First off sorry for any typos since I can only use my phone at this moment.
I thought about consulting you guys first. I see I have 3 options right now:
1) start sleeping in s13s room there's an extra bed there;
2) ask w if we could divi up the MBR again;
3) keep trying to contain myself and continue to sleep together.
A little background, I was doing so well not to ML for about 3weeks now up until this morning. I was doing good until I start dreaming that I was ML to my W just like the old days, it seemed so real. And so I woke up caressing her, she pushed me and I begged and she finally said "ok just do it" in an angry tone. Yep you heard it, I begged the major no-no in DBing.
Yes now that's its done I feel crap, low, cheap you name it. How can I protect my W to the monster me? I have such a high sex drive that's even haunting me in my dreams! Is there any herbs to kill this drive? When I don't get this I feel cranky, depress, sad...
This is the one thing that's really pushing my W at this moment because she doesn't feel anything for me. I understand that but how come I keep thinking about it? And I know this goes back to my failing to detach.
How bad is it really to move out of the marital bed? Is this gonna impact any custody battles in case of a D?
Yes feeling really sh!tty right now send me your 2x4's I need to read something that will go through my stupid brains.
Right now I feel that I won't do it again and then in 3-4 days the cycle comes back again...I dread me going to this cycle. Definitely an issue I will bring up to my IC.
But what about you guys any insights on this? And your thoughts on my options above?
Newman
me40; W43 M18; T~20 D18; S13 & S3 bomb 5/9/11 EA busted 4/30/12; 9/4/12; 4/29/13; 6/10/13 same OM
Separated 4/1/14
"Even a flicker of light will shine through darkness-12/25/2012"....better days ahead.
I didn't see this option 4 coming but W left the MBR to d17's room. I guess I deserve this. Looks like I'll be sleeping solo from now on just right before Christmas too.
It seem like when there's an occasion I get a bomb. ILYBINILWY couple of weeks b4 my bday, I found out the EA a year later sometime around my bday and now this, days b4 Xmas . I'm just venting the sitch.
DETACH NEWMAN DETACH!
Newman
me40; W43 M18; T~20 D18; S13 & S3 bomb 5/9/11 EA busted 4/30/12; 9/4/12; 4/29/13; 6/10/13 same OM
Separated 4/1/14
"Even a flicker of light will shine through darkness-12/25/2012"....better days ahead.
Cr@p I just can't sleep. My thoughts are just spinning.
So thinking out loud, how the option of possibly shifting the sitch in 2013. The other consideration is asking my W not to bring OM on the days she stays with the kids at home or never let that OM near my kids. I honestly think I'd blow a gasket if that POS ever gets near my kids...at least that's how I feel right now.
I have a feeling if we separate she would be in the arms of the OM, that's not really fine with me but nothing I can do about that. But can I effectively set a boundary that under NO circumstances OM gets near my kids? And what kind of non-violent action can I make?
I wonder if I should keep going with this at least I get to see my kids everyday. But then it goes back to what kind of example of this marriage to our kids?
me40; W43 M18; T~20 D18; S13 & S3 bomb 5/9/11 EA busted 4/30/12; 9/4/12; 4/29/13; 6/10/13 same OM
Separated 4/1/14
"Even a flicker of light will shine through darkness-12/25/2012"....better days ahead.
So I noticed for the past month my W's been using her laptop more than usual. She usually watching t.v. and the same time watching you tube videos. That's all I've noticed so far. But can you really watch two things at the same time. I know I can't, and I'd loose my focus on one but that just me.
I'm still working on my trust issues with her but can't help it think that she's communicating with OM. I've been sitting on this for a while now because I don't want to focus on this.
But last night when I walked in the bedroom I saw her using her laptop I ignored and played it cool but all of a sudden as i was walking out, she's like are you going to bring s3 in his crib? Now I know there's nothing wrong with that question but the way it was delivered and that it was such out of the blue. It felt like she was trying to stir my mind off suspicions. I know my W and that was unusual.
Should I confront her and ask her why she's spending lot of time with her laptop? Or do I wait for solid proof of her communicating with OM?
me40; W43 M18; T~20 D18; S13 & S3 bomb 5/9/11 EA busted 4/30/12; 9/4/12; 4/29/13; 6/10/13 same OM
Separated 4/1/14
"Even a flicker of light will shine through darkness-12/25/2012"....better days ahead.
