She thinks I am dependant on him and unrealistically want to sort things out.
Sounds to me like she's not marriage-friendly. Unfortunately not many MC's are.
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She tried to force him to decide try with me or leave for her.
Bad, bad, BAD move. This is NOT the time for ultimatums. Especially from a MC!! Unbelievable.
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He all but said leave and is seeing her next week so she can help him make his decision.
Of course he did, when a WAS feels caged in if you force an ultimatum on them they basically see it as "option 1- remain in cage" or "option 2- be free!!" What an idiotic move on the part of your MC. The proper thing to do is REMOVE all pressure! Do not force decisions! Validate their emotions without agreeing/ disagreeing, and give them time and space.
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Think it's hopeless - he has no interest in trying to work it out.
You're only a month since BD. Things nearly always seem pretty hopeless right after BD. You've got to DB for months before you see results, and even longer before you know which way things will go.
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He keeps saying I do not have the type of body he is attracted to and never have had
Took him 17 years to figure that out? Don't get bogged down in what he says, one of the DB tips says not to believe anything they say and only half of what they do. He may not seem like it, but he's hurting and confused and will say hurtful things.
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He also can't get past the fact I have a higher income than him and doesn't want to continue in that situation even though he was always aware that would be the case when we married.
All I can say when I see stuff like this is these men must have serious low self-esteem issues. Does he really draw his self-worth from how much he makes? And you're "better" than him because you make more? How can he not just be tickled pink that the more you make, the more money the family has? Makes no sense.
Dear AJ1, I am new to this site as well, so I don't know the lingo or the rules, and I am certainly no expert on relationships - obviously.
I am so sorry for your pain. I can relate on many levels.
As a man who was sexually absent with his wife, I can tell you that it had nothing to do with her body. My wife's body is a beautiful thing. My response to her sexually was MY problem. I've cheated on women in relationships before my wife (never on my wife) and I can tell you that men don't cheat because they think their wife isn't sexy. Men cheat because they need to feel THEY are sexy, or powerful, or still have some magic.
I see your husband as having tremendous fear of no being important. He has very low self esteem. I know this well, myself. He is probably feeling both unworthy and ashamed.Right now, he is probably trying to find someone and someplace that doesn't know how unworthy he is. He wants to be a hero to someone, and he probably feels he has messed up and failed so badly with you that a fresh start will be better. But, of course, the problem with still exist.
His cheating is about him. But your feelings about sex are about you. And you can change how you feel about you. Practice your sexiness. There is Great advice above - about dressing and perfume. I would flirt with men if I were you. Not be a tease, but just open yourself up to seeing how other people see you. I bet you are seen as sexy by many people. Let that bolster your confidence.
Your husband is behaving badly. He is afraid. He is feeling very small right now. I think the best thing you can do for him and your self is to pull back from him. Find a little quiet in the relationship. I know when I can muster this, things get better for me. Love him as you would a good friend going through this problem. And start to rediscover just how wonderful you are.
Then, as your relationship settles down, you will be able to start working on it from a place of strength.
