Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Trying really hard to be Thankful today...

Im so sad tonight...I found out through D14 that H got a part time job he has been trying to get. You see, after the court date, he has been broke...and he was trying to get a part time job with another govt contractor, but had to get it Okayed by his full time job (which is also govt) so it wouldnt be conflict of interest. There was a slim chance he would get it...but tonight he told D he got the job!

Now, he will have lots of more money and life will be easier for him. I just dont know why everything seems to fall in place for him...after all the He** he is and has caused:(

Why cant the life of the WAS fall apart?

I try to so hard to detach, but then I hear these things and it sets me back. I also wonder, why did he even need to tell D that tonight through text? Did he want her to tell me? UGGGG...

4 months ago, when H moved out, I thought for sure that by the holidays, we would be talking and maybe reconciling...and now, we dont even talk..at all! We are like total strangers...I mean, he hasnt even made ONE SINGLE baby step toward me ...nothing. No small talk, nothing...unless he needs something (like his important papers...then he has no problem emailing me for them...)

I wonder a lot of days if Im wasting my time...as much as I want this to happen for us...I just dont see him ever changing his mind:(

To me, getting a 2nd job is just running further away from me and our family...he seems to be doing anything and everything to keep himself afloat and wont even dream of just working on our marriage...he is way, way gone....

Ad, I would love to meet up and shop or maybe just get coffee? I dont have tons of money right now...due to my situation:(

SB, its hard to conclude that working two jobs, a full time and a part time will make life easier. He might have more money but he will have no time and will be physically and mentally exhausted.

I challenge you to see a pattern you have of looking at an event, assigning a meaning to it that might be a stretch, and then getting upset about that meaning. You have a full plate already I would try to train yourself to avoid this type of thinking if at all possible.

I'm very sorry you are feeling so badly and I do wish your H would reconsider, he is making a huge mistake.

Accuray

SB, do you really feel that way or are you hurt and want a little hurt to show with your H?

I understand how you feel about wanting the WAS to struggle. I am not a mean person and I refuse to allow my W and this situation to change me in a negative way. I really want her to be happy with or with out me (preferably with me). I do get frustrated and sometimes say to myself I wish... would happen to her. Yet I do not really mean those thoughts, it is out of hurt that my mind races.

I agree with accuracy, working a full and part time job is not party time. However it is a path he chose so let him walk it and try not to get sucked into his pitty party. I would rather work thru my issues and still have a life which included seeing my children, instead of working all the time. I would actually see his part time job and shake my head and say: to bad you left your family, good luck working 60+ hours a week.

right now if a mouse squeals its a negative thing for you. Your under a huge amount of stress. Try to relax, take a bath with the good smelly stuff and allow yourself to calm down. I had a beer on the beach with a cute waitress serving me (I did not hit on her) and let myself unwind a bit, it was nice. I have been reading self help books and now have stopped for a bit. I am reading for pleasure. My daughter has been after me to read The Hunger Games and I am half way through the first book, again my brain relaxes a little each time. It's hard but just try to calm down and stop analyzing every creak and groan that comes your way.

I admit, Accuray, that yes, I do have a habit of assigning meaning to mostly meaningless things and getting myself upset. Maybe not really upset, but just makes me start thinking about things. I do, in fact, have a full plate and I feel like that plate is getting fuller and fuller by the day. I ask God everyday when things will get easier? I just dont think that H will ever realize the mistake he is making...or when he does, it will be too late.

Subguy...I know how awful it sounds that I do want H to struggle. Its not my normal thought process...to wish hardship on someone...especially someone I care about. Some days are just so hard for me and I find myself struggling to be the perfect mom to my teenage girls and then be healthy and happy mom to my unborn baby. I just feel like the world is on my shoulders a lot and that he just got the easy way out...so when I hear that things go his way and that things are moving in the right direction for him, I get sad:( I hope this is normal??

I wish I could have a beer:):) I miss a cold beer on my back deck to relax! 3 more months and I can have that occasional luxury back! Gotta get this precious baby born happy and healthy first! Im telling you, its been a hard road but even harder being pregnant! I didnt get to mask my emotions like H did when he left and drank and partied. I got to be the mom that I needed to be to my kids and maybe that was Gods plan all along. They needed one sane parent, right? (Not to imply that Im a drinker or partyer anyway...just social!)

