Dropping the D means dropping the D and she's taking a step back. It doesn't mean she wants to be back together with you - at all.
You need to try to separate what you want or what you wish for from what is actually happening. You need to take a step back too and let her take the lead on this.
Me54, H53 M 23, T 25 S20, S18 BD: April 2024 Moved out: August 2024
Love means not giving up on someone even if they've given up on you.
"Being right is the booby prize of life." - Susan Page
"Adniva's 3 years was sarcasm, like wait three years to move your little finger, NOT !" "I say that by Christmas I should see some signs of improvement already, like holding hands, or kissing or something."
Ah yes, your pride is in full swing. What did Al Pacino say in "The Devil's Advocate"? "Vanity, my favorite sin."
"And since she said she would drop the D, technically, I am piecing. I went to my friends today to celebrate that."
And in another couple weeks you're going to your friends to commiserate your loss of a M. You're not piecing. Do you see that date by your name? Do you see the date by ours? We've seen it all and trust me, you're not Piecing. That's your pride talking.
Let me put it this way. Have you learned to actually change your son's diaper or did you push that out of the way to celebrate? Sad day when a man hasn't changed a single one of his own child's diapers in over 2 years.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
Hello there, For once I have to disagree with the advice that has been given here. Adniva's 3 years was sarcasm, like wait three years to move your little finger, NOT !
Ok, to not rush things, in the romance/date/relationship realm, but 90 days, (three months)... come on. Bruce, I give you my word, I was pushing it with the 90 days.
IF SHE makes a move that's one thing, but for YOU to AGAIN EXPECT something to be given to you so fast,
shows how fast you revert to making the focus all about YOUR WANTS...again...
what changes do you think you've made? This reeks of the Bruce who first came here...what happened to the "I get it now...seriously"??????
I will let the feelings she has and the love remaining wither. HOW SO? THose feelings must be darn small and not very deep....
I think You'll finally be showing her that you are a good father, which you have NOT done yet.
And 90 days of that, a few times a week, is barely showing it...what do you think SHE will see that will so blow her away and impress her, that she'd want to reverse course completely and reconcile with you that fast???
W/the holidays coming, if there's a lot of chemistry between you two, you might even get a one night stand.
But if you have really read the book you 'll also know that's a "touch and go" and she'll withdraw the second she thinks you are taking things too fast
or taking her for granted...and that is what it sounds like you are doing now. Like I said, there is NO downside to taking things slow.
What's really ironic is that you missed HER MAIN POINT...the ONE thing you recalled her saying (b/c you were not listening b/c you were trying to guess what YOU should say or do next, instead of just HEARING HER OUT...)
was that SHE SAID to take it slow....but gee, that's NOT what you want so you'll ignore her wishes...
Any pattern here?
Then she can say, rightly, that I am really not interested in her, that I am lazy and uncaring. And she would be right. What are you talking about? That's the opposite. It would show patience and that you heard HER request for taking things slowly...stop being so selfish. You're supposed to want more time with your son.
I'm worried that what you ONLY want, is time with HER, and you accept that the son is part of the package...
and she'll see that too...
I say that by Christmas I should see some signs of improvement already, like holding hands, or kissing or something. It's not impatience, it's evidence that things are going in the right direction. Yes it IS impatience... and "Baby steps" are small signs we look for to see if there is evidence that things are going in the right direction. What you want is conclusive proof.
Reconciling is NOT a linear process Bruce. There are spurts and backslides and forward movements...
Baby steps... That would be her having a private talk with you that does not escalate, or sharing a laugh, or a meal with you and OR you having your son WITHOUT a chaperone....and a BIG STEP would be you two resolving a conflict together without one of you feeling abused...but you're not close to that.
I think you want too much too fast and you'll lose it b/c you have not learned the lessons you need to learn. That's clear.
OR we are all wrong and you are right.
Of course, I'll let the lead to her. Thanks, that is Good advice. How will you handle unmet expectations, which you seem to have? Prepare yourself.
Are you going to get angry or sulk or be gracious and happy she's even considering taking you back, IF She is?
As for getting more time with my son, it is precisely against the deal she proposed: give up the extra time I went to the lawyer for, against her dropping the D proceedings. You were NOT Clear about this in your post. You said she'd drop the petition for divorce if you dropped yours.
But IF she said to drop the petition AND THE REQUEST FOR MORE TIME WITH YOUR SON, then you are foolish to abide by that. What do you gain by it?
What reasonable objection could she have to you having more time with your son IF IF IF it's clear you want to be a good father?
How can I the next day, say : by the way, I want more time with Brucie?
What do you mean how can you ask for more time with your son??
How can you not??
Remember the story you told (cause I guess it IS a story, and not the truth)
about wanting to be "more involved in his life and teaching him French and changing his diapers and putting him to sleep and being an involved father"??
What the heck happened to THOSE WORDS? You said them less than 48 hours ago...
I know I have to show interest in my fathering him, and it is genuine. I so wish I wasn't forced to give up on him, I kinda accepted the death deal, either way, I lose. Stop lying, if only to yourself...
