Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Some progress after 2+ months of DBing

Really, Tori? Does what I feel sound like love to you? I've actually always had a problem with really understanding what love should feel like. I know 'in love' and 'physical attraction'. When I'm told by someone that they love me, I don't have a clue what they really mean. Maybe it's my autistic tendencies (which I figure I must have given S13).

I have no intention of seeking an OM but I've never been pursued by anyone interesting (since I've been with H) so I really don't know how I'd respond.

In my case, I didn't seek the OMs, they landed at my door. That's just my experience of it. Well, that's not entirely right - with OM1, I pursued a friendship and then surprised myself when I was open to it turning into something else. OM2 pursued me 100% and it was nice to have the attention. Seeking an OM would be much worse I think.

Love... who really knows what it means anyway - it changes over time. You have said you and your H are very close, and here you are fighting for your M, despite the fact that right now it's probably more bad than good. You know your H loves you even though he's a complete weirdo a good portion of the time. Most people say it's a choice, not a feeling. Clearly you are not feeling it right now but yet you do love him. So it has to be somewhat of a choice - to do loving behaviors, I guess.

I've thought about this a lot as well. I guess when I got the ILYBINILWY speech, I just didn't know what it meant. How can you love someone and in the same breath say you're not in love with them? Are there really two kinds of love in marriage? Personally I think my W is confusing puppy love with being "in love". She remembers those early stages of an R where your stomach is fluttery and you feel faint just being around the OP and she thinks that's how love is ALWAYS supposed to be. So since she doesn't feel it with me, she has to seek it elsewhere. But that puppy love never lasts. It either dies on the vine and you move on to seek it elsewhere, or it gets replaced by a more enduring love that is more about companionship then fluttery emotions. I just think Hollywood has created a huge misconception about what love is, and now people are leaving loving marriages seeking that fake, temporary Hollywood love.

Completely agree with AS. A lot of the WAS think that the initial phase of falling in love will continue throughout the marriage, but like anything, a M grows and evolves. The fluttery-feeling kind of love is not real love. Love is when you really care about a person and only want the best for that person. Love is when you feel that person is connected to you regardless of where they are. Love is when you can forgive even when the person hurts you like no one else has hurt you. Love transcends all terrenal stuff.

Wendylon, I do see evidence that you love your H. Don't analyze it too much. Everyone has a different way of expressing love, but the feeling is the same.

Thank you Regretful, AS and Tori for your wise words. I'll just assume I do love H and carry on!

I felt upset with him yesterday at supper because he was backing S17 who was trying to teach S13 not to keep all his food in his cheeks. Fair enough but S13 started crying and I was feeling stressed because my father has deteriorated terribly since I last saw him. We were all having supper and I told S13 that he could go outside on the trampoline (instead of staying at the table and crying). I thought that my H should be backing me regardless and that he should realise how stressful it was to see my father's deterioration.

H fell asleep as soon as I got back from driving my father and step-mother back to my sister's where they are sleeping. H fell asleep fully-dressed on our bed. I left him to it and he did get up in the night and change and get into the bed. He is especially odd at night. I've noticed that H is nicer in the mornings. He even initiated a hug this morning in bed.

D15 gave me more sympathy and support than H did last night. Having said that though, I have to recognise that H did talk about the situation with my father this morning and he has taken him off for lunch while I'm having a break. My step-mother has left him with us for the day. My father is terribly smelly and I gag a lot in his presence. She obviously has trouble getting him to clean himself but I still think she should make it happen. I'm scared to intervene and upset my father and step-mother. I'm due to take him out for breakfast tomorrow morning but I don't think I can be in the car with him if he's still as smelly. My sister may be stuck working in France because of snow. She's due back tonight and is meant to take over looking after them for the rest of the weekend.

Sorry to be off-topic!

I told H this morning that D15 had been v supportive of me last night and that S17 was right in what he wanted to do with S13 over supper but that it didn't feel like the right time to be strict given what I was already dealing with. H then told me that over bfast he told D15 how much I appreciated her being comforting and also told S17 that his intervention with S13 was right but that I wasn't in the right space for it. I don't quite get why he gets himself involved.

We'd had a difficult meeting at S13's school in that we'd witnessed some pretty bad teaching. S13 spent his time yawning and I could see why. S13 is at one of the best autism schools here (at huge cost to our Local Education Authority) and it still leaves so much to be desired.

All in all, I'm feeling that there are lots of things that I can't control today. Having done his bit, H will probably conk out when he brings my father back to us. God knows when my step-mother will return. I can see why she'd want time off from caring for him but I feel resentful that she's allowing him to be so physically off-putting. It's something I'm very aware of in regards to S13 (keeping him clean and pleasant to be around).

I'm feeling stressed and keep having the feeling that I should be doing something other than what I'm doing--that sort of jittery, unsettled sensation.

Been there, done that!!! I used to try to help him change but gave up on that a long time ago. Most recently, as I was leaving the bedroom to go into my prison cell I would grab the pillows off the bed and H would ask me to turn the light off on the way out. Now I'm just leaving it on and he can turn off the light himself. Even if he falls asleep with the light on and TV blaring, I'm leaving it on.

It sounds like you are frustrated with life today and not getting the support you need from H. I suspect you feel that if you go to H and say, "I'm feeling frustrated with life today, and I need some extra support," he would take it such as you think he's doing something wrong and it's a complaint vs. a request. I've certainly experienced that, and so I learned not to ask for anything.

Sorry about your smelly dad. What have you said to your step mother about it? Could she hire a nurse to help out if she can't manage to keep him clean (or doesn't want to)?

Regretful, my H also leaves the lights on and blinds up when he falls asleep! I'm the one who turns the room into night space and then day space again. If I leave when he's still in bed in the morning, everything stays in night mode (bed unmade and blinds down). I figure he simply doesn't care ab such things whereas I'm pretty sensitive to them so I do it for my own benefit.

I'm feeling a bit better as I'm in my favourite cafe sipping my chilli hot chocolate (my daily fix). My sister doesn't want me to take my father out for bfast tomorrow because she won't have much time with him (if she gets back tonight). I'm 100% happy with that!

To get back to H, I'm still trying to focus on my happiness without any expectations of him and watching how it eventually pans out. I love it when I catch myself and don't say something that would have annoyed him.

Wendylon, good to hear you're feeling a bit better. The jittery feeling comes and goes for me too. I think it's a general sense of anxiety given what we're going through.

Continue your good DBing, and know you have us here for support.

Sounds like a good day - chilli hot chocolate and no-guilt out from the obligation with Dad. Here we have a lot of mexican influence and there are a lot of fruit carts - they make you a little bag with fruit, jicama and cucumbers and you can have chili lime powder if you want. So good.

Anyway - keep it up. Probably feels great to have a new pattern.

Thank you, Tori and Regretful. I'm sure you're right, Tori, about the connection between anxiety and jitteriness. Regretful, I love the sound of the Mexican little bags with chilli lime powder. No such thing here.

Felt exhausted today--but not jittery.

I think having my father around has brought H and me closer. H is very involved and keeps wanting to talk about my father. It occurred to me that H is certainly attached to my extended family. I can't really see him giving that up.

This morning, H and I actually chatted for quite a long time in the kitchen. S13 had his legs draped over my lap and H said "I really like how comfortable S13 is around you physically". Earlier, I'd complimented H on how nicely he dresses S13--he chooses combinations of clothes that I'd never think of. Also, H got up early to drive D15 to a netball tournament. He's always good at driving the kids around.

We're about to watch "The Good Wife". He'll probably do his thing of rushing out of the room the second the credits roll but I won't take it personally