I have read so many self help books and that is that is the part that [censored] is I feel like I have a good idea of my wrong doings as well as his and its too late:( If only I had read these all before he left...maybe It could have changed things? I cant think that way though, because I really believe that he was on a mission to leave and be with OW since he met her, so I dont know that anything I could have done would have changed that.

Now that I have next to NC with H, its hard not to analyze anything that DOES happen. Example is yesterday morning...I receive a random text from him. (BTW..he has my text number now...he got it off of D's old phone that is now his since she got a new one....took me an hour to figure out how he got my new number and that is what I came up with??) His text said:

H: "I was thinking about you and the baby..Hope you are feeling well...sorry I didn't get a chance to mail support check this weekend...I will give it to you when I pick up the girls tonight"

I wanted to be happy that at least I still cross his mind sometimes but realize its probably because I'm pregnant. I just responded, "that's perfect". Its hard for me to not want to think that he still cares about me when I receive texts like that, but then he took the kids out last night and defended OW when they asked about her.

Apparently, my kids asked H if he was with the "whore" this weekend. ( I dont approve of them talking like this ever...but I guess they do what they want with him). After they asked him this he started crying...tears running down his face and said to them that they are so mean to him and that he looks forward to Wed nights when he gets to see them and that its his favorite time of the week and they treat him so badly. My D14 asked him if he realizes that he only sees them about 8 hours a month and he said he wishes it could be different. Here I go...analyzing...but I just don't get the crying? Is he crying because of them calling her a whore or crying because he is realizing his kids are so angry at him? who knows...but I thought it was weird??

They apparently continued to call her a whore the whole night if anything got brought up...like when H asked what they wanted to do with him this weekend and they both said they didn't want to see him. (its his weekend..but they have a choice to go or not) and he complained that its his weekend. They said that they don't want to come. He then asked about Sunday and they asked him if he was going to miss watching football with the whore if he sees them? He then defended her and said she wasn't a whore. I just cant imagine these conversations....my kids just don't talk that way around me. They have no respect for him.

The kids advised that we (the 3 of us) are going to the movies on Sunday and then said to him that he could join us and the 4 of us could go. He rolled his eyes and said that he doesn't like that idea. (BTW...I would not got to the movies as a family right now either...) but this made me sad because I have never, since all this happened, heard my girls even want to do something with all of us together.

I must admit I was sad for him when they told me all of this...sad that he doesn't know his kids anymore...sad that he is still crying...sad that I just don't think he knows what he wants...

I will say that I had a talk with my girls and told them that its best that they don't bring OW up at all with dad and especially by calling her a whore. I feel like this just brings attention to her while they are hanging out with him and their visits should be about them...especially since he doesnt hardly see them.

I think I just keep thinking that I will see some sign that he is curious about us....and when he texts that he was thinking of me I was a tad hopeful, but then I realize after what the kids said when they got home that it was nothing more than a meaningless text.

Do you think there are situations when maybe the WAS wants to engage and try to talk and come back but doesnt know how to do it or make the first move toward it? Im not saying this is my H now, but if he ever got there would I know he was trying? What if he is scared that Im done and moving on?

SB,

He is done and has moved on from what you had. He is afraid that you have not let go and that makes him afraid to approach you.

Ironically if he thinks that you are also done and moving on from what you had, that actually makes you "safe" and approachable again, because you won't be approaching him with expectations, angst, and blame.

That is what GAL and act-as-if are all about from the WAS perspective, to make you safe and approachable because you have your own life, happiness, and self-esteem independent completely of the WAS.

Do not fear giving the impression that you have moved on emotionally and that includes having forgiven him for everything. That's different from dating someone new, someone new is not a requirement to show you've moved on.

Accuray

I would suggest that you work with your girls to be more respectful to their dad. It probably feels good inside to know he's hearing the OW called a whore to his face; that's got to be really uncomfortable for him and he deserves it.

But your daughters are practicing being what kind of adults they're going to be now, and you need to be their role model. They can say what they feel, and should, but in a way that is respectful and without insults. He has hurt them badly, he is hardly ever seeing them, and they are mad. He should absolutely hear that. They dislike the idea of OW and the fact of OW, plus everything else about her, and have every right to say so. But they should try to do it calmly and without inflammatory language.

They want to punish H, but that is not really for them to do. Better for them to work with what they get to build the best type of relationship with him that they can. Boy does it suk and it is not fair, but there it is. It is better for them in the longrun to have a relationship with their dad even if he's being a crummy one.

