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I've been thinking about things. Like when we first got together. I was working out then. Best shape of my life. Other gitls warned her that i was just a flirt and a player (not exactly true but i did love go flirt). Definitely got relationship gut(both of us) after a while. I also used go read men's health and was more cognizant of my style. While trying to always bend to get wants I also let my wardrobe go lax.

Comments she's made about me going go buy new clothes I always rebuffed because I couldn't afford it. I couldn't afford it because I was ignoring my need to dress nice and her need to be with a nicely dressed man in order to pay for her wants that I just should have said no to.

I guess what i'M saying us that I'm going go address my wardrobe. Make a list and build it up on the cheap and over time with a more timeless classic style. Way back when I used to model my attitude after Cary Grant. Even Cary Grant wanted to be as smooth as Cary Grant.

Its obvious to me now that she was trying to get me to dress better and take better care if my appearance. The crap that just doesn't sink in until its too late, huh?

Be the change

You live in the same house, you're going to MC (right?) Get her a small non-personal gift.

You sound like you're a "Nice Guy" and did all these things for your wife to make her happy and now you're resentful. I understand that but that's also where your work is going to be.

You got something out of that arrangement or it wouldn't have continued for as long as it did.

How did you benefit?

my benefit came from short term happiness and avoidance of confrontations. I also think I expected that I would be able to continue not talking about my needs that they would somehow magically be filled.

Basically I think I pacified wants so I didn't have to deal with my feelings about stuff. I have never felt comfortable or deserving of moving my needs up the list in the relationship department. I think I expected unfairly her to just know. Low self esteem? Fear of rejection? Whatever it was i realized that's not how I wanted to live life and why I came clean about the money. I had to start taking care of myself and my business. I already feel more confident and know that the job starts with me.

It sometimes seems like when I talk about other stuff, like ask her about her work (without talking about other dude...acting like he doesn't exist essentially) we can gave pretty normal conversations. I'm trying to be a more active listener when she talks. When anyone talks for that matter. I've always been a take in the information even if it is coming from three places at the same time. I can see how that seems like divided attention to someone.

I feel like when taking these hard looks at myself I feel while there I'd a lot of good in me, there is a lot that can be improved. How do you not overwhelm yourself? Make a list of the things? I feel like I am going through a lot emotionally from her but also now from me. I just don't want to drop something important I guess.

So cleaning up my desk and found a receipt under a pair of gloves that show she and him had dinner last month. Is the divorce busting response to this to just throw it away and move on? I mean I know she is "seeing him as a friend" still.

I feel like confronting her about this will just put us in that same argument loop where she will say her relationship with HIM is not why or marriage is broken (which I agree, but I still say there is no fixing the marriage of two people with three people being involved). Since that is my instinct, I feel it must be the wrong choice.

I also thought about just leaving it on the desk that is clean. She'd see I've seen it. I think that may be passive aggressive though.

I feel like the communication we have had has been positive and I want to build on that. Should I just throw it away and move on? I feel like that'd be fairly detached (letting go of "the evidence").

Please help. I don't want to screw up.

no one has been in a similar situation?

sigh. I'm throwing it out. I don't know what her intentions were leaving it lying around (if she had any at all) and I know the fight is still the same right now, she's not giving up her "friend" and I've made it clear that I find that hurtful (as recently as counseling). Since she isn't actually making any intentions toward trying to repair things between us, all I'll be doing is fighting another un-winnable fight in the same old way I always have.