I don't really know when I was brought aboard the train through hell, but this last 7 weeks have been the most painful in my life. It was a Sunday morning and my W came down into the kitchen and told me that it was over. She "loves me but is not in love with me anymore". She then left for the day so I could "think things over". But I am getting ahead of myself, so I'll try to start what I think may be the beginning and a little history.
I am 55 and my W is 49, we have been married for 24 years and have two children; a son in college and a daughter in high school. Most folks are fueled in life by a variety of motivators; emotion, intellectual pursuits, spirituality, ...., the list goes on. My W is fueled 100% by emotion, I have realized this ever since we met, it was one of the reasons I fell in love with her. Soon after our daughter was born my W was diagnosed with Bipolar disease. Two suicide attempts and a roller coaster ride through depression and mania, the disease was brought under control through some great doctors. There have been relapses but nothing like the first few years after our daughter was born. I can't say that through this I handled the entire situation with the understanding and compassion my W deserved, I had my moments (not knowing any better) but for the most part I was always there for her and took care of things. I never strayed, I kept my promise. As the kids got older life sort of became comfortable and I accepted the fact that there were a few things I always needed to take care of regarding the family. We had our issues but what marriage doesn't. I can honestly say that I have supported her throughout our marriage, all she has done or wants to do I am behind her.
I think this all started for my W back in early 2010, her father died, not unexpected, but a tragedy nonetheless. I think there were some unresolved issues between them, but its just a guess, she never brought them up, and I never thought to ask. I really didn't notice any change, she works, in fact she works very hard in a job she loves but with very little monetary rewards or appreciation from her superiors. She has the summers off, working only 10 months a year. So I figured business as usual. It wasn't until the early summer of 2011, right after my son graduated from high school and was off to college in the fall that the first bomb fell. She told me one day that she "loves me but is not in love with me anymore" and how unhappy she has been. She said that she doesn't know if she ever loved me. Call me dense but I had absolutely no clue. I was devastated. She wanted me to leave the house, and soon was looking for apartments for me to move into. Little did I know that the trip was just the beginning. I reacted with anger and defiance, not going to leave my home; I did nothing wrong. As it turned out, we were able to spend some time apart but kept the lines of communication open, talking frequently and we also both agreed to see a marriage counselor. I didn't have a clue that this may be MLC. That summer was a bit rocky but I believed that if I tried hard enough I could become the person she wanted. In the counseling sessions she mentioned that she felt being taken for granted, that I didn't do the "small things" anymore that make her feel special. I'll admit, guilty as charged, and I resolved that I would change. I did start doing the small things, and it helped that we both didn't like the formality of the counseling sessions and that seemed to bring us closer together. My son went off to college, My W was beginning a new "season" with her job and I thought that the routine would help. We were getting along better than in recent memory and I thought all the bad was behind us. Boy was I wrong......
Fall turned into Winter, we stared having date night every week or so, and talked more than we ever had in a long time. Christmas and New Year was wonderful, and I was looking forward to spending some more time with my W. Right after the New Year 2012, W wanted to explore her spiritual side and joined a Buddhist chanting group. They would get together 1 or 2 nights a week to chant and have a discussion after. I was fully supportive, she was happy participating, so I was all for it. (Authors Note: I am not a very religious person, never have been, but I feel that my moral compass has always been strong and my conscious has been my guide.) As January progressed I sensed she was becoming more distant but the differences were slight, and life always seems to get in the way, I figured it was just another bump in the marriage road. Boy was I wrong; early February she announces that she is moving out, she has a room in a house down the street that a friend of a friend will let her use. She then tells me that again; "loves me but is not in love with me anymore". She wants the family to go out to dinner that night and then spring the news to the kids when we get home. I was so shocked and confused, that is exactly what we did. However, when we arrived home, I told her she was on her own in telling the kids; her decision, her explanation. It was horrible. My son, confused, went back to college, and my daughter stayed with me in the house. W would come over in the mornings and in the evenings; it was basically just me and my daughter hanging out together. I had no clue. It was all I could do to keep myself, my home, and my kids together. W and I kept communication open, and in walks we had, she asked if I was happy. I said, all things taken into consideration, even with our history, I am, I have no regrets, I have and still am in love with you. I think it was during this event that all of my anger left me, I was filled with empathy for my W, because whatever she was struggling with didn't really have anything to do with me, she was fighting some inner demons. I resolved to stand by her and try my best to work things out as best I could. We decided to get a new therapist, both we were comfortable with, and try again. This train keeps going.....
