Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Living in the Gray

the mysterious and for me, unfamiliar land that exists between black and white, right and wrong, good and bad.

Thanksgiving plans changed dramatically, another lesson in letting go. S19 and I were going to visit S23 on Weds, have dinner, spend the night in a hotel, see a movie today and then H would pick them up and take them to his niece's for the family Thanksgiving.

S19 has a major anxiety disorder which is pretty well controlled but it still rears it's head on occasion. Depression can be part of it. So yesterday S19 got up feeling very anxious about spending the night in a hotel, etc. (this has been a feature of the problem in the past) and he was depressed.

He has had an "off" week so this wasn't a huge shock but I knew he had been looking forward to this trip, so for him to say he didn't want to go was important. We talked about various scenarios that might work but in the end decided to cancel the trip. I talked with S23 to let him know we weren't coming and asked him to get in touch with H to let him know when he wanted him to be picked up.

I texted H to let him know there had been a change in plans and that if he hadn't talked to S23 to call him.

This morning I sent him an email letting him know that S19 was better by the evening and then filled him in on what I had observed earlier in the week.

Since we separated, H has never contacted me about how either son is. Yes he communicates with them, and I have always attempted to keep him informed of significant things. But I get nothing much back.

It's frustrating and it hurts.

Last night I should have been the one to let him know more fully what was going on but I let my fear of being rejected and my sense of self-righteous indignation (you don't want to talk to me, I'm not talking to you) take over.

My hurt little girl reappeared.

But today, after a pretty good night's sleep (yay) I think I moved more into that gray and my adult showed up for work.

There is not a right or a wrong, he's the F, it's information I would want, if the positions were reversed. What he does with it is up to him.

Is this the gray?

Since we separated, H has never contacted me about how either son is. Yes he communicates with them, and I have always attempted to keep him informed of significant things. But I get nothing much back.

It's frustrating and it hurts.

Last night I should have been the one to let him know more fully what was going on but I let my fear of being rejected and my sense of self-righteous indignation (you don't want to talk to me, I'm not talking to you) take over.

I understand this labug. Completely. I dint have the answer about the gray, but I do understand what you are thinking and feeling.

I hope you are doing well today. Happy Thanks giving. I hope S19 is doing better.


((((((( )))))))

Bug- Although mine are younger I do let H know. I'm sorry you still feel concerned about being rejected. Could that be why you haven't communicated in the past about them?

Generally I just spit out what I need to say to him. This came up with S14 when he had the major meltdown. I just said - look we need to talk about S14. This is the deal - this is what I think is going on - this is what IC said - and it would be great if you could also reach out to him and show support. Then I left it there. No other words. Just a sort of matter of fact unemotional unemotional relating of the facts as best I could.

Happy Thanksgiving. I am thankful for you and the others here on this board. You provide insight, guidance, and challenge me on my bad behaviors. In essence, this community is making better people.

Perhaps it is part of the gray. I dunno. I would actually say in the white I think. It's just doing what is right for your son. No matter what happens between us and our H our kids can never have too much love and support.

I have always communicated with him about sons stuff. And when I've communicated in the past it's been much like you describe, here's what's going on (and usually it is S19). S19 tends to tell everyone he's "fine" when he really isn't.

But I guess that's really something they need to work out and what I'm doing is more likely looking for connection and support that I'm not going to get even as a co-parent to a kid who still needs active parenting.

Melissa, living in the extremes of black or white takes away a lot of life as very few things are always or never. If something isn't good it doesn't mean it's bad, if I'm not perfect, it doesn't mean I'm awful. Learning to live in the gray, or staying away from extremes is actually healthy for me.

Thanks for helping me think this through.

Bugsy, I think you've nailed it ^^^!! Keep this line of thinking and you will be fine. Actually, you'll be better than fine. You'll be great!!

You're a great mother -- his anxiety disorder must be very challenging for you. I agree you did the right thing by floating it out there and I understand why you were stung when he didn't respond -- that's rude and dismissive.

On the other hand, you know that not responding is his thing, so you'll need to navigate to a place where you expect no response -- float it out there then let it go. That's all you can do, but it does suck and it's not normal. Their father should respond to messages concerning their well being.

W still does that to me. I text her that I will be home late from work. No response. Did she get it? Who knows. If I need a response I have to call, otherwise just let it float in the wind.

Thanks, Acc sometimes it's extremely challenging and it's just so random.

What you say about your W is true of H also. I probably take his non-responsiveness too personally. He's a pretty pragmatic guy and unless there is a question to answer he wouldn't see the importance of responding.

My neediness showing through.

Therapist says it's harder living in the grey, but there is a path. She says it may take a little extra time, but it's all good .

Take care of the babies, bug ((()))

LaBug,

I am so sorry you and your son are going through this. I hope he feels better and that you had a great time with him and with your holiday today even with the change of plans. I send you a big hug.

As usual, you have really analyzed your behavior, your motivations and come to the right conclusion and answer within yourself. Thanks for being such a great example for me and others to follow.

When I grow up I want to be like you.





Regarding ^^^^ I have also experienced it. H doesn't respond to probably 50% of the times I either text, email or call him about things that are either administrative or related to the kids. Last year it was worse - I think it was more like 90% of the time, so I guess this is progress - LOL...

I do agree that we should have no expectations to receive an answer. Yet I understand LaBug. It's hard not to have them when it comes to certain tough parenting issues. It's only human to still want or look for support from a co-parent in part for ourselves, but perhaps more so for our expectation that they care about their kids. That is harder at least for me to let go because my protective instinct about my struggling child also kicks in.

Not to mention it being a complete lack of basic manners. I know at least that my H responds to other people's messages, even mere acquaintances because it's just the right thing to do and how he was raised. Knowing it makes it harder not to take it personal.

Yet I agree 100% - out of our control, so need to let it go.

I hope you all had a great day today!

I know the feeling. (((Bug)))
My H was supposed to start child support last week, he owes me two payments now. I asked him lastnight, he said he will do it soon. I sent him a text about 10 hours ago because I need to buy stuff for D9 this weekend and I don't have the money. (I told him what I need it for.) no reply. The children just asked to call him, no answer. To top it off I found out he has taken OW away for the weekend to somewhere we used to go to as a family. Yep! He can not afford to look after his children (He has to give me a whole $70.00 a week) but he can afford to take OW away for the weekend.
I never thought my H would be such a crappy Dad and person but I'm glad it's happening now and not later. I can see him for the scum he really is.
There is no excuse to stop being a parent!