Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Midlife Crisis Looked the Gift Horse in the Mouth

Your situation is going to get real interesting because I don't think he's taking you seriously. I think he thinks you are just upset. Just remember, actions speak louder than words.

After H had a bit to think about what I said, he seemed to not like it. Came upstairs and told me I needed to be careful because I was "pushing him out".

I told him that my decision was not about him but rather about me. That he cannot have both of us.

He said the "best" thing for me to do was to continue as we had been, that that was what was keeping him here.

I said again that he had broken the marriage and that as long as ow was in the picture I could not be his "wife".

He told me he "could get nasty" if that was what I wanted.

I did share my dinner with him last night. Thinking maybe I'd better go slowly on the stopping here?

But at bed time he demanded I come close to cuddle and I refused. There was some back and forth about this. He said that I was foolish to not give him "something to hold onto and keep him here".

I managed to maintain calm in each sitch/discussion. But his reaction - is this normal? There is no avoidance tho he insists my decision will "make him more distant" from me.

IDK if what has become my "script" is good or not. I say, calmly, "You can't have both of us."

He says "But I don't have either of you!"

I feel I am justified in setting this boundary/consequence but he is determined to cake eat. Is this normal for MLC? Should I consider that while MLC is a big factor in his personality that there may be another strong and damaging trait too? IDK what exactly... Or is he just a slightly atypical MLCer?

I also rather expect that he will be trying different sorts of "acting out", trying to get "his way"... this is going to be so hard

I'm sorry he's starting to play a bit of hard ball w/you. He did have some time to think about things and came to realize that you meant business. Mlcers are like children. When they are told that they can't have something, they will do their best to get what they want. Your h is doing the same thing.

In a way, he is using veiled threats towards you. I, personally, wouldn't like that. My xh did that and he got what he asked for...cage door openned and I shoved him out.

Continue to set your boundaries. He can't have both of you. He needs to either cut the ow loose altogether and focus on his issues and try to work on the marriage w/you or he needs to go. Cake eating isn't going to help the your situation and it will create a lot of stress for you.

Unless I am totally off base here, he's going to pull out the stops and try everything he can to get your attention, whether it is good or bad behavior. When he doesn't get his way, the veiled threats will come out. When they do, react in a calm manner because mlcers can get ugly and mean very quickly once they've been found out.

I hope today is a good day for you.

Thanks Snodderly.

I can see "mean and ugly" on the horizon. So far its not advancing too quickly.

I realized that what I want, actually don't want, is anything FROM him.

I don't mind the cooking/cleaning. Can't STAND the idea of him being affectionate to me.

I have a sense he's waiting for me to "get over it". So has not brought out the heavy machinery yet.

Thanks again for your attention.

I hope your day is good as well.

Thank you too to all who have posted their good wishes to me. It really means a lot to know there are people who care and are in my corner.

With H home and me working now, I have limited time to be on DB.

The most important thing is to take care of yourself. You do what you think is right for you. We will be here to assist in any way and we are behind you.

My thoughts and prayers are with you too mrs.

Hope you have a good day.

Miz,

I did not get a chance to look in on you over the weekend. It sounds like it was a busy one.

I applaud your strength and discipline to figure out what it is that is best for you. Of course he is going to threaten. His power over you is fading. What he believed to be solid ground is shaking.

Whatever you decide is the best thing to do, we are here for you.

When my W's "extra-curricular activities" were discovered, it took about 4-6 weeks for the alien venom spewing monster to burst forth. I hope in your case it doesn't. From what you wrote of H's responses, I agree with you that he is thinking it'll all just somehow go away. Your actions are going to say MUCH more than any words. If I could go back in time I would have chosen my actions differently, and skipped the whole words thing altogether. Buckle your seat belt, but you know, I think you'll do just fine.



T^2

Mrs,

Well, that didn't go the way that I expected either.

You stood strong and that is a good thing.

I want you to seriously think about your thoughts about the children. It isn't always the best thing for them to watch you being mistreated, allowing yourself to become a martyr for them.

do your best not to let him push your buttons, because he will try.

HI all!!

What's better than checking into DB and finding a whole bunch of friendly notes?!?! (Of course, other than not needing to be here at all that is... )

So far so good today.

H hasn't had much to say, although hasn't had much opportunity either because I had to go to work today. He did go for a hug in the kitchen (NOT a typical H move, would have had me floating on air a week ago) this morning and when I backed up and shook my head he said "What's wrong now?"

"Nothing new", I said.

This makes me think he's still expecting my new attitude to blow over. I wonder how long he plans to wait... he's not patient by nature.

Work was better today. Largely because my trainer was absent!!
(Nice enough girl. HORRIBLE trainer.)

One of the managers said, and I quote, "Sunshine! You are doing a great job!"

Hah! I'm going to try to live up to that nickname.

And, drum roll please, I have an appointment for an educational/grant/scholarship/how-in-the-blue-blazes-you-go-back-to-school meeting next week. Right now I think I want to pursue Education/Reading Specialist but I'm flexible and if there's another avenue that costs less I may go thata way.

So! Thank you again one and all for checking in with me