Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Trying really hard to be Thankful today...

I thought I would start a new forum, as my last one is getting long!

I woke up today feeling sad but have been able to still sit with my girls, watch the Macy's parade on TV and read all the Black Friday ads! I have gone shopping on Black Friday for years with my best friend, and its a tradition that I will continue tomorrow morning at 4am! We are NOT die hard, but its just the beginning of the Christmas season for us and we love it!

I have thought and repeated in my head this morning all the things I have to be thankful for. I mean, Im the one sitting with my kids watching the parade, Im the one who has a baby boy on the way and Im the one who will be surrounded by a wonderful family today. My girls and I are in perfect health and I have a beautiful home and wonderful friends. But why, cant I get the thought of H out of my head???

These past 2 days have been hard ones. Back to back, 15 year anniversary yesterday and then Thanksgiving today.

H took out D14 last night for dinner, D11 didnt want to go. Because he only had the older D, he did his usual, talking to her like she is an adult. Talked about lots of things....and some were, in my opinion, inappropriate. Anyway, when she got in the car, she said she started crying and he started talking to her about why. She told him our family is falling apart and of course, his response was, no, its not. He asked her what she was thankful for and she said she doesnt have anything to be thankful for this year and he started crying too. So, I guess they both were crying on the way to the restaurant.

They discussed OW some, and he said that his personal relationships have nothing to do with them (the girls) but D expressed that she wished that OW would die. H responded that its not OWs fault and that he pursued her. H also told D that he feels guilty about what he did to me. (really? He feels guilty...he sure doesnt act like it...flaunting it front of us). D asked him what he was doing for Thanksgiving and asked if he would be in town with OW...H said he wasnt...but everything he says is a lie. OW lives about 30 seconds from my grandmother, and that is where we will be. Its sad to me that he will probably spend his dinner with OW and her kids and family.

Other things were said, like D told H that he should ask me about baby (these are all things she comes up with...not me...) and he just said NO. I guess he really doesnt care about his baby...either that or he cannot stand to realize that its real and we do have a baby coming. He also talked about his first sexual experience with her (in a way that he was trying to advise for her to wait...and to be in love first) and he told her that his first was when he was 17 and the woman was married and was 40. I DONT KNOW WHY HE TOLD HER THIS. He told her she needs to not worry about sex until she is married, etc....

Well, D responds that she things its awful weird that all his current friends and his only past lover (besides me) were all way older than he and she suggested that maybe he was looking for a mom figure. H said that no one has ever told him that and maybe she was right. H told her he was disturbed as a kid and that is why he did it. Well..guess what...you are disturbed now too! He also told D that things were not good between us for longer than when he left. Once again, I had no idea and if that was the case, he should have told me and we could have fixed things. NO excuse for the affair.

Anyway, I went to bed last night with all this on my mind. I just wish he wouldnt talk to her about these things and just talk like a normal 14 year old and his daughter. He did tell her that she has seen too much for her young age...ya think?? UGGGG...anyway, he is coming by here today to apparently give them money or something? DOnt know why he needs to see them today, he was here last night??? I cannot see him, I think it may ruin my day, especially since its an emotional one for me:(

He always thinks that money will make it better with them...gifts and money. He even had the nerve to tell D last night that she should make up her relationship with his parents because they have money??? I mean, really, is that whats important here? Money? D says he is bitter about money with me and made numerous comments about how he pays me a lot and that I have "money floating around" !! I WISH!!

Does this sound like this man is severerly confused to anyone? I always want to believe that he is confused, crazy and in a total fog...am I just looking for things? I mean, one minute he is crying, then he is having a mini counseling session with D, who is acting like therapist, and then he is laughing by the time they get home??

He did yell up to me last night (upstairs) Hello and how I was feeling...he must have felt a tinge of sadness (or guilt) that it was our anniversary. Although, D said he told her that he was sad that it was our anniversary...