I just happened to read this and had to comment. I'm on my laptop and watching TV all the time. Even watching Homeland, I can be on my laptop.
I can also see looking up from my laptop and asking a seemingly random question because I've been thinking about it the subject, while also doing another activity.
You're doing a lot of mindreading.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
Hey all just wanna wish everyone a merry Christmas!
Today I just wanna be humble. And told my W I'm sorry if I ever made her neglected all those years. She wished me merry Christmas in return. I gave her a little hug and she reciprocated.
We opened presents and seem like she will keep the purse I bought her.
I took the lead then and ask that we all to go to church. We all went. Was really great because we haven't really gone to church since s3 was born. And the usher ask d17, s13, and myself to do the offering. It's a Catholic Church and if you are not familiar, this is part of the mass when after the collection of money, the host (symbol body of Christ), the wine (blood of Christ)and money basket is taken to the priest. We got selected out of all the people there. I was really flattered and thinking to mysel, how did you know the pain in my heart.
I felt that God reached out to me today. The gospel that the priest touched on is about being in the dark weather in marriage or kids, or jobs. And the analogy of in the past few weeks preparing for the birth of Christ, there were some masses, possessions and prayers that are in the dark because it was at nigh. But despite being in the dark, that even a flicker of light overcome darkness in the possession on the dark streets. Priest was referring to "posadas".
That really touched me. Kind of how my life is right now, I'm in darkness and I feel that if I let it to high mighty above, he will shine me that light and guide me.
I'm not a super religious person but today was somewhat "miraculous". And I really felt some strength to keep going.
Lots of positive signs today. Perhaps a flicker of light in my darkness.
Newman
me40; W43 M18; T~20 D18; S13 & S3 bomb 5/9/11 EA busted 4/30/12; 9/4/12; 4/29/13; 6/10/13 same OM
Separated 4/1/14
"Even a flicker of light will shine through darkness-12/25/2012"....better days ahead.
Been a while since I posted. As the days went on, I find it less and less to post. Especially that the sitch feels stuck in limbo. I still read on this site though to find gems that applies to my sitch.
I'm posting today because I really need the strength to give this a few more months perhaps.
Like I mentioned, the sitch feels stagnant, feels like its not moving anywhere. My W still doesn't feel any love for me. The affair fog is too thick i think. She says she cut all contacts with him but I have my doubts. She's trying though to get back the feelings for me but her actions doesn't really support that. I think her way of trying is being with me. She is there physically but her spirit, mind and heart is not. I don't know, it's hard to explain.
So I'm really contemplating on shifting the sitch. Somewhere I read on here about parallel paths. I think Denver said it early on my sitch that W needs to follow her path.
I hate to admit this but I think, I have to let her go. And to really go our separate ways and if really meant to be, we will find each other again.
It just feels like I'm caging her to be in this marriage. I feel she has to stick it out only because of the kids and her sister advise her to. I believe she has to come back on her own to really commit to our marriage.
Don't get me wrong the sitch have some positives. But for the most part it's still the same as when she dropped the INILWY bomb back in May 2011.
So the only undecided part is to drop the rope in January 2013 or wait for the 6 months since the last EA in March 2013.
Maybe in those 2 months something magical will happen?? I keep waiting for this though and nothing happens, it's been almost 2 yrs now.
So what have I done? I've 180 my a$$ off, I know I could've Gal more but there was always something to do in our weekends. My GALs were with my kids and exercising. I've focused on myself and the kids. The other day my W even mentioned that I've become the husband she'd always wanted--but her tone was a little too late. This is the best I've become, anything more will be fake. I've become a better man and better dad. I truly believe this and the changes are real, but a better husband? I don't know because i haven't given a chance.
Detaching, well I've failed in detaching. I thought I did but last 2 days proved I'm still not detached.
I could use your 2x4s here if I'm making a big mistake. But from what I've read on successes here, some major shift had to happen before anything changes in their sitch. Like in Denver's sitch, up until he was done and ready to really move on that the sitch changed. And Sandi, she had an epiphany and found this site and the support she found here helped lift the fog.
I realize that this separation might push my W to OM, or she might never come back. I really don't see any difference because that's how it feels now. I spend a lot of time with the kids, I go out with them hang out with them in the house. W practically spent the thanksgiving holiday shopping. She cooked thanksgiving dinner and she joined us sat for dinner. And for the most part I was alone with the kids. I love it though and they are the reason that keeps me going.