We started seeing the therapist in mid-March, she was sill living away, but at least we seemed both committed to working on things (I still was wondering what they were). Our therapist had a prior planned vacation for all of April, and told us we would start up in the beginning of May. We agreed then a bit more weirdness started. One day in mid-April W calls me at work crying. She had stayed home that day and was chanting and had an emotional breakthrough. I was a bit worried so I left work and when I arrived home she came into my arms sobbing telling me that she "loves me so much". She couldn't stop crying and telling me this. She was talking about her father dying, and she wanted to give back to people not as fortunate as her and on and on. To tell the truth, I was more focused on the "I Love You" than anything else. I figured great, W is finally past this and we can get on with our lives and grow old together.
We continued to see the therapist, in fact we both looked forward to going, it was refreshing to talk about things in a safe place. We kept having our dates, Spring turned to Summer and things were going well; a getaway weekend in June, just the two of us. Family vacation with two other families we had been doing together for 20 years. In fact at dinner one night, W got up and announced that she felt that everyone there was part of her family. Heartfelt for sure. Text messages on my phone from W telling me she loves me, me understanding my feelings better in order to express myself a bit better, we were on our way. August rolls around and a person she worked with left to take another position in another state. W understood and had aspirations of reorganizing the department she worked in, have a bigger role, and revamp the programs to make them better. She only needed her boss to agree. We discussed this at length, over dinner, on walks, over the phone. I was fully supportive, even though I would see a bit less of her, if it made her happy, then I was behind her. She even wanted a raise for this extra responsibility. Sadly, it never materialized, her boss was against the idea and it never happened. I understood how disappointed she was and resolved to help in a new direction, if she wanted that. I suggested reaching out to another women that could be a mentor to her, she did and all seemed well. One door closes and another opens. At this time she was chanting even more, by herself, and with the group a few night a week. I was seeing a bit less of her and felt a bit of a distance growing, although the discussions with our therapist kept going well, so I thought she was preoccupied with the coming work season. September rolled around and I had an opportunity to go on a Canadian canoeing adventure for a week at the end of September. I asked W and after some rearranging of schedules she said it would be OK, she was actually excited for me. Then the train gets deeper into the Labyrinth
The week before I left W seemed more distant that usual, the therapist meeting didn't go to well. I just could put my finger on what was wrong. I felt something was amiss but I didn't know what. In fact all through the trip I knew something was wrong, not knowing exactly what it was, yet I was counting the days until the trip was over. Which bring me back to the present about 4 weeks ago on that Sunday. On that day, when she left for the day, she text-ed me and said she had a letter for me upstairs and that it was important I read it. It turned out it was a document from a lawyer requesting a Dissolution of the Marriage. That was the day half of me died. Our therapist, who is extremely experienced, was shocked as well. No one saw this coming. It was like my wife was only going through the motions of therapy, lying all the way.
I didn't know anything about Mid Life Crisis until I read some info from the Internet. Sad, sad stories. She seems to have many of the symptoms, in fact I call it the Perfect Storm: Mid Life Crisis, Bipolar ,and entering Menopause. She refuses to see the Therapist anymore, no reason. Can't give me a specific reason why she wants out. She seems to be looking for something, it may not exist. We still live in the same house which is a bit weird, but I need to be here for my daughter who is a bit confused to say the least. She is pressing me to get together so we can split the assets, and go through a mediator. I am trying to keep it together practicing "tender compassion". One thing I believe, this has nothing to do with me or the marriage, it is inside of her. This person is not my wife, I don't know what happened to her, but I hope someday she comes back.
Recently she is having problems at work and may be fired. Every day is like a new story that no one wants to live in.
In the meantime I am doing what everyone say to do... 1. Taking care of myself. I am seeing the same marriage therapist, only one on one. The advantage is she knows both of us. 2. Taking care of my kids, being here for my daughter, and talking with my son. I love them both. 3. Keeping busy; Habitat for Humanity, and coaching Soccer again 4. Reaching out to friends, they have been nothing short of amazing. 5. Dealing with the emotional funeral going on in my head.
In conclusion, my anger and bitterness, while still there, have been becoming very small and are overtaken by sadness and empathy for my wife. Her inner demons are far worst than I can imagine. I can only stand by and watch. As for the marriage, with the information I had, the inner tools I possessed, I did the very best I could. I kept my promise to God, Our families, and all that was in the church that day. The quote from Timothy comes to mind: "I fought the good fight, I finished the race, I kept the faith". I get up every day know and say: "This is going to be a good day". The analogy my therapist and I have come up with is this; My W and I are in a the big ocean of life with no land or ships around. She is treading water, very confident that she is doing well. I have a life jacket on, and am holding an extra one that I wish I can give to her, in fact, in pains me that I can't since she will not, under any circumstances accept it. So I just float around watching her slowly drown day by day. The ride continues....
Thanks for reading. I hope this helps someone, it has for me.
