Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers The green green grass of home. (Part 2 )

Okay, I'm doing everything all wrong and for selfish reasons. I don't know if this will backfire on me or not. I possibly need lots of 2x4's ?

So H called the other day asking to have the children for three weeks straight in the Christmas holidays. I said no, if he wanted them for half of the holidays, it will be a week on a week off. He asked why, ummm i thought it was kinda self explanatory.

Anyway I knew he knew I was a little upset about it. ( damn you tone of voice, still working on that one.) so I texted him and thanked him for still being in the kids lives.

Well, that was maybe three days ago now? He has been calling several times a day and texting too. He is thinking about taking the kids on a holiday and said maybe I could go too.
Well the place he is talking about is another state, that I have always wanted to take them, they have wanted to go there for a long time too. I also have never been.
I also have a few family members there, that I would love to see again.
I won't be able to afford to take them myself this year and really want to be there for their first time.
He also caught up with child support and even paid extra.
So I have been calling him back, not right away but we have been talking.

He wants to come and put the Christmas light up for the kids on Saturday and they want him to as well. He asked me of he could stay the night so he can get it done early and leave before it gets hot. I told him he could sleep on the lounge if he wanted. This was about three days ago.

So lastnight he called once again, asking me for laptop advice. He said he didn't know if he will stay on Friday because although it would be a lot easier, he didn't know if he felt comfortable with it. I also told him, I didn't know if I was comfortable with it either. He changed the subject.

Apparently now he has decided that we will be doing Christmas Day seperate.
He will be coming here today because we are talking S8 to his semi final.

He also called lastnight to ask me for the doctors phone number. He then asked if I could make an appointment for him. I told him he would be better off doing it. When the conversation ended, he thanked me for making an appointment for him, which I never said I would do. That was one way he used to control me. Well I just texted him the number and said he would be better off doing it.

I must admit that my first thought was that he was maybe getting checked for STDs. I had told him he should when he told me he had been having s.e.x with OW. He said he wore a condom, I told him they don't protect against all of them plus condoms have broken before. This was back weeks ago.

He says his back is really sore and that's why he is going. I told him not to worry about the lights then because being on the roof won't help.
He still wants to do them. I really doubt his back is the reason he is going.
He did go to the doctors maybe five, six years ago because of his back and that is the last time I remember him going. His only ever been a handful of times in the 13 plus years we were together.

So basically I have no expectations. None at all but I have picked the rope back up again. I'm still not instating anything. I have been more firm than I have been in a long time. I'm doing this for selfish reasons. One because I could use the extra money he is sending and two, I'd love to go on that holiday if it happens. Not for him but for my kids. I'd love to share that with my kids. Yeah as I said selfish.

I honestly do not even know if I would take H back. He would have to jump through hoops of fire for me to even concider it.

I think it may also be making the holiday season a little more easier on me.
Honestly I'm still thinking I will drop the rope for good after the holidays. Yep, selfish. Lol

Honestly I'm not usually selfish but right now, I feel it but I think oh well.

The problem is I don't know if I am ultimately making things harder.
I'm pretty detached. I still have a long way to go but I have also come so far already.

Yes, I know I'm letting him have his cake and eat it too but in a weird way, that's also what I'm doing too.

MIL found out about me transferring money back to him. That was the first time I have ever seen her angry at me and man was she pissed.
She told me I need to strengthen up and stop being a door mat.
She did make a lot of sense though. I did do it for the kids but ultimately, it's not up to me to fix his issues with the kids.
That will probably be one of my hardest lesions to learn. Sitting back watching my kids fall and just picking up the pieces.

So basically I'm being a doormat but I'm kinda using him as one too. That feels kinda evil. So any advice would be appreciated.

Every time I start to think H may just be a WAS and not in MLC, Bang, he goes and shows me more MLC signs. At least I think they are. Snodderly or any other vets, I would really appreciate your input. I'm on the fence about if I should just close the door already. If its a MLC, then I don't know,.,,
He came today for S8's semi final, He got here about an hour early and I couldn't find S8's shorts! He had to have them. H sat in the lounge for over an hour on his phone, while I pulled the house apart. I ended up finding them, they had fallen down behind his draws, I pulled the draw out and there they were.

