Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Hello! 20 year marriage teetering... (part II)

Are you sure about that? I think if you re-read your threads, you might think differently.

Without going back and re-reading myself, I can't give exact examples but Was there not points where she wanted to spend a lot of time at your house? Times where she called/texted more?

I believe the WAS peruses differently than us. They don't necessary actually presue a relationship. They just come much closer (EG spending more time, more calling, Little comments.)
then run back away.

It's been a few days, and I have to admit that W's revelation that she's still confused about things has thrown me into confusion as well. I had pretty well decided that she was done with us and what was left of my meager hope of reconciliation was about to be taken off of life support. And now I find out that while she seemed so sure and confident of her decision to end our M and so happy to be on her own, it was all just a facade concealing turmoil and confusion within. I had all but convinced myself I was ready to move on, so this has put me into an emotional spin. Nothing like BD did, but it's been confusing for me. I've had to go back to the beginning and look at this all over again. Should I finish dropping the rope? Or do I still want W? Is there hope to have a great M? Or would reconciliation just bring more pain?

As luck (?) would have it, W had to come by to pick something up from the house last night. She was standing next to me and we were talking to D16. I looked into her eyes and wow, my love for her is definitely still there. Her eyes just looked so beautiful. I don't know if she did it on purpose, but she raised her hand up and had the backs of her fingers against my arm and left them there, and her touch was like an electrical shock. Crazy. Of course she may be feeling nothing, or she may be feeling something and fighting those feelings because she's still trying to convince herself she's done, I just don't know. But I've got to give it more time. Someone please loan me some patience!!!



I think as far as the parenting-before-marriage thing goes my W was much worse about it than me. Really it wasn't just parenting, everything was placed before me as far as priorities. I was at the rock bottom of W's attention list. I know now from reading 5LL that I could have done things to get that attention back, wish I had read it years ago.



Maybe so, I just don't know whether I'm misinterpreting things or whether there really are baby steps or D/P. For example, at one point I mentioned that she called me "babe", and then did it again about a week later. At the time I wasn't sure whether it was a baby step or just accidental. Now I'm pretty sure it was accidental as it hasn't happened again (and that was over a month ago).



She's very kid-focused and yes, she has tried to find reasons to come by the house when I have the kids (did it again last night). But on the weeks that she has the kids she doesn't make an effort to see me, so I tend to think she's just trying to be around the kids more. Calling/ texting does ebb and flow, maybe it's pursuit/ distance, hard to say.



That could be. I'll try to pay more attention to see if any of that is happening. I just have to be careful that I don't get excited when I see some small sign because I have a tendency to read hope into things that may in fact not mean anything.

AS - Thanks for update, I've been wondering how you were doing the last few days regarding your W's confusion comment. I've read your entire sitch and felt like I knew where you were at; when I read about 'her confusion' I wondered how it would affect you. Sounds like it has you spinning which is exactly how I would react after everything you've done and been through.


That's awesome that you still have feelings for her even with all the detachment. Shows there still is hope. As you've told many of us on here just remember to take it VERY slow and don't try to figure her out or guess how she's feeling. What you've been doing is obviously working for you (and maybe for R) so keep at it. I know I would be reading into everything and thinking things have turned the corner and you or one of the other vets would hit me with a 2x4 but you already know that

AS, you mentioned that she comes by when you have kids because she is very kid centred. But it is the perfect excuse as well, whether she would admit it or not. Done done would not be coming around at all, kids or no kids. Sounds like some baby steps and when you get your hopes up read your quote above! LOL!!

yeah....but I have to add that AS has done a great job at detaching so good that he even fooled his other self that he was ready to move on...it has been his detachment that has brought her around in my opinion and he has to be very careful here or he will be back to square one again if he does not handle it right.

W and I talked on the phone last night. It was about an hour-long conversation, so I won't list the whole exchange, but will just try to hit the high points:

- W is not "confused" all the time, but is waffling between "confused", liking living on her own, and wanting to reconcile and come home.

- When W is wanting to reconcile, it's mainly because she thinks it might be the right thing to do for the kids.

