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PA found out in April... right after Easter. EA was suspected in March. Although I was blind to the obvious in retrospect (if my phone records said anything, it had been going on since October 2011. 80-90% of calls each month were to his number and averaged almost 3 hours a day when I was at work). My bomb of truth with money and a more extensive knowledge of their relationship than i had previously let on was October 1st. I felt like such a fool and didn't even recognize who I had become. In order to keep myself from being an obsessed spy, I told her all this too and said it was now her responsibility to make sure the phone bill was paid. She freaks out still if I get any email from the phone company, advertisements even. It has been my account for longer than I've known her. Its not shocking if I get email from them. After I found out about her physical affair, she began locking her phone, logging out of all her accounts (usually.. sometimes she rushed out of the house leaving them open on hurtfully incriminating things). Sometimes I now find myself amused at the lengths she goes to lie. Mostly because she knows I know and, like i did in my past lying, its not so much lying to your spouse as much as it is lying to yourself and betraying your own self image. It makes me feel sad for her, but also more joyous for me because by my not lying anymore I never have to worry about what I've said or when I'll be found out. The truth can stand on its own. It just is. Lies always have to travel in packs. Like wolves, they will also battle for supremacy, constantly biting at each others heels. One overtakes the other over and over until stronger lies persist and lead the way. From money to just trying to pretend my needs were whatever her wants were, I was slowly dying. I feel like a new man.

PA found out in April... right after Easter. EA was suspected in March. Although I was blind to the obvious in retrospect (if my phone records said anything, it had been going on since October 2011. 80-90% of calls each month were to his number and averaged almost 3 hours a day when I was at work). My bomb of truth with money and a more extensive knowledge of their relationship than i had previously let on was October 1st. I felt like such a fool and didn't even recognize who I had become. In order to keep myself from being an obsessed spy, I told her all this too and said it was now her responsibility to make sure the phone bill was paid. She freaks out still if I get any email from the phone company, advertisements even. It has been my account for longer than I've known her. Its not shocking if I get email from them. After I found out about her physical affair, she began locking her phone, logging out of all her accounts (usually.. sometimes she rushed out of the house leaving them open on hurtfully incriminating things). Sometimes I now find myself amused at the lengths she goes to lie. Mostly because she knows I know and, like i did in my past lying, its not so much lying to your spouse as much as it is lying to yourself and betraying your own self image. It makes me feel sad for her, but also more joyous for me because by my not lying anymore I never have to worry about what I've said or when I'll be found out. The truth can stand on its own. It just is. Lies always have to travel in packs. Like wolves, they will also battle for supremacy, constantly biting at each others heels. One overtakes the other over and over until stronger lies persist and lead the way. From money to just trying to pretend my needs were whatever her wants were, I was slowly dying. I feel like a new man.

Sorry about double posting. Posted from my phone and apparently it went haywire.

When and if you get past this, does the MLCer ever truly understand the pain and anguish they put the LBS through?

I realize I'm assuming she's MLC and I also understand I've done my fair share to screw things up, but she really seems to exhibit many of the behaviors written about MLC. I know the other boy is still in the picture in some capacity and some nights it just hurts. (I realize i call him a boy b?cause though he is legal to vote, he is not legal to drink). But for the time being I have to swallow it because my kids didn't ask for mommy and daddy to be screwed up. They love us both and as far as I'm concerned need to have us both around.

Tomorrow is this dudes birthday according to her calendar on our desk. I just can't wait to hear the excuse to get out of the house. I feel like whatever it is I have to grunt and send her on her way because otherwise we could fight and she goes anyhow.

When I say October 1st above that's 2012. A year after she and him became "friends." We decorated our Christmas tree today. She tried hiding away our ornaments that marked our original first married Christmas together.

"I already went through those."
" What about these?" I said of the first Christmas ornaments. Since she wouldn't out and say she did not want to put up the marriage ornaments I went ahead and put them on the tree. She also got pissy about me putting my childhood ornaments on he tree (she tried setting them aside in another box) even though hers were going up. I sure as hell put mine up too. With a smile and jimming of a Christmas tune. I have a feeling I am in for a rough month. This is my favorite time of year and i don't think she wants me to take pleasure in it.

As i wrote that last sentence i realized it is probably mind reading like you were talKing about earlier. How do you stop doing that? I obviously do it. i can't be happy waiting for what is the next "crisis" but I don't want to be too vulnerable and unprepared where I do something stupid like fall into the reasoning or defending for the marriage.

“the greatest burden a child must bear is the unlived life of the parents” Carl Jung

This quote is written on her planner. Unfortunately if it is meant ot make her feel better about a divorce and destroying a family, it is a poor quote to choose. Jung was talking about parent stuck in arrested development, not growing up essentially. I understand the basis of wanting to be all you can be, but I do not think it also means you get to destroy everything you have chosen to do before just because you are not "happy."

finally headed to our first MC session. I am not going to say I am there to "save the marriage" but rather I am there to learn how to communicate with her. I beleive we are both saying a lot of things, but it always fall on deaf ears, like we are speaking a different language. This leads to misunderstandings and arguments and more distance.

I spent too much time tyring to fill her wants thinking I had filled her needs. Subsequently I put her wants over my needs and then I never clearly communicated what my needs were. That is my fault. I believe the same for her, she never clearly communicated what needs were important to her. She also unquestioningly basked in the glory of her filled wants. Never once checking to see if I had what I wanted or needed (or maybe she did and I didn't understand her?).

So the root? Communication needs to change.

so far counseling was a bust. I said i wanted to communicate better to save the marriage. She said she wanted ME to communicate better so she could leave the marriage (on her own timetable of course). We devolved into a he said she said and it was disgusting. We both suck. I did say if she wants to leave, leave now, if she wants to stay and USE me for her timetable, then she needs to get on board with communication FOR REAL.

At the end the counselor was like "look up child custody stuff together" and at that point I took a FIRM stand. I said I will gladly help her do whatever she needs to do to find her sense of self fulfillment or purpose in life, but under no circumstances would I help her move out. I said we owe to the people who were once "in love," and had children that now depend on them, to get to know these two new adults who are on the other side of all this crap. Then, if we don't like who we are together, rational decisions can be made, but right now it is all being "decided" in emotional disarray.

the only upsdie is the counselor told her the other guy has to go if she wants to work on the marriage (she doesn't want to do either) and everyone agreed to meet again in 2 weeks with a list of "my needs" and she'll have a list of "her needs" that we will not show each other until then.

When I said she's always gone and so we don't have real time set aside to communicate, she said she'd be home tonight, but I decided to get the oil changed in my car (which is leaking at the filter). Essentially its my fault no matter what happens EVER!?!?!

Sounds like you are doing all the right things...but time to focus on you and the kids and detach from her...look at it like it is a wound or injury do you want to keep cutting it open to look at it...same with her stay away and work at making yourself a better person...I know easier said than done..but in the end we all see that is the only way out...good on making her move out...does she really think she can make it with this college guy? He sounds like a scumbag- isn't there a case where he could be prosecuted for what he did? Maybe that is why she is standing one foot in the door one foot out..