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Ok, I didn't realize that. I'm definitely much better at communicating in writing vs. verbally. H is the complete opposite.

I might be better off if I don't tell him about that part. It might remind him of a few long winded emails I sent him last year before I discovered DB.

Sbr, did you mean (on my thread) that you think you and me have a similar sitch right now? 'cause I think so too. I meant to say so on my other post but it's late and I'm tired and I forgot. It looked like they are very similar.

I wish my H would text me when drunk. Or maybe he does! Lol!!

Hi SBR,

I just caught up on your threads and I'm glad to see that things seems to be getting better. Nonetheless, you are keeping your head on and I think it's what makes the difference between people who make it and people who don't. In fact, throughout your sitch, I found you to be very level-headed. Mind you, you have been at this for over a year now, right?

It's nice that you guys still ML. It's not what I miss the most about my W being gone but it's the one thing that sometimes make me think about meeting other women. I know I wouldn't find a relationship but the physical aspect would be taken care of. I just know I couldn't live with myself if I did. Not now anyway.

You think your H is MLC? He sounds like it. I thought my W was but sometimes she's just too "with it". Mind you, at other times, she is confused and indecisive and she's definitely always tired and haggard looking. Even when she smiles, there always seems to be sadness in her eyes. But maybe that's just me.

I too have decided to stand. It hurts like hell sometimes but I just know that there is no other thing I can do right now.

Keep your spirit up. You are very strong and if anything, that might be what is attracting him back towards you.

Cheers,

Thanks Arsene.

Last night I went to my third session of Divorce Care and for the second week was the only one there. Each time there has been a different group leader and this week was a couple who'd been married for 15 years.

We watched the video and then the husband asked if I wanted to share any of my story. I told him a very abbreviated version and he said it didn't seem like H was done with me. He said that he didn't want to give me false hope, but that H hadn't had a lot of examples of what married life should be. He also said that I seemed very level headed and that he and his wife would pray for us.

I know that being level headed is a good thing, but I think that's one of the reasons that H is confused. He's looking for excitement and mystery. Sometimes I just get tired of being responsible and dependable.

Yes, we do ML, almost every time he visits, but he usually says that we shouldn't (always after he initiates it!) and finally I told him that he was an adult and it was his choice. I didn't want him to feel pressured into it and I understand that just because we've ML, that everything isn't perfect again.

I can't even imagine trying to start a new R with anyone else right now, so the best thing for me is to stand also.

Today was tough, because I found out that he took a pleasure trip out of town the weekend that he got his tattoo. I'm sure that his one female friend was with him, and I'm just upset because this was a place I'd wanted to go to and he never took me. It was three weeks ago, so it's not like it just happened, and we've been getting along since then, but it just hurt me to find out.

I've got a ton of school work today and have been blessed to get booked on all of the events I've applied for, so I'll be very busy for awhile. I also have a much needed happy hour event with friends tomorrow if I can get my projects done on time.

I shouldn't let the knowledge of his trip affect me so much, but I've been on edge for the past six hours or so that I've known.

Do you know for sure he's having an ongoing PA?

If so, how do you feel about still being part of his life?

I'm asking because it's been a bit of an issue with me. My W is in a relationship right now. she says it's ok since in her mind we're not married anymore. She doesn't see anything wrong with it.

When I found out (she told me about it), I told her I disagreed with it and I thought it was wrong, but that there was nothing I could do about it.

A lot of folks around here have been telling me I should set some personal boundaries as in "I will not be a part of your life as long as you are seeing someone else", but i just feel that it would backfire right now. Although I don't pursue her and we don't spend a lot of time together, we still have to meet as we have D8 to consider, and occasionally we do spend a bit of time together, either going to the pool with D8 or running errands for the house or D8.

I see what you mean about making yourself a bit more exciting. I guess that's where the 180s come in. I know I have always been the pillar in the relationship. Always reliable and no nonsense. Lately I've been trying to be more relaxed on things like finance, punctuality and tidiness. Strangely enough, now my W is actually the one who seems to worry about these things. Go figure!