- W knows D16 wants her to come home because D16 has expressed it several times, but actually believes S9 likes living in separate homes. S9 doesn't talk to her about it (side note, he does talk to me and he does NOT like the sitch, but I didn't tell her as I thought she'd see it as me putting words in his mouth). W thinks D18 doesn't care one way or the other (side note- she actually does and she wants W home too, but she avoids talking about it. I didn't tell W this either).

- W feels like it hasn't been enough time since she moved out for her to collect her thoughts, she needs more time. Wants to "find herself". Thinks she needs at least a few more months.

- W knows what Retrouvaille is and said she tried to get me to go to it at some point (it must have been years ago, I don't even remember the discussion). Even though I presented it not as a marriage-saving effort, but rather a way to improve our communication regardless of what happens to the M, she felt January was too soon to go.

- W says now that she isn't sure we ever should have gotten married to begin with and is not sure she ever wanted to be married (this is straight out of the WAS handbook, but this is the first time she's expressed this to me).

- W expressed that she felt like she was always walking on eggshells around me in the past and was afraid to tell me anything for fear I'd get mad. I validated this, owned my faults for making her feel that way and reassured her that the 180 I've done with that is here to stay. She did say that she felt like we were communicating better now then we ever have before. But she's still afraid that we'd go back to the old ways if we got back together.

I told W I was to the point of being done with her, moving on, filing for divorce in January and starting to date others. I told her that her actions had convinced me that she didn't care about me at all even as a friend and that when she said she was still "confused" about things that it really surprised me. I told her I'm still trying to figure out where to go from here, but that I wouldn't push for D in January. I told her that should we decide to reconcile, we'd need to take it slow and start dating first. I said that I would not even think about it unless she was committed to at least trying to make things work (y'all may recall I've said that during MC she said over and over again that she just didn't "want to try", I reminded her of this and told her I felt this was a huge obstacle to reconciliation.)

We also worked out a few things regarding S9's upcoming bday and Christmas. Overall the entire conversation was pleasant and calm.

So, not much hope there for reconciliation anytime soon, but at least I have a better idea of where things stand.



I think maybe I'm just trying to rush things a little too much. I've said over and over again that I have little patience and it's really true. She hasn't even been out of the house 3 months yet and I was ready to close the door and move on, but that's just not enough time. It seems like FOREVER to the LBS, but not to the WAS. It's frustrating, but I've just got to suck it up and wait some more.



You could be right, maybe I just don't want to get my hopes up. Maybe I don't want to recognize any positive signs because it would keep me from moving on and dropping the rope.



I agree. I'm trying to handle it in such a way that she knows there's still a possibility of reconciliation, but that I'm not just sitting around waiting for her to make up her mind. It's a tightrope walk!

I think you got some good information. Read your post several times and really take in what she said.

I have problems with impatience also. Living with the unknown is difficult but it's an illusion that we ever really know what is in store for us day to day. For me that caused anxiety and I would control in an attempt to calm that feeling.

Except for the thoughts on reconciliation I got much the same when H and I had our last R talk.

I think the important lesson here for all of us LBS's is that no matter what the WAS says, no matter what they do, there is always a bit of ambivalence in their mind. It's just not that easy to make the decision to end a marriage, especially when the LBS is doing such a fine job of DB.

To me, this means time is on the side of those who hope to reconcile. Anything that buys the marriage more time is a good thing.

I'm happy to hear you decided to give it more time, AS. Bust On!

Another thing to point out is that you should still not be believing anything she says or 50% of what she does.

So the conversation, is just conversation and nothing to believe.

There is nothing you can do or say to make this go any faster.

I am convinced that is true.

You can always end it if you choose.

Hey AS, I have kind of been in and out of the forum the last couple days, catching bits and pieces of a few sitches. So I not completely up to speed on all of them, but I wanted to point something out that may help realign a few of us. It is something you posted maybe a couple weeks ago.

It was a couple stories of people you personally knew and the amount of time it took for the WAW to want to R. Without putting a exact timeline on it, the possible R seemed to happen from 6 months to 2 years. So we are all pretty early into this, and if we truly want to save our M, patience, patience, patience. I know you were ready to push the D yourself, I am glad to see you are standing again.