We will be heading to my grandmothers in a few hours for a feast, and I am thankful I have her and my family so close to celebrate! I just miss H so much today:( It will NOT be the same without him and apparently he told D that he will miss being with us too. (I just dont believe a word he says right now...he is a liar...)

I guess the "firsts" are the hardest when you have a breakup..


Happy Thanksgiving to all...

SB

Hey SB, just reaching out to hug you and let you know that I think the convo with D was a little inappropriate as well. I know D means well, but when she says "he said" you have to also filter it through the lens of kids just wanting their lives back. We all know that we often put out own spin on things; ask 5 different people what they heard in a conversation and you will get five different answers

Hope your Thanksgiving went well. (())

You might want to write down what your D told you, if he gets more into his "love" life it may be protecting her to have the visits in a more controlled environment.

He has inappropriate boundaries with his D.

Would he do family counseling with her?

I agree SB, the conversations H is having with D do not seem appropriate. He may not see it...maybe he thinks by being 'open' she will understand more and stop questioning things...??? who knows.

I agree with Bug.

I hope you are doing well today SB. (((( ))))

Thanks for the well wishes friends! I am noting everything down that D and H talk about that she tells me. I also write on here too, so I have notes everywhere:)

My Thanksgiving was nice. It was a nice time at my grandmothers with my family and of course my girls. My oldest had a really hard day yesterday that ended with a meltdown of tears. I was very compassionate, as always, and even though she was taking a lot of her anger out on me and refused to shop the late night sales, I told her that I understood. It was hard for me that she didnt want to spend time with me because she was angry at her dad:( Im hoping this will get better for her as time goes on??

She had a very hard time with H not being there for dinner. I amazingly, was not affected much with his absence...probably because of the distraction of family, but she asked to leave numerous times and said it was just too sad and was crying. I felt sad for her...as she doesnt deserve this.

H did come by yesterday to our house before we left for grandmas and he brought the girls a card (NEVER HAS HE EVER BOUGHT THEM A CARD SINCE THEY HAVE BEEN BORN) and gave them $20 to go shop with. He was here about 10 minutes and during that time I came downstairs and saw him for the first time since court. I came down with a smile, all dressed for Thanksgiving and of course, my belly sticking out...since I am 6 months pregnant! He hasnt seen me or my belly, so he said "wow" and he reached out and laid his hand on my stomach. I immediately, but not meanly, sidestepped and then proceeded to put my own hands on my belly and said "yeah, he's a big boy in there!" I looked him straight in the eye the entire time I talked to him and he kept looking down at my stomach...he asked if the baby was kicking a lot...first time ever he has actually asked about baby and not just how IM feeling. The girls were standing there too...and it was a tad ackward for us all. I didnt mean to move so quickly when he touched me, but I was not expecting him to be so quick to naturally touch my stomach....I was caught off guard.

I have to say, that while talking to him for those few minutes, I swear that I saw emotion in his eyes and I think that it was maybe hard for him to see me, my belly, our kids and him all together in the kitchen on Thanksgiving day. I could be wrong, and Im not reading into anything at all...but I know he was a tad sad. I started to finish my appetizer I was making, so my back was towards him by now and he left and just said bye to me and gave the girls hugs and kisses. As soon as he left, my oldest ran to her room and bawled...that is what started her crying and upsetness for the day.

I really thought that him coming by would upset me the most and ruin my day, but I was fine. It was my D that was affected and now she claims she isnt going to grandmothers for Christmas because she will never get through that day if she cannot get through Thanksgiving:( I was sad for her. She kept saying that she knew he was with OW and her family and I just said to her that if he was, we had to remember that we were with 20 people who genuinely love and care about us and that if he was there with OW that those people don't know and love him...so we are the lucky ones.

