Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Midlife Crisis Looked the Gift Horse in the Mouth

I actually went back and typed the X before submitting. I am trying to get myself acclimatized since nothing much is changing.

I can also empathize with the guilt that you are feeling. While I try not to play the blame game at my end, I know that I AM to blame for some of the failings in our relationship. While I logically know that maybe the outcome would not have changed, I cannot always keep my brain from heading into "what if..." territory. And that brings on the guilt. How do I abandon him now?

You are in an especially tough situation because your H is home.

Hang in there - maybe this is a great time for the "do nothing" strategy and just keep a pulse on your feelings. It sounds like you may be in for a rough patch for the next little while. We're in your corner.

And thank heavens for that.

Had to go into H's email for unemployment info... and while I was there...

This is what he wrote to his S from 1stM who is having his own R troubles (and he's being counselled by H - heaven help us)

What they think is of little consequence, as long as you know inside who you really are. Sometimes with women is a better solution to lie rather than upset them. (they = wives/women)

and

My wife is a model wife but my love for her is not there. I stay for the kids and I know that I love her in some respects but am restless like you.

So I'm trying to be empathetic. And I'm trying to wait. But ahem. Ya' know....

Just got an email from H.

He asked if I know what day tomorrow is - December 7th.

Its the day wife #2 left him.

Why would he ask me about that?

See, its this kind of crap that makes me feel cold to him despite knowing he's in pain. Well, this and the "what they think is of little consequence" line. And the "I don't care if you don't trust me" line.

Good golly I don't know if I can hold out until Christmas. Might have his bags packed by the time he gets home.

Thinking about telling him just to go see W#2. Take an extended visit with her.

Hi
Boy does your sitch sound like mine in some ways. I have 4 kids. One from a previous marriage (short marriage) and my H from the first marriage had an affair. I kicked him out because he refused to stop seeing her intitially but there were other issues. My current h and I have been together for 25 years if you include dating. He says he's confused and unhappy as well my h doesn't gamble but is overbusy and he treats me like crap. I am hanging in there but more and more I think about separation because I don't like living this way. Then I think well lets see what happens Then the sh** hits the fan again.

Hi Mrsrjd! Thanks for the comments on my thread. So, I had to read yours, and my goodness, what a ride you're on. His emails and your comments in response is good, but where do you go from there? I'm sure you were pleased to see that you are a "model wife" and I'm sure the kids will "appreciate" that he's staying for them (there's a guilt trip waiting to happen for them).

So, by telling his son to lie to his wife so as not to upset her (my H does this), shows you what he's doing to you. He's identifying himself with someone much younger and probably stupider as regards women, and his son is getting the worse advice possible from someone he trusts. I would wonder if he's manipulating you through those emails. I see that your H must've absorbed a lot of his father's attitude too (as did my H, who stated just recently that he has become the thing he most didn't want to ... his father. I was gobsmacked, and disappointed because his father is a serial cheater).

I am so sorry you're going through this. It s*cks.

It's funny how he thinks he's in control and how much he thinks he's the centre of the universe. He did belong to something ... his own family ... loving wife and children. What are they going to learn from their father ... a continuation from generation to generation of fathers messing up, and not owning up to their responsibilities? Not being the hero in their lives, taught not to tell the truth?

I almost want to tell you to run, but I know you won't. He's as much said that he abandons before being abandoned. He should know how that feels. (He's too fricking old to blame his parents for all his woes. I know, I know, this the source of his MLC ... maybe.) He's not going to change until something changes inside him. You can't change him, his parents definitely can't ... it's up to him. In the meantime, you need to get your stuff in order --- detach, detach, detach, see a lawyer (if you haven't already) to get a feel of what your rights are, and protect your finances. I don't think allowing him to gamble is protecting your finances, unless he's a really lucky guy.

I'm just angry for you, but I know you'll be okay, no matter what. 'Eh, I've been doing this for too long, and have lost my patience for these MLCers. Do the opposite of what I write.

Lol.

Being you made me chuckle.

I get you on the lost patience thing.

That's a big part of my issue because H started this adventure 14 years ago. As you see, he values my compliance/submission. That's just what I learned to do (even more than would be my nature anyway) after I found out about a PA in 1998. At the time my 4 kids were under the age of 5. H paid no support to either of his other 2 fams - so I did what I thought I had to do financially and for the "fam".

