Not that I'm surprised, but there aren't any commercially produced anniversary cards for my situation. Even the funny ones went over the R talk line.
Many that I WISH I could use, but none for this DB process.
The tears really welled up when I read the first romantic one. I fought them back by silently screaming BULLSH** in my head. I am not a cusser, so it seemed kind of funny. The next one, F YOU. Then on down the line of cusswords. I read every anniversary card in the store. By the time I left I was laughing about what people around me would think if they could hear what I was saying to myself as I read romantic greeting cards.
I'm just going to go back and get something blank and write it all my self.
My love letters in the past have brought her to tears, don't think I should do it up that far.
Me 46 W 43 S 21 D 18 S 17 M 22 yrs Discovered OM 9/10/12 W moved to sister's 9/15/12 W moved to OM 9/27/12 Tried to DB until 7/13 W filed 10/7/13. Did not serve. I counter filed 12/2/13.
Perhaps look for a generic card that only has a picture of a meadow, calm lake or something similar. On the inside, I believe 25 has suggested to write something along these line....."because this day is worth remembering." With your name....no "Love DM"
Me:45 ExW:48 M:04/97 3 Bombs & 2 ReCons 1st BD 11/10 D Finalized 4/20 D-16 S-14 Going in one more round when you don't think you can. That's what makes all the difference in life.~Rocky Balboa
get a blank card with a pleasant photo or drawing on the front.
And a few suggested comments are below...including what LITB said, which is a quote my sister once got
There are lots of ways to say something positive w/o being clingy or overtly having an agenda...
"It's still worth remembering"
"It's SO worth remembering"
"thank you for the years you've given our family & for bringing our children into the world"
"thank you for the years, the children, and for waking me up to what really matters"...
"To a great partner and mother, thank you"
"I'm grateful you've been in my life"...
etc
ALL positive but NOT needy-
And sign your name...do NOT say "I love you" but if you feel that you ought to say the word, then insert it as "love, h"
I normally do NOT suggest that b/c most WAS's KNOW The LBS loves them and the LBSer comes off as needy and or will then expect it in return.
But b/c you were not as loving or expressive as you should have been, by a long shot-
(not trying to rub it in but just to remind you of how you got here)-- maybe it's fine to sign it with the word subtly inserted before the name.
NOT "I love you" but just "love, h"...see the difference?
And if others disagree, by all means take their feedback into consideration.
you don't want to scare her off with your needs and expectations...IMO,
FOR NOW --TO HER.....it's HER expectations that need meeting. She went without for a long LONG time...AND Now...
She gave you a road map of what it would take for a reconciliation...I don't think OM matters to her much,
although I'm sure it seems horrible to you...but It's rare for a WAW to tell her h what she needs from him to return, and to give as much hope as she has to you
unless she means it.
She has nothing to gain by playing a game and she misses the kids like crazy. Keep the road home, paved and smooth...and do NOT escalate any argument or engage in R talk
unless she does and then LISTEN and then LISTEN some more...
What have you DONE to pursue or further any of the points along the map?
Those are things she may want to hear IF IF IF she brings it up. Don't make it a showy thing, b/c that looks tactical. NOTE these are changes you wanted to make...and you're glad you did/are...
Right?
And btw, I think the cologne choice was thoughtful, esp if she still likes it.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Everything FEELS like goodbye...to me, if not putting in hope for the future...I think that may be rooted in my tendency to manipulate. That's hard to admit.
On short break right now I want to reply and discuss more in depth later.
Me 46 W 43 S 21 D 18 S 17 M 22 yrs Discovered OM 9/10/12 W moved to sister's 9/15/12 W moved to OM 9/27/12 Tried to DB until 7/13 W filed 10/7/13. Did not serve. I counter filed 12/2/13.
25year can you come back and help me again? Sorry to ask via this thread but I feel like I am making good strides on myself but I think I need help and direction. Thx Nethamster aka PON
Pursue more work. Don't rely on the business, ever again, unless by the grace of God it surpasses income of BOTH of us again. For me to have a PMA I have to be providing at least decent support
Have amassed a small to medium wad of cash from side job and will be covering the shopping trip with it. She is most likely expecting to pay.