You are not forced. Stop playing the victim. You are not powerless. You still take the easy way out of things, and then blame others, and throw your hands in the air to feign helplessness. What a turn off.
So should I ask her to let him with me on Saturdays for example? Or one evening? It's kinda awkward now with this weird deal. Any suggestions?
There is NO weird deal b/c you signed nothing and I'm not sure what the heck you told her OR what she told you b/c you didn't listen OR tell us...
Even if you verbally agreed in the heat of the moment, tell her you reconsidered and YOUR PRIORITY IS MORE TIME WITH YOUR SON...PERIOD.
WHY IS THIS MESSAGE HARD FOR YOU TO CONVEY? ----
And yes, I WANT MORE TIME WITH MY SON. Regardless. Period. There's no marketing here. I am not more or less attractive with or without him, and for that matter I am not interested in someone else. I am commited to my W, she is the right one for me. I know this. We're just having a rough time adjusting. well that's putting it mildy. She left you. She did not want to see you. She moved away and took your son. She filed for divorce. She did not want you to be alone with your son, ever, and for almost 6 months, that seemed fine with you. Now it seems that a few hours a week with him will be just fine - IF she just doesn't divorce you.
How on earth does that make you look like a loving father who puts his son first? To me it looks as if you are saying "well now I have leverage, which i intend to you to blackmail you into a reconciling..."
aside from how see through that is, it's also not going to work b/c she CAN argue you are fine with a few hours a week with this boy, who is a virtual stranger to you...
I think you are losing your time with him on a short term basis AND ON A LONG TERM basis by so easily giving him up.
As for having the right tools and role model in M, I have to admit that I don't know who to look up to for a good exemple. But I'm a clever guy and I have studied the subject in depth with the time my W gave me as a gift. I can still read more books if I don't have it pat down. But I need practice, and that's why I need my W back first. cart before the horse
After all, she did pronounce the words : sort things out between us slowly. And since she said she would drop the D, technically, I am piecing. I went to my friends today to celebrate that.
wow...NO you are not in piecing even technically. That has NOTHING to do with the divorce filing or retracting it OR SAYING you will. It means CHOOSING to work on the marriage...THAT is "piecing" it together again and takes committment.
She is considering NOT DIVORCING YOU YET...
did you read my signature block ever? Dates...timelines...
He left in 2005. I filed for a sep in early '06, then We began dating again, Christmas '06, and then in mid 07 I withdrew the sep papers...
(after several months of dating) we decided to try to piece our marriage back together... we moved back in but while piecing and did not know if we'd make it. MIL got terminal cancer a few months after we moved back in together, so that's a real curve ball. But we've also been married MUCH longer than you, & with 3 kids my h loved intensely and whom the kids missed...so my motivation was much higher than your wife's might be.
So a year later, AFTER moving back in, we went to Retrovaille and we really felt we recommitted to the marriage fully. That's a TWO YEAR process towards a restored marriage, AFTER a TWO year separation...
your timeline made me laugh and shake my head, but then I thought, "OMG that's sad actually."
So I'm posting to you again in the vain hope something someone says,
gets through to you.
Your wife has not. You are already "celebrating" your victory...
but I fear that by dropping the issue of time with your son SO easily, you;ll lose her AND the boy.
tell me what do you think you have learned here? How will marriage to you be different or better than before?
How are you going to SHOW HER that?
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
You know what ? Thanks for slapping me awake. Your message hit home. Really did. SO accurate.
I will not give up on my counter petition. My having my son every other week DOES NOT prevent her from working things out with me does it? I have to be consistent with my message of being a concerned father. Tomorrow first thing in the morning I will send a message saying just that : the deal is not acceptable to me. I am sincere in my wanting to be a father, I will pursue my petition to have him.
If she means business about working things out with me AND not lose him, she'll move in. There's absolutely no reason for her to be worried about me and my son, and the lousy deal is just a reaction she's having to the prospect of being legally obliged to give him up for such a long time, that's all. She he was born, she has not left him ONE day with someone else. I mean ONE day!
As for taking things slowly, yes, sorry guys, I just got ahead of myself, you know with the excitment and all. Sorry. You have to understand, months and months suffering, hoping, scrutinizing, analyzing every bit of response, and all of a sudden the words : I'll drop off the divorce... WOW!
But it was followed by a IF. AN unacceptable IF.
Back to work. I'll keep you informed.
Me:34 ; W:28 Son: almost 2. Married : 14 March 2009 DBomb : 18 June 2012 Separated since Jan 2012 (different countries) Same country and city since July 2012
You know what ? Thanks for slapping me awake. Your message hit home. Really did. SO accurate.
I will not give up on my counter petition. My having my son every other week DOES NOT prevent her from working things out with me does it? Correct...but watch your tone elsewhere.. we told you to take things slow and make your son a priority. No one said to bully her or to be a jerk.
I have to be consistent with my message of being a concerned father. YES you do.