He is totally addicted to his phone now. Even while S8's outage game was on he had to check and use his phone every couple of minutes.
He rubbed my head at one point. He also asked me if I can put all our photos on to a hard drive for him, He asked me to make sure I put our wedding photos on there too. Hmmm.

Anyway S8's team lost but they played really well. H tagged me and two mutual friends on a team photo on FB.
His still talking about that motorbike he wants. Apparently that will be early next year. Well he said his back was killing him. ( he definitely did not show it,) I asked him if he made that doctors appointment. He said he forgot. I said " We'll it can't be that bad if you forgot." Then his story changed to "No it was killing me but I didn't have time." Hmm, he had time to call me three times and then when I called him back an hour or so later, he had time to talk.

Oh yeah, when we were driving there he was in the passenger seat of my car and he opened my glove box and started looking through it. There's nothing much in there anyway but I said "excuse me" H said " What, I'm allowed" I said " Oh you are?" He closed it and said sorry.

So when he was going he had this huge coughing fit. He was bend over coughing and coughing. I told him that it didn't sound too good. He said "No, it's not. I'm not doing very good at the moment" I asked him why and he said that he is just not.
Then he left. Oh he did give me a long cuddle before he went. I gave him a one armed cuddle back. He didn't seem to want to let go.

He choose this, so I don't get the mixed signals. All they tell me now is that he is lost. He may even be more lost than I am.
It still hurts sometimes but I really don't expect anything at all from him anymore. Well except the money he legally has to pay.

I find when I'm around him now, I don't really feel much at all, except Maybe to show him what he has lost. I'm sure he still loves me very much. The pull of the "dark side" was just too much for him.
I now view him as a weak, sad human being.

The man I fell in love with is no more. For the first four years, until I fell pregnant with D9, he was so sweet, strong, caring and romantic. He used to write me love letters and buy or pick flowers for me. That man would have done anything for me. He would have jumped through hoops of fire for me and then some.
I remember not long before I fell pregnant, I started having panic attacks. I never understood them, so he would have had no idea.
He was there for me every step of the way. He didn't even look at other girls. He wanted to be around me all the time.

The sorry son of a Bi**h who is now living in my H's body is a coward. He is a person with very little morals. Someone who thinks they are cool because they drove home drunk. He is a sneaky, lying arse face.

Sorry for the ramble. I always do that here. I come to post a little and once I start, I can't stop. It goes totally off topic. I guess maybe its showing me it's still effecting me more than I would like it to be.

Ya. I hear ya. We are with you and you know what? I have decided to start one new tradition and we are going skating Christmas Eve (or not if nothing is frozen lolol!!). But I am sad and hopeful and sometimes strangely peaceful. Sometimes I start crying for no reason lol!! We are getting tree this Sunday and I must be joyful as we cut it down minus one H .

I want an Oscar-dammit.

What new tradition will you start? Just one, maybe a new cookie? Christmas Eve lunch in a restaurant? Come on SS

Okay- tough sitch. Wait on the holiday. Do not bring it up. Honestly, it would kill me to let kids go for three weeks, but maybe you should think about it. Personally? I would want to go to. We all love our WAS and that is why we are here. Do I think you should go? You already know the answer, because you gave it. Cadet always says our spouses give us the gift of time and he/she? is right. When he first posted I may have said a few unkind words to the post *ahem*, my apologies.

But your H needs this time and so do you. Three weeks to find you is huge. You are still defining yourself as mother and wife. You need to define yourself as SS now. Maybe it is time to live up to your name. Once the big girl panties go on, they ain't coming off. A little clarity is not a bad thing.

Take a meditation course, do some running/walking, cry, scream, yell and find out who you are.

Thanks RT.
I'm not really sure about a new tradition. The kids want to decorate their bed rooms, so I might let them do that. Maybe I could try make eggnog lol we don't have it here.
I don't think three weeks straight would be good for the kids plus his Mum said no anyway. He is living with her so,.. It will be one week on, one week off.
I won't be mentioning the holiday and I wouldn't even be surprised if I get uninvited.

I answered my own question?

I'm not a wife anymore, Not by the true sense. I'm definitely more than just a mother. I was barley home last weekend when H had the kids.

I haven't heard from H since he left here yesterday. I guess he got his "fix"

SS, anything new?

