Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers He's Just Not That Into You - The Sequel

Honestly, I think this is the right approach. Let him work thru things his own way and work together in MC as you can.

Try not to take offense to him not wanting to do it "your way." He has to travel his own path and until he actually reaches out to you for help, you can't really participate.

RegretfulLA - Your husbands comments struck a chord with me because I understand where he is coming from because much of what he said has come out of my own IC sessions years ago.


Sounds like his LL is Words of Affirmation and it sounds like that one is difficult for you to convey since you didn't grow up with that. Maybe a 180 you can slowly start doing is showing encouragement (tell him he looks good, thank him more often, etc...). Sounds like nothing but my W has just recently started saying thanks to me for doing things I've always done and it has helped me keep on the DB track. I can't imagine what I'll do if she comments on how I'm looking now (others have started to but not the same).


Another one for me, I have insecurity issues (not necessarily with women but in general trusting people and thinking I'm good enough) and my wife is a perfectionist. Those 2 things don't usually work well together and it wore me down. I used to have her on a pedestal and was stupidly one of reasons I was mean in past. I was subconsciously trying to beat her down to get her to my level. Not sure if that makes sense but it was a crappy way to live and treat her. I was longing to get words of affirmation for the things I did to bring me up and when I didn't get them I ended up being nasty and tried to bring her down. She could do 9 good things and 1 bad thing and I would only discuss the bad thing.

I just finished 5LL book and have learned it's very difficult for any emotional intimacy if your love tanks are empty.

It's tough, but I think you are beginning to walk the right path. You're right you are probably not being "sorry" enough and I think the 5 Apologies is an excellent post.

But that being said, I don't think your H can define (as he pretty much said) what sorry enough is. This is absolutely his path to walk. He will forgive you, or not. Or he will come to the realization that he needs to find a better way to deal with his own feelings about this in order to remain married to you. Do your 180 and find some way to begin to define yourself outside of Marriage. I know it is easier when separated (trust me lol), but what you are doing right now really isn't working for either of you, is it? Are you afraid if you start going out or do some activities he may think you are done? Then say "I am going out with Jane tonight to a movie". So he knows. Have Jane come by etc.

He has told you time and time again with his actions and words, that he is not ready. He is not ready to discuss your A's, address your A's or forgive your A's. You have to start living your life for you. Again, I so understand it is hard when you are in the same house. Oh yeah, for goodness sake (insert something stronger than goodness here) get rid of crappy MC-sheesh!

Thanks Breakdown, Spartan, Ruby--

What I need to go back to is classic DB and remember to be patient. I am very solution-oriented by nature so that makes it tough for me. I'm frustrated after years of not being heard. I'm frustrated that my H won't or can't seem to accept that he played a role in all of this.

Ruby, I do do a lot of GAL with my friends normally but have dialed it back lately in order to be around more. Back in Sept I went out to dinner with a girlfriend and from my H's reaction, you'd think I was going to a Chippendale's club wearing a micro mini and hooker boots. So I decided to just lay low on the GAL.

I'm thinking about going back to school to get into coaching. I've been hesitant due to finances and not feeling settled but this would be great GAL. Plus this month I have plenty going on with the holidays and parties and all that (3 parties next weekend). The problem is I look to my H for validation and appreciation, neither of which I really get from him, so I am going to have to learn to work around that, or work on not needing it.

I am one of those people who likes to be in a R and if we were to split I would probably seek one out quickly. I just hope that next time, if there is a next time, I give things a bit more thought before committing.

I understand the validation part (boy do I understand!!!) but see? You went out. You are NOT supposed to have fun or be happy...you are paying for sins and must be miserable. You have to decide if you want to live this way. You say that you like to be in an R, maybe you need to unpack that a bit further. What is it that you need?

It is interesting to me, because I don't necessarily need and R, I think H does though, and it would be valuable to see the other side. I would like an R, but don't necessarily need one, I am pretty comfortable alone.

The coaching thing sounds good...can you scrape up the money at all? You could GAL and it would be an "acceptable" activity..

So H can go to a concert with OW and you can't go have dinner with the same sex without criticism? And you let H's criticism control your behavior?

It's totally f-ed up, isn't it?

This is why I feel it's a no-win situation. Because he gets a different set of rules.

Right now, we are at dinner for my son's birthday. It's a pretty nice place so I dressed up. (the boys are on a walk. I'm not being rude!). I look hot and H is super annoyed about it. I am bound and determined to enjoy my lychee martini and to hell with what he thinks.

I've got a different set of rules as well and I'm starting to buck that system. I am also trying to really not care how po'd H may get. At least you are out as a family. D's birthday is in January. I'm curious as to how that will shake out.

I'm like ruby in wanting to understanding the R comment. I feel like H always needs an R and I will be replaced soon. He's always been with someone and has easily moved from one relationship to the next. H is only my second serious R. I would like to understan what H needs so that maybe I can work on that. I must have at one point, but don't know conciously what I did.

Well dinner went fine. H is very numb all of the time. He doesn't smile, he doesn't laugh, he doesn't engage. I think this is actually just with me. He's very lovey dovey/kissy kissy with the boys and I think he does it to piss me off (subconsciously - he would never admit that). We did somewhat share a dessert, but I doubt that means much.

He did tell me during this dinner that he's got a business trip to London at the end of January and he's thinking of going to Italy with his dad after (his dad owns property there and I guess they have to do some paperwork or something). Isn't that fab? H gets to go to Italy while I'm here with the boys. After I asked him how he planned to pay for that, I just said, "Have fun."

I think I did ok on being dim today, but then he let me know he was going to watch another episode of this show The Hour that we've been watching. I asked him if that was an invitation, so he rephrased to "I'm watching The Hour, would you like to join me?" We did watch that together. I suppose that is some progress.

I'm so angry at him though for refusing to budge that it's very hard to keep my cool, but I am really trying to do it for the sake of DB. If and when there comes a point when I'm past angry and just don't care anymore, then I know it's over. But, I'm still angry, there's emotion there so I guess I got some fight left in me. I don't know how to be patient and the lack of communication hurts because that's how things get in the darkest times between us.

Rubytuesday asked me why I feel I need to be in an R. Well, I've been in one for the last 20 years, and like Hopeful, this is my second significant R. I had a boyfriend for about 5 years before H, and when we broke up, H came along within a few months. The first BF was not a great R either and it went on way too long.

I suppose that I don't know how to be an adult on my own. Not that I'm not independent - I am. But I like to have someone around to share stuff with, and, as I said, I have this need for validation. The thing is, I think H is kind of dragging me down at this point - like an anchor - and I'm not getting any of my needs fulfilled with him. Going to try to focus on just "cutting him out" so that I can learn to live without him . Self fulfilling prophecy for him I guess.

I've been in a R for the last 34 years and after almost 2 years of S and a lot of work on me, I no longer feel that I NEED to be in a R.

My life will be good either way.

A lot of your posts (and I think I've said this before) are all about what your H is doing and isn't doing. He doesn't control your happiness and it sounds like you're the victim.

What are you doing? Take the focus off every little thing he does and create your life. If he joins in fine, if doesn't you'll be OK.

What are your fears? because I sense that, too.

Why are you angry? Is it fear?

When you accept that he gets a to make his decisions and live his life, things become much clearer.

Yes, it affects you but you have choices.

Yes, it's too bad but you have choices.

Right now it sounds from what you post that he's controlling you and you are complicit in that.

Learn to forgive yourself and move forward.