Take care SweetB

Arsene, I know that he's had two girlfriends in the past year since we "broke up", but the last one ended in May. He met both of those girls each time right after I told him we couldn't ML if we were going to D. He thinks that since we're separated, it's ok for him to date, even though he's made no effort to file for D.

This girl, as far as I knew, was an EA. He thinks he's in love with her, but she just wanted to be friends. She's in her early 20s and works at Hooters, so I think she gets hit on a lot and has no need to settle down, especially if H is going to buy her stuff and take her out and she doesn't have to do anything for it.

But they shared a hotel for several nights and H got so drunk that he ended up with a tattoo, so it's very hard for me to imagine that nothing happened between them.

When we started ML again in May, I told him that I was fine with it as long as he wasn't involved with anyone and wasn't developing feelings for someone. Periodically, I would ask him, and he would say that he had friends, but wasn't dating anyone or trying to.

One of his complaints had been that we didn't ML enough, so for me it was a 180 to always be there when he wanted.

Right now I'm confused and not sure what to do. I'm planning to lie low until I figure it out.

I want a husband who works to better himself and our marriage, one who will fight to make things work between us. Right now, that's not what I have and I'm not sure if H can ever be that way again.

I did tell H last night that I didn't feel right about signing off that we had irreconcilable differences on the D papers, but I told him that if he'd go to Retrouvaille with me in about a month, I'd feel that I did all I could and would sign the papers. Yes, we are different people, but I think we could balance each other out.

I need to learn the communication skills that it teaches, and maybe it'll help us. If not, at least I won't wonder if there was anything else I could have done. He didn't want to go back in July, because he said we weren't a couple, but I told him that it is for couples that are divorcing, so maybe he'll agree.

My X wanted me to make things better for myself and our marriage as well. Too bad I didnt figure that out till after we were divorced. Im not giving up hope that we cant be together in the future. Im working on my issues. I will be the better option. I just hope he sees the changes.

I think you are doing very well in your sitch SBR. Although I do think you are too available for him. (look whos talking...)

Mrs. D, don't worry, you're not telling me anything I don't already know!

I'm usually good at not initiating contact and take at least an hour to respond to his hello texts, but I haven't learned not to answer the phone or tell him not to come over when he asks.

My instincts tell me that I need to be there for him, but I need to DB instead. I'll be very busy with work and school soon, so hopefully I can do better.

It's good to hear the perspective of a former WAS. So even if we do D, maybe he still might change his mind and want to work on things. Not sure if I could do that though. After someone breaks their marriage vow, I don't know if I could trust them not to do it a second time, so he'd really have to show me that he'd changed.

Tonight I have a girl's night happy hour, so that'll keep my mind off everything for a few hours.

I also did another 180 today and reached out to a friend who was upset over something and wanted someone to talk to. We aren't very close, but I told her to call me if she wanted to. We spoke for almost an hour and although I couldn't really help her, I think it made her feel better to know that I understood where she was coming from.

Time to stand up for yourself girl. Time to look happy, curvy and sexy. I was a pig liar and cheater when younger. I know what guys want....

They don't want a woman who is and looks depressed, needy and unattractive. But they don't want someone who is independent and does not need them. Confusing hugh? Welcome to my world.

Homework for u: listen to salsa y bachata and maybe some regeaton everyday. Blast the sound in your car think Jennifer Lopez. Feel sexy about yourself and only think good things about you. Let me know how it goes

Thanks Rick!

I can definitely do the Latin music. That and dance are about all I usually listen to.

I know I'm attractive. Many of the jobs I get are based on my headshots, so if I'm not what the client wants, I don't get work. And most people that I work with think I'm at least ten years younger than I really am.

Maybe I just need to do a better job of showing that to the world. I'm not perfect, but I'm a d@mn good choice! And if H chooses to D, that's his loss.

I've always been independent and know that I don't need any man. I chose H and wanted H, but I didn't need him. I think that hurt H, so I need to figure how to tone that down a little. I don't want to be scaring off all the guys if/when I'm single!

I need to remember that I deserve better and don't need to settle for less. I am the better option and I need to act like it.

Thanks for the vote of confidence.