TPS Me: 44 H: 42 M14 T17 S10 D7 10/10 H moves out after death of his father-same month 21/04/12 H is 'DONE' 04/05/12 OW/PA confirmed (rumors from 2010) July '14 H ends affair May '15 H moves back home
Don't feel sad. You are doing GREAT and all the insights that you are discovering are getting you to a better place.
Sending you hugs and love!
((((busting)))))
Me & H: 44 D7, D6, S3 Together: 20y, M: 17y EA: 11/13/10, Sep: 12/23/10 EA becomes PA: Spring 2011 H filed for D: 09/06/12 D Negotiating began 2/15 OW seemingly gone on 3/15 Still negotiating D
You are doing extremely well. You believe in DB'ing and you are receptive to everyone's ideas and the process.
Most importantly, you implement them into your life. It is a process that takes a lot of patience. Sometimes patience that we didn't realize that we had, until we are put to the test.
Keep on keeping on my friend.
Me:45 ExW:48 M:04/97 3 Bombs & 2 ReCons 1st BD 11/10 D Finalized 4/20 D-16 S-14 Going in one more round when you don't think you can. That's what makes all the difference in life.~Rocky Balboa
Busting, stopping by to give you my encouragement. You did the right thing by expressing how you feel, and I completely agree with him not bringing his friends over to your house.
Also, did he file for D in July? Are you going through the process now or it hasn't even started? I'm a bit confused.
Hey ((Busting)), just caught up on your sitch. I see you are getting lots of advice While I've been "gone" I worked out that boundaries are part of expressing what we want. And expressing what Tumbling wants in her life has been the hardest part of the past two years but I have finally found my voice.
The reason I am writing this is because this: "I was afraid of not being honest with H about my concerns. That perhaps it was unfair if he thinks that all is honkey dory and whatever he envisions for the future, we will be there no matter what". stood out for me in your earlier posts on this thread re potential Dubai move.
Your concerns are legitimate. You can still honour them but not share them w H. I don't know if the subject has come up again yet but a way of letting H know you have concerns is perhaps simply stating:
"I am still deciding whether I want to move to Dubai" which is your truth and let's him know that it is not hunky dory, that his fantasy is not guaranteed.
As for boundaries, this is my take: We are responsible for how people treat us. If we do not tell someone when we feel disrespected or uncomfortable then they will continue to behave in ways that we do not like. A boundary is a line drawn between what is and is not acceptable. Unlike a boundary wall they cannot be seen so it is my responsibility to define these limits to others. When a boundary has been crossed, a value has been trespassed and action is required to protect the values that have been threatened.
I have always believed "things will get as good as you can stand" but I didn't realise until recently how to raise the bar.
Tonight I was brave and expressed my Self for the second time this week (this time to a friend). I told them I wanted to be honest w them and explained how they had made me feel uncomfortable earlier. It felt so good to look after my Self and to speak my truth.
Just my (commando) thoughts!
ME41 H39 T12 M9 Ilybinilwy 10/2010 H moves out 11/2010 H moves in 09/2011 out 11/2011 Try to fix it alone, give up 07/2012 Tumbling to file 02/01/2013 :-) "Strong on the inside, soft on the outside"
Wow, Busting. You have came so far in the last few weeks. Your doing awesome.
M: 29, H: 31 D: 9 S: 8 T: 13 Y M: 9 Y ILYBIDKIILWY 12/09/2012 ~~~~ Worrying does not empty tomorrow of its troubles. ~~~ it Emptys today of its strengths
Busting, Very proud of you friend. We share the same insecurity of not wanting to upset others and then being alone, so I know how hard it must have been to set the boundary. At the same time, I hope you cherished that victory for You!
labug, I have to admit. I struggle with saying what I want. I try to be nice. I have recognized this. And when I get upset I do a classic avoid, ignore thing instead of talk.
I think it stems from a lot of insecurity from my younger years. Deep down I think people will get mad at me I suppose and then not want to be around me. I guess thats why i have trouble with boundaries. Ok..now I am crying. I didn't realize how much you hit home with your comment! lol (thats lol with tears...so I look crazy right now).
For me telling H I was uncomfortable was hard for me. Just that step was hard. Wow. I really have had very little respect for myself over the years I guess.
Thank you busting for sharing (along with the others that have chimed in with similar issues). This sings to me as I believe my W is the same. It's actually an issue with us to a degree because I feel like W is willing to tell me and the family no, but not anyone else.
We also had a discussion on forgiveness recently where I asked W if she thought she forgave. She said yes, but then I asked, why do you think you did. She basically said she forgave them because she was afraid they'd be mad at her if she didn't. I argued that this wasn't really forgiveness and oh hell, did the S hit the fan! She got extremely upset with me about it. I suspect because I hit the nail on the head, but these type discussions here really help me understand her better.
I have struggled a bit with boundaries and not wanting to upset people too. My mother has struggled ALOT with it and I've seen the resentment it builds in her and how she often "finishes last".
Seeing how damaging it has been for her has helped me take more control and build more boundaries for myself, and I hope to keep going that way.
I'm happy to read you're moving towards the same goal!
Together for 8,5 years. S2 Interest in OM. She left 29.09.12 b/c we couldn't work things out. No signs of OM, not digging. Living in seperate homes, sharing custody.
