Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers He's Just Not That Into You - The Sequel

I'm glad that you seem to be making progress and realizing that your H still has a ways to go. The fact that he is going to MC says something, as well as his story changing. He is working through his issues with you as you go through the process.

Just remember that you should be looking to start a new M with him, not to revert to how things were pre-bomb. You want to start fresh.

Wendy - we LOVE Downton Abbey! It has become quite the sensation here in the US. My H said, "It's like porn and crack for Anglophiles." I worked with the BBC for years in my last job so I definitely have a soft spot for that stuff.

Anyway,


This is a great perspective and I will try to remember it always.

I wish, however, that he were in that place. Last night I was looking at some photos from earlier in the year and I came across some of him and the boys hanging out with some friends of ours on our trip to NY in May. I didn't go to see the friends and I couldn't remember why, so I asked H why I wasn't there. He said in an angry tone, "You were SHOPPING, remember?"

Honestly, I didn't remember that part of it, and he never expressed any sort of disappointment or anything that I didn't join him and the boys, and we never discussed it. It was like just asking him the question made him feel the feelings all over again, whereas I had no recollection of the event at all. Talk about coming from two different perspectives. Kind of weird but I guess this is what I can expect. Random angry outbursts.

Tonight I tried something different. Instead of spending the evening watching TV with H, I put on a pair of short shorts and left the room. Instead of giving him a hug, I just touched his foot and said goodnight.

Then I went back in to get a little lip balm and he started chatting with me, but I kept it short.

I think I have to build up a little demand now that we're back on somewhat of an even keel...

Also, H and I were discussing my job tonight and what a great situation it is. He said something like, "It's nice that you're not stressed out all the time now" - which means he's noticed a change in me!

^^^^nice !

I am glad he is noticing

This is neither here not there, but H had a flat tire yesterday am. He didn't bother to change the tire or call the auto club. He just said, "oh, it's not really flat, I'll just put air in it."

Well the day goes by and he does nothing, and by this morning, it was really flat. So he had to change the tire in the pouring rain. He actually admitted to me that he should have taken care of it sooner. I was proud of myself for simply mentioning it and not nagging him. Of course, he could have called AAA and they would have changed it in the rain for free.

As long as it doesn't impact me or cost money, probably best to just stay out of it and let him deal with the consequences.

Sounds like some good things happening. He's noticing your changes and your "not nagging him" and letting him deal with stuff. Keep up the good work.

I had my IC session today, which was not nearly as exciting as usual since we had no drama this week.

The one thing I decided was that I'm not going to allow ML if I can't sleep in my own bed. I think that's a pretty fair trade off. H does well on a once a week schedule, but can go without for a fairly long while... unfortunately I have never been able to use sex for leverage with him. So I'm not sure it will work this time either, but my IC advised it to phrase it such as "I'm not comfortable with ML and then having to go sleep in the other room."

MC asked me if I was prepared to tolerate some limbo for a while and I told him I thought it was the only way out of this.

Maybe so...but at some point, forgiveness (on all sides) MUST occur, for a marriage to be more than merely tolerable. For your sake, & his, & your children's. thst ought to be the goal...

staying together AND staying miserable, seems like the worst choice, to me.

H states that he has never felt heard, especially around OM1. This is aside from the garden variety steamrolling, selfishness, nasty tone, shaming and general disregard for H's feelings. I guess I can see why H is not clamoring to get right back in the saddle at this point. Things just have not been good for a long time.


Is that one reason that a mediocre marriage, as a goal, might seem acceptable to him/you?

What was your marriage like, at it's very best?

H also states that he has a fundamental distrust of me, that he thinks I have an "agenda." Not sure what he means by that or why, because I am not a game player.

the OMs + his abandonment issues from his mother???


One thing we do agree on though: neither one of us wants an acrimonious D, and neither one of us really wants to break up the family.--. My perspective is that IF we don't want to break up the family, THEN the solution is to fix the M.

Clearly ^^^^this is the healthier perspective...BUT it requires HIM to forgive, which is the one thing HIS "perspective": really does not do...

H's perspective is that he doesn't want to break up the family, but isn't willing to commit to fixing the M. H's perspective is that nothing seems like a good option at this point. He is much less willing to jump in with both feet to try to repair the R,

are you SURE HE wants a LOVING relationship w/you? I have a neighbor who wants to stay m to her h, though he had an affair (long ago, btw)...she has not forgiven him and is NOT interested in doing so...

So I have to wonder why She says she wants to "keep the family intact", esp since the youngest will leave for college soon.
I almost believe she wants to stay married to punish him more (NOT necessarily consciously)-- but she won't let him go or support a divorce AND yet she won't forgive him either. What kind of life is that to live?

So when you say you "both want the same outcome", I have to ask how on earth he can SAY he wants a loving intact family, and mean, a "loving MARRIAGE" and yet not believe that he'll have to DO something towards that end?

Maybe he's okay making you suffer some more, and I happen to think there are mommy issues there. She isn't around for him to punish for leaving, but you are, and you did make a mistake so he's got an excuse now...

I'm not a shrink so of course, I could be way off....but you've been here awhile doing a lot of self flaggelation, and he's held that "A" over your head for some time....a really long time. When is HE going to let you out of limbo?

OR can you maybe get yourself out of it?


although we both want the same outcome - a loving relationship and intact family.

I see this^^^. Has HE SAID this???

The MC said that at some point H may be ready to see my side of it, but not now, and so we're going to have to drop that part of it for the time being. He may never get there.

if he never gets there, are you willing to be treated like this indefinitely?

If so, why? Down deep, is that what you believe you deserve, forever?




A few other small bits of good news:---Finally, we spent some time together watching TV last night. At one point he leaned over to get his back rub.

that IS a positive, although a one sided one...is it ever reciprocated?


I continue to hold that this is good quality time together, but he says it's all superficial and has nothing to do with the way he feels about our R. I say that's a lot of hogwash, since if he hated me, that would not be happening.

SIGH...

let's NOT FIGHT about the meaning of affection...

Why are you pointing it out? That's sort of a "rule breaker" from the newbie's section.

It's your way of pointing out that things are 'getting better' and he's SO not ready to admit anything positive. Plus it shows your expectations, and that MAY seem like you have an agenda when you show him affection.

Besides, it's not necessary to SAY anything about this, is it really? Let it happen. Let him feel it without thinking you are seeing it as progress--

b/c to HIM

progress means he might have to forgive and he's not into that....at all....

and we can hope that in time, w/o any pressure or expectation, he will be.
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I'm in total agreement on this. I think it's long overdue that you moved back into the MBR as it is. If you decide to ML, and he wants separation, he can drag his @ss to the other room afterwards!

And I wouldn't think of think of this of using ML as leverage, I'd think of it more as a boundary. Your feelings matter. So while you may be willing to ML, as part of that deal, you shouldn't feel punished afterwards....you should feel accepted, and loved.