M - 55 W- 49 S-19, D-16 Married - 24 Bipolar Dx - May 1996 #1 BD - Jun 2011 #2 BD - Feb 2012 #3 BD - Oct 2012 Reconnecting - Jan 2013
"I'm going off the rails on a crazy train!" - O. Osbourne
Hang in there TTH, so sorry that you are facing this but you have come to a very good board where you can express your pain and find comfort that you are not alone on this train.
I would rather feel pain then never feel at all... Separated 3/2012 T 34 yrs M 27 yrs
TTH - So sorry you are going through this. You're right, it's a perfect storm - MLC, stymied at work, approaching 50, kids leaving the nest, bipolar, menopausal. (Sounds a lot like my ex - except for the menopause part lol.)
Some things to consider from a biological perspective, although you may not be able to discuss these things with her now:
- hormones DO affect mood. It's worth noting that her first diagnosis of bipolar came after childbirth - a time of great hormone flux. Bioidentical hormones can do a lot to ease the transition of menopause. Ask your local compounding pharmacist for a referral to a physician, someone good locally who prescribes bioidentical hormone therapy, and see if you can find some way to suggest it to your wife.
- check out a new book called Brain on Fire. Written by a young journalist, it tells the story of her descent into psychosis. She was given several diagnoses at first, among them bipolar - in her case, she turned out to have an autoimmune disease attacking her brain. Not saying your wife has this particular syndrome, but it opens the door to a lot more speculation on the role of autoimmunity in various psychiatric diseases.
- also, if she hasn't had her thyroid checked lately, a thorough thyroid panel may be in order. There is a higher rate of bipolar disease in families with thyroid disease, and thyroid disease (which can cause depression, among other things) often appears in women at times of hormone flux (puberty, pregnancy, menopause).
Now - as for YOU - a few thoughts:
- you can't control what happens with her, you can only do your best by being the best YOU can be and being a safe harbor. You've said you changed by doing more of the "little things" - are there other things you need to work on in yourself? DO you need to lose weight, be tidier, get help for a flagging sex drive, get more of a social life, whatever? THis is an opportunity for major growth and self-improvement, getting outside of your comfort zone, if you will accept it.
- put the focus on your kids and your relationships with them. They're at important stages in their lives and they need to be able to see you as their "rock", and by YOU modeling that things will be okay and life will go on, they will feel more positive about their futures too.
- don't assume you know what is best. I know it hurts like hell, and you worry about her. Obviously to you it seems like the best possible outcome is for her to come to her senses and come home. Which she may do. Or she may not. And if she doesn't, it may turn out badly. Or it may not!
I fought for a long time for my marriage (we were married 24 years), even had a successful reconciliation and several more good years due to DBing, but when that perfect storm hit my ex, he finally left. Once I actually accepted that he was finally leaving - and that hey, it was kinda nice not walking on eggshells all the time - my life actually improved. Yes, it changed drastically - I have a new house, new friends, a new hobby (playing drums in a rock band!) - but it's good. I'm not in a relationship right at the moment, but since my divorce I've dated some lovely men who really reminded me of some of the things that were missing in my relationship with the ex. My kids all suffered, despite being older like yours, but they are coming to peace with it. And my ex is engaged to a new woman he has been living with for a couple of years and looks happy enough - I still worry about him, but I'm hopeful that this woman will take care of him.
And to tell the truth, most days I am just grateful to not be dealing with the emotional strain that I had gotten so used to in those years living with my ex. I honestly didn't see how bad it had gotten until I was well away from it. (Btw, my ex was never formally diagnosed bipolar - but now that I am away from it, I can see how clearly he was, albeit a milder form.)
Anyway - center yourself, breathe, don't forget to enjoy this time with your daughter.
The first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy book by MWD, Divorce Busting is also an excellent book.
Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support)
I have read a good deal of books on the subject and can give you some suggestions when you are ready.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
I will give you a bunch of homework assignments to read. This is my ultra brand new and improved list of link
Now you have all the tools to read. Let us know how your doing and if you have any questions.
I suggest that you read the entire thread in the resources. You can also pick out some people and read their whole story.
The stages of MLC as rewritten by HB from Jim Conway are a template which can only be laid over an MLCer's experience retrospectively. It's impossible to see the pattern until it has finished being laid or the crisis is complete.(nickel Cyrena). So do not be too concerned where your MLC'er is in this process. (Although my general guess is that they are in REPLAY)
Depression is the key to the whole thing and it is always present!
Believe none of what she says and 50% of what she does.
I would not ask her anything unless you can have no expectations. Sometimes asking them questions will be thought of as pressure. You do not want to do anything that can be thought of by your W as controlling or pressure.
Lets not worry about her. Lets work on you! Start your homework assignments. Something to DO while you are on moderation. GAL. Eat, sleep and take a deep breath. In general take care of your self first.
Detach the single most important thing to DO.