She is better today and she went to stay the night at my cousins house which as good for her. My youngest is at a friends and I have to admit, that I have spend my entire night crying over H. I went out today and did great shopping with my bestfriend....we got lots done and we were up at 4am and got home about 3pm...so my feet and back were tired!!! I was fine today except for the occasional glance in the store mirrors and thinking that no wonder he left me for OW... my self esteem is in the toilet right now since he said all those mean things to me weeks ago. I know I need to move on from that, but its hard and of course, Im pregnant!!! I also hated seeing all the couples together, shopping for their kids and most people happy and in the spirit. I tried and we did have lots of laughs today, but as soon as I got home and walked into my empty house, I sobbed....and I Havent stopped:(

I just have had one of those "woe is me nights" and cant stop thinking about how he can do this to me and us...why I wasnt worth it? Does he know the anguish and hurt I feel inside? He will never know, because I dont let him know..but I just feel like Im dying inside sometimes. I have to admit, that I really think I need to be back on my AD, but I cannot do that until after baby because I dont want to risk the babys health. I was on for my anxiety and I think that is why I cannot stop obsessing about what he is doing and WHY??

Anyway, Im glad I got out today and got some presents bought! We are decorating for Christmas tomorrow...getting tree up and I collect nativity scenes, so its always a pleasure getting them all out and around the house. My house always looks so beautiful during the holidays. I know that it will be hard tomorrow to decorate the tree without H and to hang one less stocking too...but I also know that he is the one missing out...and Im here getting to enjoy what we can with my girls during this hard time. He only has OW to enjoy it with...it must be a lonely life. I hope that the girls and I can smile, laugh, listen to Christmas music and enjoy our decorating tomorrow....that is my goal for the day!

I was reading under the MLC discussion about how holidays are hard for the MLCer or the WAS. Im not so sure that H is MLC...but regardless of what he is, I think that its true..the holidays will probably be very hard for him to not be here and celebrating all our family traditions. I must say, he was very nice yesterday when he came here to say Happy Thanksgiving...not happy or anything, kinda somber, but nice.

One of my very first goals when I started writing them down when H first left, was to be in a better place by the holidays. I havent achieved that goal, because I dont know that I have made a lot of progress..but I do know that I understand a bit better about what he is going through and his possible feelings and reasons..and that he is unfixable...and I have all of you on the board to thank for that. For helping me see that Im not alone, ever...even tonight when I feel so lonely and sad.

Thank you for all your hugs, advice and concern!

SB you say H is "unfixable". Not your job to fix him. And you can't. You can only fix you. There is nothing more beautiful than a pregnant woman. It is very important to take care of yourself and the kiddos. I know how hard it is to not focus on the sitch. It probably consumes most of your days? Put it aside until March so the baby is happy and healthy. Hard to do I hear ya. Just try.....

I don't like the way he communicates with D. I think he maybe acting as the "Christmas parent" others are welcome to chime in. My exw spent lots of money on my D while going through this. Not uncommon.

SweetBriar,

Just wanted you to know I was thinking of you here.

I can't imagine what you are going thru emotionally, esp being pregnant! Take care of yourself & continue to surround yourself w people who love you.

Will I ever wake up and NOT think of him? Will it ever get better? OMG...I just want to wake up beside him again and know that we are working on us.

Wishful thinking this morning...I just want him to love me again and not love OW

Sad this morning...

SweetBriar,
I also wanted to add that I think it was good that your H saw you & your pregnant belly. You can bet that will be on his mind more & more!

I understand the longing you have to have your H next to you loving you the way a H should...we ALL do here...that's WHY we are here.

HOlidays are no doubt going to be hard but you made it thru this one...I would like to offer a goal to make it memorable FOR YOUR KIDS. And, if it is miserable for your H/ and mine, then GOOD! They DESERVE to miss their family-it was their decision to NOT be part of the family, so they need to live this out.

Keep on DBing and taking care of YOU. <<<<HUGS>>>>>

Yes, absolutely. I know it doesn't help you much now, but it DOES get better. I used to get up every morning thinking about W, now I get up thinking "time to get ready for work already?" Just like pre-BD, haha!



I remember that early on, just wishing W could be there in bed. You wake up next to someone for over 20 years and then they're gone, it's an adjustment to be sure! But this too gets better. I don't even think about it anymore, it's my bed and I sleep in it alone, no biggie.