The one thing I would like to suggest is don't bring up the past anymore, accept what he told you it was good and have your good memories. If you ask again he may start to rewrite it and give you answers that will crush you!

Your getting the spew of how he doesn't want to loss you, I really think they mean it when they say that. Now you know he's not trying to be "with" ow as a partner, they have nothing intwining them (house, accounts) it is superficial and for now. After all these yrs of knowing the biotch he is only at this point and he is holding on to you, sounds like he doesn't know jack sh!t about what he wants.

This is were it is so important to know and learn what you want. This is were I'm at because even though H is here, not having an PA, it still makes me face a man that is not the man I loved. I have love for him, but I can't live on that alone.

I hope you get some vets to chime in here because I am asking some of the same questions you are. I would not bring things up for a while again, be that pleasant person when he comes home, you, don't reach, just be yourself.

You want to start really thinking about what boundaries you are going to implement, you really need to do this much, step back from him as an H and see if you can just get along while he's there as people. No R talk, thoughts, actions, just two people, to see if that connection is still there at least.

I would go as far as friendly contact as a greeting if that's what you do, and nothing else. Don't treat him like a leper though, just don’t be on guard. Do the same things you did when you first met him and were just getting to know him.

quote:"Perspective changes our attitude. Changing our attitude breathes hope into us. Hope. Like sunshine, it only breaks through to us when we remove the clouds of self-pity". Sit quietly and having answers come to you?

Especially while he's there at least for the holiday's. I like that you said can you talk, this would be good if you guys can go somewhere not home, and speak with out attack or words in mouth, and get to the reality of the sitch. You need to let him know that you not ok with any of this, nicely, and he is going to have to figure out some things for himself.

Then you have to know what you want...yea I don't know that either! I don't want this boring H, broken, and lost. Yours may not be broken (at least outwardly) but he is lost. He will be old one day, have to slow down, that will require one L, and one commitment, one house, and you will not be his fallback!

Are you on his hospital ''to call'', are you his beneficiary, how entwined financially are you, these things all matter. He is not seeing the reality to any of this. They don't for a long time.

You did fine...no regrets! (((((((nero)))))))) stay strong and read some good things here!