Your W has given you a gift THE GIFT OF TIME use it wisely
TTH, my heart goes out to you. I could have almost written that post at one point.
Hang in there. Things aren't over until it's over. Sounds deep, but you already know that. You also have a leg up knowing it has nothing to do with you. That took me longer to figure out
Take care of you and your kids. Be careful what you say in front of them - it matters. And keep in mind how hard it is for your kids and your w. You're right those demons are tough for her and she'll have to deal with each and every one of them. Likely while putting on a face of serenity and happiness. Don't be fooled.
Detaching is important for you. You have to detach from the outcome else it will cause a lot of resentment and anger in you. You can't control the outcome - only you. Reading Cadet's links is a very good idea. I highly recommend doing that many times.
Peace, AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
It's pretty weird, this trip thru Hell. My W wanted to have the "Discussion" the other day about splitting up the Assets to get ready for the Mediator. We sat down and I tried a 180 on her. I told her I didn't believe anything she said and only wanted to know how we (the family) could give her the space and distance she needed without being so reckless. I kept repeating that. Kept bring up the kids and how they are suffering and will suffer all their lives because of this. I wasn't angry or nasty, only calm, when I explained things to her. I believe she was taken aback for a while. We talked for 5 1/2 hours, (actually she did most of it.) I sat there and listened. She never brought up the Mediator or Assets again.
We talked about her mostly, job, minor stuff... and sometimes rolled around the to the relationship. She said "I don't love you anymore", "I am not attracted to you anymore". I was thinking this is from the same women who in August said how much she loved me over and over, then in September tells me that she "loves me but is not in love with me", and now "I don't love you anymore." Well babe, which is it, make up your mind. I didn't say those things, just thoughts.
She said this was all caused because I have a "Communication Issue". We've been married 24 years; think she would have mentioned this before. I know the saying "Don't believe anything she tells you and only 50% of what she does" This is absolutely not about me.
She mentioned why I wanted to stay together, I told her two things:
1. When things get tough and hard, you don't just quit! 2. To set an example for our children, commitment is a commitment, a promise is a promise, when life is tough, Don't Quit.
This through her back, she didn't say anything for a while after that. I also mentioned her father that passed about three years ago. She said she talks to him and he talks back. I told her that her Dad would have never quit as well. That took her back too. We ended it because I believe we where too tired to talk after a while, it was after all, about 2:00 in the morning.
My W doesn't exactly fit the profile (who does?). She wants to talk, and wants me to talk as well. She said that "if you want to drive me away farther, then remain silent". So we talk. We'll see. I am still in fuzzyland but at least I can function and be in control.
M - 55 W- 49 S-19, D-16 Married - 24 Bipolar Dx - May 1996 #1 BD - Jun 2011 #2 BD - Feb 2012 #3 BD - Oct 2012 Reconnecting - Jan 2013
"I'm going off the rails on a crazy train!" - O. Osbourne
So Christmas is coming up and I know it really going to suck. On a side note, my W still lives at home with me and my daughter with my son going back and forth between college stints. We are in different rooms.
Anyway, how do folks handle Christmas? My W also comes from a large family (11 siblings) and they get together a week after Christmas to celebrate. My Mother-in-Law, MIL, who loves me like a son said I am coming to the celebration since she would be disappointed if I didn't show up. I wouldn't mind, except I need to be focused. All of the sibling's and spouses know about my W and me yet no one has ever called or dropped me a line on how I was doing? I am little pissed about that, after all I have known them for 27 years.
One day at a time. No expectations, Surrender to outcomes!
M - 55 W- 49 S-19, D-16 Married - 24 Bipolar Dx - May 1996 #1 BD - Jun 2011 #2 BD - Feb 2012 #3 BD - Oct 2012 Reconnecting - Jan 2013
"I'm going off the rails on a crazy train!" - O. Osbourne
I am starting this from the day W’s father died, I believe this is the first “trigger” point. So it is day 1046. The rules are: normal font is the conversation, Italics are my thoughts, never spoken.
Talked to my Mom today, she had a conversation with W over Tea (Invitation by W ). W says we discussed this, it’s a lie, never heard of it before.
W: “H and I discussed renting your (Mom’s) downstairs flat.”
Mom: “Why?”
W: “So one of us could go there for a few weeks, then the other person could move there for a few weeks. Leapfrogging so D could still live at home with at least one parent around.”
Mom: ??????
My thoughts: Sound F@#@$^ING thinking!!????
Thanks for helping me vent.
M - 55 W- 49 S-19, D-16 Married - 24 Bipolar Dx - May 1996 #1 BD - Jun 2011 #2 BD - Feb 2012 #3 BD - Oct 2012 Reconnecting - Jan 2013
"I'm going off the rails on a crazy train!" - O. Osbourne
