Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Midlife Crisis Looked the Gift Horse in the Mouth

M, first of all let me say you have some of the best of the best posting to you - Cat, Snodderly and AJM.

Secondly, you did not offend me in any way. We are all on here to help each other.

I want to tell you that how you are feeling and what you are thinking are all part of this process. As we begin to look inward, take the rose colored glasses off in some cases and become honest with ourselves, very often we see our marriages more clearly.

The real thing I wanted you to see is that the most important things are to change your mindset and detach.

When you begin to accept that you and only you are in control of your life, it is freeing.

You can take the time to really figure out what your future might look like.

That is all that I meant with my other post. Take back your power. Let him blow in the wind.

I understand the money situation all too well. But I didnt let it stop me from visualizing what might like could be.

So, he is going to do what he is going to do. We are more interested in you.

Yoru children are mostly grown. They are becoming independent.

And maybe at the end of all this, you will decide that you dont want to be with your h anymore. And that's ok.

I just think that while you're sorting all that stuff out, it's best to just let it lie until you know exactly how you feel.

So, make a bucket list. Start with really small things. It could be anything from something you want to change about you to going through a room in the house and getting rid of stuff you dont really want.

Let us get to know who M is. I already see a wicked sense of humor.

Yes, I wholeheartedly agree I am most fortunate (You aren't so bad yourself you know...)



Whew!

And as to the rest of your post.

Changing my mindset....

This one makes me go "hmmmm" 'cause I'm not entirely sure what my mindset IS so I'm doubly not sure how to change it.

Detach

I think I'm pretty much there? I just have a HUGE problem with the infidelity thing IF we are supposed to go along pretending to be married. I can take most of the other garbage, but not that. This is where I must exercise the "control" you alluded to. If H is in my house and in my bed then I will not tolerate his straying.

Visualization & my future etc.

This is another stumper for me. I've never known what I want to "be". I run the gamut from earth mother to tough talkin' bombshell broad. Think "Platinum blond in Earth Shoes"

Children getting independent...

All except my eldest. H has always been anti counseling and its too bad because S19 should have had it from the age of 5. He has serious anxiety issues and moderate social issues.
Hopefully he's just a really slow bloomer... but I can see him being the "live at home until he's 40" guy.
But who knows, he could surprise me!

Bucket List...

Getting rid of stuff I don't really want... ha ha, that's probably NOT what you meant...

I've been making baby steps in this direction. I have cleared out a lot of "stuff" and there's a lot more to go. Don't know if I ever told the board about this house. Funny story.

About 4 years ago H's job was diminishing. We lived in VA and knew we couldn't stay where we were with the cost of living in that area. Coincidentally, an old friend of mine from the town I "grew up in" contacted me. I read the letters to H, he thought they sounded idyllic.... we came up for a look-see.

Found a house we could pay cash for BECAUSE IT WAS TOTALED from a flood. HAD NO FLOOR. Had only 2 bedrooms, 1 bath. Keep in mind we are a family of 6. Well H has BRILLIANT IDEA that he will enlarge it ALL BY HIMSELF. Draws up plans for a 5 bedroom, 5 bathroom house (I forget the square footage).

Now, I don't think this is a terrific idea and I share my hesitations with the fam.

1. It means moving from a high school with 3000 students to a TOWN with 3000 residents!! (I lived there as a child so I grasp "small townism" and try to explain it to fam.)

2. House building is NOT H's field. Oh he's very handy, no doubt about it. But a whole house? By himself? I explain it will cost more and take longer than he expects. (He figures 12 weeks tops, until COMPLETELY FINISHED.)

Oh but the fam says I'm wrong. They LOVE the idea of a small town (H keeps thinking about Mayberry)

And pshaw, H says, what do you know about house building? Piece of cake.


SO. Nearly four years later,
the house still isn't finished.
Kids can't wait to "get out of here".

Wicked sense of humor....

nah, just wicked

H left yesterday to visit his parents. He sent me an email detailing his misery - how his parents are considering returning to England to die(ie abandoning H again) how his Mum seems more interested in pets than H, how H's surviving sisters are mean/crazy and then he finished with the paragraph below.

Thoughts? Please and thank you


And then we sit back an wonder what is wrong with me, why can't I love you, why can't I love anything, why is there no joy in my life. Everything I have ever loved has either abandoned me, died, left me, threw me under a bus, hurt me or just vanished. There has only been a few times in my life that I was smart enough to walk away from love before it died, so I still have that then don't I. Somewhere in my soul I still harbor the fact that I loved and I walked away still holding onto that love even if it was put in a box.

OMG! He's actually shared how he's felt/feeling w/you. No wonder he's in crisis and acting the way he has been. He's dealing w/abandonment issues and questioning himself and about love. He is definitely depressed and he's questioning himself about why he can't love....this is so sad, but good in a way because he is looking at his life in its entirety.

Did he ask you to comment?

We had been emailing light stuff back and forth - he was making up fake Confucius sayings lol (knowing my weakness of "Is that REAL? Let me check that out... ) So I think he was open to a response. His next line was this

Why am I torturing myself and telling you what is on my mind. I am sure you will take this all wrong.

I responded with this

It often helps to share feelings with somebody. I only wish you also had somebody trained in counseling to tell, someone who can better help you.

He's been partially open to finding some type of a counselor but hasn't yet found a good fit for him. I did also make other responses along the lines of "I am sorry this is happening to you" I kept myself out of it. But then, he kept me out of it too, so that was easier.

Your response was excellent. Even though you response was what he needed to hear.

I hope you have a good day!

Thanks Snodderly. I hope your day is excellent!

I am most curious as to todays emailings (if any).

H has communicated w/me that way before - sometimes seems to prefer it.

Emailing is an impersonal way of communicating versus orally or in person. It's a way that he doesn't have to hear any tinge of disappointment or anger in voices or the expressions on people's faces. Sometimes they can open up and share more of themselves when they write. This may be a way to actually communicate better w/him.

I have a feeling that he's not use to sitting down and sharing his inner most thoughts w/people. Am I wrong on this?

Your crystal ball is working well. Here is this morning's response.

I have no comment. I am just filled with all kinds of pain and for the most part I can put it aside. It has it's own little compartment where it belongs and I should never open the lid.

They do tend to compartmentalize areas of their lives. He doesn't realize it, but the lid has already been openned up for him. He's got to feel the pain and deal w/those childhood issues. Boy, he's been fighting it for quite a while. The talk of his parents moving has set him off on a tangent this morning.

Keep validating...you are starting to hear some of his inner most thoughts and the pain is terrible for him.