And now this is starting all over again?

There's still HUGE financial issues. But at least our kids are all older and I just don't know that I feel quite as vulnerable as before. So, IDK what's going to happen with the M.

I'm working on putting blinders on for the immediate time being. Trying to GAL and what not.

Thanks for checking in!

Hey Rachael.

Its hard when they still live with you isn't it?

I guess its hard anyway you slice it though.

Put on your raincoat and get out the umbrella cause that stuff never stops flying.

The finding of the emails may have been a blessing because it shows that he's got some misgivings about his life and he's even admitted to his older son that you are a wonderful person, but there is something missing.

As for not telling the truth to someone....that's not good and that sure isn't the right advice to give your own child about how to handle relationships.

You know he's conflicted, but you are the only one that can determine when you've had enough. I'll share this w/you because I sat on the fence for 7 months after my xh left the first time and when he told me that it wasn't me, but him, and his daily the threats of always leaving because he didn't want to do things around the home...he announced on early in December that he thought he might leave after Christmas and be here for the holidays so that he wouldn't distrupt family plans. I never said a word that night, but prayed very hard and asked for guidance. The following day was a workday. When I returned home that evening, I told him that I had thought about his conversation and I had decided that he should not wait until after Christmas, but to go now. He began crying and told me that he was so confused and he didn't know what to do. I replied that if I had been him, I would be jumping for joy that my spouse had released me from the relationship. He stayed approximately 11 days and moped around on his days off and made comments about me going on about my business as if nothing was wrong. I pointed out that I wasn't the one wanting to leave. He left on Monday, December 13, 1999, while I was at work and left me a typical mlc note advising me that he needed some time to think and that he would be okay, etc. From that day forward, my life changed because I was no longer wondering what if and walking on eggshells. Would I have changed the way I handled my situation? Yes, I would never have asked him to return home after he had left the first time, but I didn't know anything about mlc or thought "Mr. Personality" would have hooked up w/twinkle twat.

mrsrjd, you will know what to do when the time comes. You've been given the gift of him sharing his inner most thoughts w/you and the emails that you have found. Maybe he was hoping you'd read them and toss him out, especially after referring to the xw anniversary date. No one really knows why they do the things they do, but I would venture to say, he's hoping you will help him out the door at some point. Just my two cents.

Hang in there. Whatever you decide to do, I'll be here for you.

Maybe he was hoping this. Not entirely sure. He did ask me if I read the info he snooped on his Dad. Which I didn't. And I told him that I had not. (a small part of me wishes I had...) He is pretty good about deleting his emails normally. I don't think he knows I've read the communications between him and his son. One thing to remember, H doesn't really care enough to build big webs. At least not for my protection, but perhaps for his own...

I have more of a sense that he thinks

A. He can fool me
B. Even if I'm not fooled I'll be so "unconditionally" loving, and so under his control, that it won't be the end

I don't know that he's ready to be tossed yet. I think if he was he wouldn't have that second email account. (That I cannot get into. Yet.) Because I think he knows if I found more of THAT garbage that would be "the end". I would bet (and I am NOT a gambler) that he expects to continue with our "comfortable" situation until HE is ready to make a change. He most likely could no more conceive of me telling him "go" than he could conceive of finding the dog standing at the sink brushing his teeth.



Once he's decided he's ready? Yes, absolutely. He would want me to look like the bad guy in front of the kids.

My xh never thought I would tell him to leave "now". He thought I would sit back and take the threats and because of the holiday season, would go along w/what he wanted to do. When I came home that Monday evening and told him that I thought he should go now, not wait until after Christmas, he was shocked and then cried like a baby. After that episode, I never once asked him to stay. Just to prove to him what I thought about the situation at the holidays, I took down all of the Christmas decorations while he was out looking for a place to stay the following weekend. When he came home, he knew that I had reached my limit w/threats and eggshells. At that time, I didn't know about mlc or this forum, but I can just say this....I was upset and sorry at first about openning the door and shoving him out, but two months later when the ugly/nasty Mr. Personality began to show, I was more than glad to have my home to myself.

As for your h, time will tell about him. I want you to take care of yourself and not allow his situation to ruin your health. You've been through a lot over the years and now having to deal w/this, it can't be easy. I'm here for you.