Pursue personal career development options rather than usual GAL. Frankly, the feel good type of GAL was part of the problem. She saw ME as having a life, while she toiled away. All my GAL was ESCAPE/AVOID shame of reality that I wasn't supporting enough. I was having EAs w/my activities.
Will complete application for tuition assistance by Friday
Contact local college for career/course counseling to get IT career started again by Friday
Solicited and got advice from franchise CEO on getting out of business smoothly.
Reach out to at least one former colleague by Friday
Pursue better R w/S, S, D. For All our benefit.
Driving lesson for S16. Less bossy with all.
Alleviate fear that things would be the same in the future RE:my pushy, bully ways by showing 180 behaviors to her, like NOT defending criticisms, but validating; and by not criticizing, judging.
DON'T mention, or allude to, or imply, or manipulate convo toward living situation, OM again. She will bring it up when the time comes.
We'll see how I do this Saturday...
Me 46 W 43 S 21 D 18 S 17 M 22 yrs Discovered OM 9/10/12 W moved to sister's 9/15/12 W moved to OM 9/27/12 Tried to DB until 7/13 W filed 10/7/13. Did not serve. I counter filed 12/2/13.
W has been quiet this week. Sunday was last conversation that wasn't just terse details. Last week she seemed much more open.
Reassure me that's just normal.
W had counciling appt today. Dying to know how it went, or IF she went. Tell me not to ask her.
The not knowing is a killer. Brain goes crazy thinking why wouldn't she call and tell me...she did plan to take a friend with her and hang out after...
I guess the topic will come up on Saturday....
Me 46 W 43 S 21 D 18 S 17 M 22 yrs Discovered OM 9/10/12 W moved to sister's 9/15/12 W moved to OM 9/27/12 Tried to DB until 7/13 W filed 10/7/13. Did not serve. I counter filed 12/2/13.
What went on with her IC is her business and if she wants to share it with you fine. But you're right, you shouldn't ask.
It seems you are assigning a meaning to what she does, without knowing the truth and then causing yourself pain over this meaning.
You're operating from a place of fear. Let it go. Remind yourself you don't know what happened or what she's thinking so why beat yourself up about it?
Let go of the fear, remind yourself that no matter what happens, you can do this.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
It is actually the MC she is supposed to see, but the action for me is the same, I guess...wait for her to bring it up.
You are right about the fear for sure.
Me 46 W 43 S 21 D 18 S 17 M 22 yrs Discovered OM 9/10/12 W moved to sister's 9/15/12 W moved to OM 9/27/12 Tried to DB until 7/13 W filed 10/7/13. Did not serve. I counter filed 12/2/13.
It is actually the MC she is supposed to see, but the action for me is the same, I guess...wait for her to bring it up.
the action for you is to work on YOU, exclusively. No "waiting for her" to do or say anything. Your life is not dependent on hers. The more you understand this and the more you GAL, the more you will bring to the table.
You are right about the fear for sure.
You must live in my hometown b/c Paul Mecurio is at the DC Improv all this weekend. He used to be a L and now does stand up comedy...how cool is that?
On Sunday it's "pay what you can" night, so you could get a few good humored friends and suggest w go along with you so it's not "an anniversary thing" so much as a good FUN night to laugh. Plus it's cheaper so if money is a concern, it might take the financial edge off it, like you "got a coupon" or something.
Make sense? Granted it is Sunday night but those shows are still good. Just less drunk.
But he's mainly a clean snappy comedian who doesn't get filthy.
Have you mentioned the anniversary to her? If so and if she doesn't react well to it,
then see if you can get AT LEAST a few others (avoid the appearance of double dating if you can-- IF she resists the 'date' idea. IF she does not resist it, then have fun...) IF she does, you can still do it, might even be better on Sunday night since not so attached to "the date"...
and have her join you in a group.
Bottom line, regardless of which night you go-
=== No pressure, no expectations, but still some shared fun time. That has to be the goal for now.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