Yesterday W and I spoke a bit of the sitch, and somehow I ended up saying this is not a marriage and she agreed. Her demeanor is close to what someone would've done when one have given up and on this case on her happiness and she's just stuck in this M. The problem is that she truly believes this, and that she truly believe that she missed out on her chance for happiness.
Part of the DB process is to try something different right? If what is being done is not working, try something else...I feel like living in the same roof is not working. We've been at it since 2011. I'm still here with W in the same roof, I'm still the blame, she's not having the opportunity to miss me and the family. I think I have to remove myself from her so she will realize its not all me to blame.
I feel like even if she turns around now and commit to our R, wouldn't she have that thought in her head that she missed out on OM or the happiness of being single and not tied down to anyone? I mean for how long can she commit? So in couple of years she's back in his arms??? Is there a success here where the couple stayed in the same roof and salvage the marriage?
That's why I think she has to go on her path to find out if the grass is really green on the other side and if she chooses me then great. Will I take her back? I don't know, I guess it will depend on how bad she wants to be back.
I feel like I'm stopping this change that has to happen. I could be wrong in all of this but at this moment this is how I feel I'm just being honest.
It would've been easier if I can just live in a loveless marriage for the kids. But even that, what kind of example is that showing the kids about love? Now they see me and W with no affections, no love--what kind of an example is that? In their future lives, I hope we haven't mess them up on their future relationship.
Well this is a mess! How did this happen?! But here we are. I'm waiting for a miracle, a sign from God. I pray for all of us here in our sitchs. This place is sad but at the same time heaven sent for people who are willing to help. I thank you all!
DB might've not save my marriage, but it sure did saved me.
So sorry for the looooong post..and if my thoughts are all over the place.
I appreciate your thoughts and thanks for reading.
Newman
Update:
So I was contemplating this^^^^^ about a month ago. And yesterday it was finally clear to me that I need to move on.
The last couple of weeks I noticed my W been really being rude and disrespectful to me. Every time I would talk to the kids she's always on my case and just disagreeing.
My 180 is to validate her points but not necessarily agreeing with her. These are minor little things but it was wearing me down.
So last night we went to church and dinner. My W has sent out such a negative vibe that the kids were not enjoying our time together. And made me realized that the past weekend my W has her own agenda to go to places and I was spending time with the kids and the kids were well happy. I'm sure the kids was happy with W when I'm not around. So I figured she can't be happy if I'm there. I have to remove myself.
I thought about this last night and this morning I had a long talk with my W. I'm not going to touch every detail but it was similar to the talk above^^^^.
Only this time I'm ready to move on and I added that we have to sell the house since we can't afford to pay rent and mortgage if she were to move out unless she lives with her mom. But I also mentioned to her that my offer still on the table and that I want to do some time with her going out, dinner, movies...just to give us a chance.
I validated her feelings as well, I didn't agree but for the most part I said I understand how she feels and it must be hard for her. And I thanked her for waking me up and pointing out my faults and that I've learned so much during this last 2 years. I apologized to her again for all these faults that made her feel neglected. She said I don't have to apologize since its her fault that her feelings changed.
I also noticed a lot of contradictions in her feelings this time around like one point she's saying 18 years of unhappiness to "not really" unhappiness. You know the typical WAS script.
So I'm ready if we sell the house and go our separate ways. I realized she was not respecting me anymore. And I don't think 2 more months or 1 more year would make a difference anymore, because the respect is gone. Walking all over me, perhaps it was unconscious, but there's just no way I will be a part of a relationship like that as much as I love her.
Ugh I really need to talk to a lawyer, just to know my rights.
So she's on her way out because her mom is sick. She invited me out to go to the casino and I said I have to work tomorrow and she said we'd be back soon--so I said OK. Even gave me a hug on her way out.
So is this mean she's on board to give it a chance? I don't know. I'll take it one day at a time I guess...It just her actions are so confusing.
I'm ready either ways.
Newman
me40; W43 M18; T~20 D18; S13 & S3 bomb 5/9/11 EA busted 4/30/12; 9/4/12; 4/29/13; 6/10/13 same OM
Separated 4/1/14
"Even a flicker of light will shine through darkness-12/25/2012"....better days ahead.