I'm sorting all this out in preparation for handling the exact same cr*p with my own 14 and 12yo and I don't like it either. But you gotta do what is best for them.

You mentioned that you don't control what they do and say to him, and you shouldn't, but you should talk with them about your values and respectful language and grace under pressure.

They should know that they have ZERO control over what happens with your marriage. They probably think, or subconsciously anyway, that if they hate him or are mean and nasty about OW that will either bring him back, or make him rethink what he's doing, or at least get what's coming to him. But the result is going to be more damage to them. It's not their responsibility to defend you or punish H or anything but grow up healthy and strong, and hopefully able to weather the storm with you.

Accuray...Im not sure why he would think I havent let go...I mean, I know I havent, but from his POV I have not called, texted, emailed, pursued, or asked anything of him since before Halloween. Now, I know that isnt that long....but I have done great with GALing and NC...We have seen each other only once in that time frame.

I read so many posts on here where the WAS and the BS see each other frequently because of kids..and I wonder, if I should make myself more seen? I usually make plans every Wed night when he comes here to get the kids and he rarely sees them otherwise.

Adinva..I totally agree with you about my girls. I did talk with them last night about the way they talk to dad, but ultimately, they do their own thing. I dont think they have any thoughts that them acting that way will bring dad back. They know that dad is long gone. They just have naturally lost respect from him...they have sadly seen too much and heard too much these past 8 months and because of their age, they have formed their own opinions. I do wish that my H would talk to them more about it...maybe that would help? But because of the lack of time they spend together, it never reaches to that point. It makes me very sad, as they were very, very close to him and I still question how easy it is for him to walk away from them. I mean, me too, but honestly, I NEVER thought he would run from them also? They were his entire life...and now....not so much:( Saddens me more than anything...that he would chose to let those relationships go as well. And once again, all because he met OW. She has taken precedence over everyone and everything.

I havent been able to shake my sadness today. I think the stupid text he sent made me sad. Maybe I dont need to know when he is thinking of me...but I must say between the anniversary email and the random texting he sends, most recently with the last one, its the most civil contact we have had since he left. I just wish he was thinking of me and the baby more than once in a blue moon...I think of him still all the time and the holidays are making it worse:(

SB

I cannot understand myself sometimes. I really am a roller coaster of emotions within myself. I have such great weeks and weekends and then whoosh...a wave of sadness comes over and it has lasted many days now.

I have tried to pinpoint what has caused it..like I said in an earlier post...whether its the text he sent being nice or maybe his upcoming trip to Mexico that has been in a tizzy that he may be going with OW. He claims to my kids he is going with his uncle and their family, which makes sense, but I dont put anything by him right now. I can honestly say I would be heartbroken if he took OW on a trip right now. Regardless of who he is taking...its just another sign of his pure selfishness and total disregard for my kids and I.

Im sooo busy this weekend with lots of plans and fun stuff to do and I cannot understand why Im feeling so sad? I would think that the weekends that I have nothing to do would be harder but it seems to be the other way around. Maybe because I fantasize about him being with me at all these Holiday outings and parties.

I was sooo close to texting him today for the first time since OCt and telling him I missed him....but I didnt. It took every bit of my will power to not text him. I just want him to know sometimes that I miss him and still care deeply about him...maybe he knows? Maybe he thinks I have moved on emotionally since I have been every distant since Oct?

Maybe I just need to stop thinking about it and have fun tonight??

I just cannot get over the OW and that he chose her over his family:(

And we focus on what we fear. It won't take much for him to believe you haven't let go.
I mean, you haven't really either?

A common problem is lack of communication, which is why you need to set an example for your children.
Teach them how to communicate better with H.
If they don't want to see, talk about or hear about OW, then they let him know. But not by calling her a wh*re and being mean.
Communicating in a healthy way doesn't = giving in or letting people walk all over you.

And about the job and you feeling sad.

My X got a new second, or even maybe third job. As well as a nice appartment. I'm actually happy for her.

The way I see it
WAS can party all WAS want or do what WAS want, I'm set on doing what -I- want, WHEN -I- want. I hope I can live up to that.

Their actions shouldn't control how WE live OUR life.

And maybe they need to get their life on track before even being able to consider a life with us in it.
If we would ever consider R, I surely wouldn't want it to be b/c my X's life was a mess and she couldn't handle it without me.