Tomorrow first thing in the morning I will send a message saying just that : the deal is not acceptable to me. I am sincere in my wanting to be a father, AND YOU HOPE THAT YOU TWO CAN WRITE/WORK SOMETHING UP YOURSELVES, will pursue my petition to have him.
If she means business about working things out with me AND not lose him, she'll move in. WHAT??? "If she means business"??? You think you are in a position to give HER conditions? No you are not. You missed the point again!...what is the matter with you?
You are now overtly using your son to blackmail her into moving back in with you. That's NOT concern for him; it's you manipulating her to get your way.
STOP FORCING HER TO BE WITH YOU....I AM ABOUT TO QUIT POSTING TO YOU...
There's absolutely no reason for her to be worried about me and my son, and the lousy deal is just a reaction she's having to the prospect of being legally obliged to give him up for such a long time, that's all.
AGAIN WITH THE ANGER & mind reading^^^^...You are NOT a victim! IF you want to show that you have changed, THEN CHANGE. This is YOU trying to control the outcome, again.
She he was born, she has not left him ONE day with someone else. I mean ONE day! Which never mattered to you before AND which you defended b/c you did not nurse him.... SO this^^^^ reflects far FAR more on you than on her. I wish you'd wake up and see THAT.
As for taking things slowly, yes, sorry guys, I just got ahead of myself, you know with the excitment and all. Sorry. You have to understand, months and months suffering, hoping, scrutinizing, analyzing every bit of response, and all of a sudden the words : I'll drop off the divorce... WOW!
But it was followed by a IF. AN unacceptable IF.
Back to work. I'll keep you informed.
sigh...
When you wonder what SHE SHOULD do
or what SHE will do or how UNacceptable HER conditions are to you...
then look in the mirror and ask yourself
"WHAT WILL YOU DO, TO BECOME A MAN ONLY A FOOL WOULD LEAVE?"
right now, you are not that man.
Wake up for real.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Honestly, would you be happy for your wife to come back to you just because of your son? Even if she despised you? Do you even care how she feels? Or do you just want your "property" back?
I'm sorry but it sounds to me like you only want your S to make your W want to come back to you. If that is what your trying to do then your digging your own grave!
Your S will see through it, your W will see through it and you will loose them both! I hated the thought of H having my children every second weekend. I have always been the one who was always there for them. Now only a few months later and it's not so bad. I don't love it but I'm glad he is still stepping up and taking them. I'm happy for them and it gets easier, each time they go.
If you want your son for any reason to do with your W, than that's even sadder than the nappies, IMHO. The only reason you should want your son is because YOU WANT TO SPEND TIME WITH HIM! Not because u think your W will come back due to her having to share him.
M: 29, H: 31 D: 9 S: 8 T: 13 Y M: 9 Y ILYBIDKIILWY 12/09/2012 ~~~~ Worrying does not empty tomorrow of its troubles. ~~~ it Emptys today of its strengths
Hello all, I realize I came across as manipulative, ie only wanting my son in order to woo my W back. It is not the case. I have so much I want to teach him, share with him. I love him so much. It's not just a duty, it's my pleasure, my honour to do it.
I've had an excellent father while growing up, and still have him. We shared so many activities together.. He's been there to support me when I needed, to help me out in a bind, and even now, he doesn`t falter. The other day I woke him up at 3am in the morning, and he patiently took time to listen and pray with me. That's the kind of father I want to be for my son. That's the reason why I won't give up on that counter petition.
I came to understand, a while ago, that my W could leave me and file and even obtain D if she wanted. As sad as it is, some WAS never reconcile and even remarry. But my son and I, it's something for life.
If I sound like I'm trying to control the outcome and focus too much on the "W coming back" side of things, it is because the site is called D busting after all, and I put emphasis on that aspect, when in actual fact, it'll be, hopefully, an outcome, if ever, of having changed and set my priorities straight in life.
Pretty please, do not stop posting as I am very attentive to all your advice, and get just carried away sometimes, but I'm truly earnest in my attempt to make things right.
Me:34 ; W:28 Son: almost 2. Married : 14 March 2009 DBomb : 18 June 2012 Separated since Jan 2012 (different countries) Same country and city since July 2012
Forgive us for not believing you when you say that you have so much love for your son, etc. Yet you have never changed his diaper and have even admitted to thinking only of yourself.
That counter petition doesn't mean anything when she doesn't trust you with him.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
Forgive us for not believing you when you say that you have so much love for your son, etc. Yet you have never changed his diaper and have even admitted to thinking only of yourself.
Not related ! One can very well not know to change a diaper, but the lack of knowledge is not equal to lack of love.
Me:34 ; W:28 Son: almost 2. Married : 14 March 2009 DBomb : 18 June 2012 Separated since Jan 2012 (different countries) Same country and city since July 2012
Yes related! It comes down to the details. As your son, you should have been able to been competent enough to have done something alone with him as a father without your W. It shows how much commitment you have to your son's well-being which is an offshoot of love.
It's okay to "love" someone when you feel like you don't have to take care of the dirty work and can just concentrate on the good.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
