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This is just some journaling. I have been really thinking about what detachment, dropping the rope, and moving on means to me. I think that true detachment is when you finally stop worrying about your spouse. You stop wondering where they are, who they are with, and what they think about you. You stop wondering if they are dealing with there own faults, and mistakes that have contributed to your sitch.

Dropping the rope to me means, that you are actually ready to move on. Your heart is back open for business to anyone, not just your spouse. More importantly is that you convey this without having to tell anyone. It will be written on your face, and in the way you carry yourself. It will be in the glow of self-confidence that you have finally fully regained regained.

And moving on is just that, you have moved on. More than just dating though. You have actually found yourself committed to someone else. For awhile all I could think about finding someone else, like I thought I was ready for that. I have now come to accept I am not even close to ready.

So after 6 months I feel I am approaching true detachment. I think that even with detachment there will still be times that something could be said that strikes a nerve. Heck, you could have a starnger say something to you that may really bother you, because they got lucky and found a weak spot. It is at these moments that our detachment will allow us to have a positive reaction to those zingers.

Anyway I know there is still a long road ahead. It feels good knowing that I am ready for the journey.

So I have been coming across some posts recently that have been talking a lot about dropping the rope. I would like to share my take on what that actually means to me.

First of all I don't think it is a decision that you choose to make all of a sudden, because nothing else seems to be getting your spouse any closer. It is not the same as waking up and deciding to have cereal instead of toast for breakfast. It is not a ploy or a tactic to get your spouse to return either. It is the natural progression of detaching, GAL, and acting as if.

I think that as our 180's become part of us, and as we become better people, better parents, and better friends, we really start to become happy again. That choice we made when we discovered this site, or decided to not let anger control us, that choice to be happy regardless of what anyone else does or says, was just a choice. We still had work to do to actually be happy. Personally from the beginning I knew I would not be angry, and that I was in charge of my happiness. Does that mean I was happy, hell no. A person can't lose 30 lbs in 1.5 months, sleep 3.5 hrs. a night and really be happy.

Our gift is time and we can either continue to worry about our S, or ourselves. I think that when we focus on ourselves we naturally get to the point of dropping the rope. It is the final part of detachment, when we are not worried about everything we say, or how we act around our spouses. Our 180's have become part of who we are, our self-confidence and self-respect are stronger than ever, we are ourselves again, hopefully with some upgrdes.

I say that I don't think it is a ploy or a tactic because I think just because you have dropped the rope, that doesn't mean you have moved on, or even want to move on. I am working towards dropping the rope with no intention of giving up hope, or moving on. I am looking to cut all ties to my old R, to really focus on myself and my children, but as long as I am more than casually emotiionally invested in my w actions, I will have a hard time focusing on myself and my children.

AnotherStander said something about not ever being completely emotionally uninvolved with your S. I completely agree, we have shared so much with them, sometimes children, sometimes not, but we all are here because we care enough to continue to stand and hope for a brighter future.

So dropping the rope does not mean you're done, does not mean you quit, it means that your heart is back open for business, and you are willing to risk the heartbreak again. You are ready to really start living again, hopefully with new tools to make your next R more amazing then you ever thought possible.

You described how I feel that I have been progressing, especially



I've found that the more I stop worrying about what H is up to, the easier it is for me to do things for me and our D. It also makes it easier to roll my eyes at his crap.

I think getting your heart open again for business, even if you aren't ready to move on, is the end of the journey.

Great post eyesopen, I'm gonna print it out and read it every so often. Thats exactly how I feel, just could not get it from my brain to the page.

I would say that once your heart is open for business, you are ready to move on. Hopefully with your spouse, but it doesn't mean that you have to move on. It is our choice how long we are willing to stand for our M. With that said, I believe it will be at this point when you could truly ask yourself, do I want to be in a relationship with this person again? And it will no longer be a fear driven answer.

Well said eyesopen!!! There seem to be some varying opinions on what dropping the rope is, but my personal view of it is mostly the same as yours. You verbalized it quite nicely!



I knew anger was one of the phases of grief, so I expected to be angry at some point. But it never did happen. I never did feel anger towards my W, maybe because I knew she was hurting and suffering too. I think it's easy for the LBS to assume that everything is great for the WAS, but that's rarely the case. They're in great pain too.



Yes, exactly! Early after BD I definitely felt like I was walking on eggshells all the time, and I had to stop and think about what my 180's were several times a day. The 180's have just become part of me now and I'm no longer on guard all the time. It also helped when my W moved out because I didn't feel like I had to think about every little thing I was doing anymore.



That's an interesting take, I think for me dropping the rope means I am moving on and leaving hope behind. I don't want to say "giving up" hope because I don't see it as giving up, rather it's letting go of the hope so that I can completely move on (when that time comes).



A big question mark in my life is whether I can ever fully trust a woman again. Even my wife. I just don't know if I can ever completely take down that wall again. I'm not saying I can't have a meaningful R, but I think I'll always be wary of this happening again and will never totally drop my guard. I just don't know right now.

AS, I thought the same thing about trusting again, but I am starting to rethink it. I want to love again the way I was in love with my wife. I feel like I am better equipped to keep the love alive the next time around. And I question, if we don't put ourselves out there again, are we really living?

Some of these questions I think will become a lot clearer as time goes on. I know I told my w early on that my children would know only one mom. I was ready to be single for the next fifteen years. Now I am really starting to realize how foolish that thought is, I am not ready for a relationship at this point, but I am not living the rest of my life without putting myself out there again. Especially since I know that there is no place for complacency in a relationship. I can't help but wonder how much fun a R could be when you never stop working at it.

I just wonder how meaningful of a R could you have without 100% trust?

I think the one lesson I've learned from my sitch and from many threads here (especially in the MLC forum) is that it doesn't matter how perfect a spouse we are, we're always going to be at risk of losing our spouse. Whether WAS, MLC, hormones, perimenopause, depression or something else, spouses can just change practically overnight and abandon the R no matter how good we've been. These forums are full of wonderful people who aren't perfect but are pretty darned good but have still lost their spouses. Their spouses are walking out on relationships that others would kill for. Loyal, dedicated, hard-working, kind, loving people lose their spouses every day and are cited trivial, easily-fixed issues as the cause. And you never know if your spouse is one of "those"- a ticking time bomb just waiting to blow the marriage into a thousand pieces.

I hope that doesn't sound bitter, LOL! All I mean is you just can't ever take a R for granted because it could end tomorrow. I just don't want to go through this pain ever again, and I can't say for sure but suspect I've put some armor around myself as protection.



Oh yes, absolutely! I've had a lot of joy and fulfillment outside of M, I don't need a W to have that. I was 31 when I got married, so I spent a lot of adult time as a single guy before I "settled down". Those were some great years. I had some great married years too, but my happiness doesn't require a W.

"The race is long and here comes pride in the backstretch".....I think I know what those lyrics finally mean or maybe they have a new meaning to me....People often run out of d and try to find someone right away...it almost becomes a competition to find someone before your W does so everyone can see you are healing etc...but getting comfortable with you new sitch is the way to go...If my M ends I would love to find someone to be with but I don't want to go through this anytime soon..Although it was a great way to lose weight and get in great fighting shape...

eyesopen those are great insights. You're getting there