Not really CV, pretty much same old.
H was supposed to be coming over last Saturday to put the roof lights up but he didn't turn up. I wasent actually expecting him to, so I wasent disappointed at all.
Sunday we went to the beach with some cousins, we were going to meet up with another cousin who we don't know but it was so totally windy and cold down there. So we ended up just meeting for five minutes and coming back home. Lol
We ended up taking the kids to the pools instead. The kids had a ball, I actually quite enjoyed it too.
I've been cleaning through the house. Getting rid if a lot of stuff and getting all if H stuff back to him. The kids rooms are finally done.
S8 was sick on Monday, then both kids on Tuesday, so they haven been home from school sick. D9 went on Monday and got a headake, her teacher wouldn't let her go to sickbay, so ill be going in to speak to somebody about that tomorrow!
She had a temp and told the teacher five times she was not well! Poor girl got home and didn't move off the lounge.

H has been coming over a bit
Lately, just to pick stuff up etc, he hasent been staying long but he does like to cuddle hello and goodbye a lot these days.

His stopped calling much again though but I think it's easier that way.

I have been spending more time with the kids. I'm not so rushed these days. It's a lot calmer around here. I think the kids are really enjoying spending more quality time together.

I'm okay mostly. I find I'm pretty good during the day but get upset usually of a night. Probably because that's when we seen each other mostly.
It's the time of year where H is on holidays, so it's usually a really good family time of year.

I think I'm struggling with that. I cry most nights lately, it's not total sobbing like it used to be though. It's not that total devestation like it used to be, It's more like being sad about the whole sitch but not running around looking for a solution.

Honestly, I don't even know why it hurts so much. I don't want a part time husband anymore. H seems happy enough with things the way they are. He can go out and party whenever he wants. If that's the life he wants, then who am I to stop him?

We are just two totally different people who enjoyed a lot if the same things.

He is supposed to have the children thus weekend but because D has her concert on Sunday, he is not picking them up. He is going to the concert, so I don't see why he is not having them but oh well.

They are okay with it and so am I.

I really need to work something out for the nights. Once the kids are in bad and I'm finished doing stuff for the night, the pain comes back.
Christmas is coming fast. Honestly I'm just trying to get through Christmas as best as possible.

I forgot mention, something interesting happened the other day. H came here with a friend who I had never met, I think it was a work friend. They came to pick up some stuff. Anyway after they left H called and told me to drive to a certain spot, about five minutes away. He wouldn't tell me why. I was not going to go but curiosity got the better of me. So I drove and there on a round about was a sign, it had a wooden frame and a black background with letters. It said "I love you ****" obviously it was my name. Just the first name, no last name. My name is not very common. Not around here anyway.

I knew H would not have done it, he would have just seen it and called me to go and look. I ended up sending him a text saying "Are you trying to tell me something? Lol" I knew he wasn't but I wanted to see his response.
He called and said he just seen it and thought it was funny. He said it was probably from my boyfriend. I said " probably! I wonder which one"
He said " yeah, you probably have a few by now"
I didn't reply. He really doesn't know me at all if he thinks that.

I didn't think anything of it but it was a little strange.

I suspect the crying is just mourning the dream, the good things you had that you remember and realize you won't be getting. I think it's a healthy thing to do, to get it out. It's a process and might take some time. Be careful not to rush it. You need closure to go forward in a healthy way. I'm sorry, though, I know it's very hard, and probably seems like it goes on forever. It will get better in time, and even sounds like it has some already.

You do sound better in a lot of ways. It sounds like you've made some real progress in your reactions to things. I'm glad for you. Every step in the right direction gets you closer to where you need to be. I think down the road, you'll be able to look back and be amazed at what you accomplished from the start of this. I believe you're going to come out of this better than before, much better. Then you'll have to be sure not to beat yourself up for the things you can look back on!

Thanks for checking in today. I was thinking about you and just wanted to give you a big hug. ((((SS))))

(((SS)))you are so early in the process, I cried daily for a long time. It's OK as long as that's not all you do. And from the sounds of things, you're doing a lot.

The holidays can be difficult but you will get through it. Try to do some things that are different this year, things that don't bring memories of the past with H. It helps.

Definitely let the kids decorate their rooms.