Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers MLC w/Depression...withdrawing!

wonder what will eventually happen.
You mean you haven't bought that crystal ball yet? Hey, I should see my psychic lady she was a scary teller of truths.

I do feel stronger, I just have to be careful because I know I'm stronger than H as does he, so I don't want to scare him, not trying to be a bully. He knows I could eat him up and spit him out, so he may be treading right now, he calls it making a decision, I call it have your "calling your bluff"

Journaling:
This afternoon h was so elated because he and S21 get to work at the election live coverage. He was there for the celebration coverage 3yrs ago so now that of course it has some symbolism to him.

What is it with the "signs", the book fell of the shelf so it must have been "given" to me, that particular song played on the radio just as I blah blah. He has no sense of himself that he laches on to every an any sign for direction he can find.

He actually told me that he gets more work (freelance) when he has talked to ea that day, than not. Also, his stool is more solid on those days as aposed to the when he doesn't talk to her, his bumb is glued to the toilet

Really!!! I look at him like he had 3 heads and he felt so justified in it all.

So now that the work (election gig) has come full circle it's a sign that life will be better by his reasoning (didn't really listen). And, if this works out than he can "come home''.

Last week it was something else...and so on...and so on. He reaches so much for a better life without ever excepting what is in front of him.

I told him it's how he talks about ea as if she saves his life. How he clings to her life style that I will not tolerate anymore. If that's what he wants than go after it, I'm ont afraid of that anymore. He said he's not trying to "get with her" he just can't break the friendship.

I'm not going to push it...I'm going to "act as if" as I start my path for myself. He won't even notice until one day I change his life by my actions. Sound familiar?

DawnMarie one of the things I actually did say to H yesterday in the course of it all was that although I said I would work on the M I would NOT so long as he is seeing someone else. So I am going to give it some time. I guess I will ride this through maybe May (when I graduate) if something hasn't changed then likely I will be ready to let go by then and file for D. Which I am sure will shock him. I figure it will be well past the 6 month mark for them and I will be able to see if there is any renewed hope or not. That probably sounds dumb. You have done this for so long, I don't know how you do it! You are so strong.

Thanks for checking in on me.

journaling:
A friend who's known H and I since the begging reminded me a little of who I am/was before I became a wife. Me, the one who likes attention, needs comfort, and loves a good time w/friends and family.

She reminded me that I was smart, strong, curious in life's adventures and not at all the pushover I have been lately. She thought all those qualities were why H fell for me in the first place.

I fell into routine, found my comfort zone and became an adult, with mom duties, w/responsibilities. Not an abnormal life path pretty true to life.

My H however living backwards wants to re-live those days, go back and do it "right" so he will be happy today.

Me, I'm happy with today! Do I want for anything, sure I have dreams and aspirations, but not in the face of sh!tting on what I do have.

Everything h says he doesn't want, will come his way (old age, retirement, ect.) no matter how much he holds his breath.

I was always looking forward to that part of my life soo much! We watched a movie when we first married called Mi Familia ~ My Family. It took you from the begging of a marriage with there first cup of coffee on the porch, through all of life's challenges, up to the later part of their life, just the two of them again, sipping their coffee on the porch.

We said that would be us, God and family is most important, together we will get through anything.

Today I find myself facing the future without my comfort zone, without my gift of history, but with maybe something new. I figure if I don't stay with H, whom ever I meet will be my age or more, so you gotta think he'll come with some of the same dreams, and idea's the second stage of life brings.

Not giving up here, but not giving in to the idea of life without love or recommitment. I'm still young here!

YES YOU ARE STILL YOUNG!!!

Journaling: My h has reached a point were he talks to me all the time now. Constantly telling me what's in his head, why he feels the way he does about life, his plans still to move out so he can be close to work (plus our home feels like a trap, prison)

I find myself floundering with this statement from saying "go then'' to letting him know how I don't approve, to saying nothing.

He takes each one of my ''in the moment'' responses all the same, as if he too has multiple opinions about what he's saying, good and bad.

This is such a jo-jo stage, there is no real conclusion to anything he wants to do, or says he's going to do.

I still need work on myself. I need to go back and relearn how to disregard everything he says. He just seems so matter of fact, like he's in full control.

I feel like I'm spinning out a bit. I am very lonely without my friend, I knew winter weather would bring it on especially cause I get so cold.

Journaling: First, let me say I was really tired last night and it's called the yoyo stage, really I swear I can spell I just can't type as fast as my brain spills out.

I have been reading so much of the archives here as there is so much wonderful info. I have made a doc. of soo much stuff I never want to forget.

Ex: Standing is an essential part of the healing process of the LBS. You will constantly questions this throughout.

You will ask yourself questions like "WTF am I doing this for this person?"
In the beginning we want answers.

Why did this happen?
How could they do this?
Who am I?
What do I believe in?
What do my vows mean to me?
Why do I hurt?

And the BIG ONE...
What is it about ME that made them leave?

IMO you don't get answers unless you choose to take the hard road, STAND, and go on the journey.

At first you tend to look at it as a quid pro quo- I am willing to do this for a while until I see some progress. IOW you do it EXPECTING some outcome ...

As time goes on and your expectations aren't met you question again...

It is all part to of the journey. You may even have trouble articulating why you are doing this to other people or yourself.

Then you start to look inside....
Then you start to see who YOU are...
Then you realize that this is part of YOU

What you have chosen is part of YOU and your character. So what began out of a search for answers for why and what is wrong with you. Out of hurt for what someone did to you...

You see it all has to do with who YOU are. The best part of who YOU are and then...

It is no longer about what THEY choose or why.
It is about YOU

Later you realize many of the questions you wanted answers for aren't even important anymore. END

It's about ME!? Again, such a hard concept for me, I don't like being the focus, I like giving the spot light.

I think I'v learned early on if I expect any focus onto myself I will be disappointed. So I became a giver and in return received my own kind of satisfaction.

There was harshness in my family and attention was always neg. even if it was for something pos. it always had a neg. following. LIke, a B+ in math great...why not an A!

Thanks a$$whole was the ''under my breath'' comment from like 3rd grade! Then when I didn't say anything it was an insult to ''them'' for not sharing my news.

I stuck with the not sharing anything...and that's were I'm at with little friends, no confidant, not even someone to call for lunch, because H was all of that!

H was the one person I let in...and now I'm reliving my painful past of loneliness, and let down by those I love.

I was dumping my whole childhood insecurities on him in the begging of MLC, when all of my emotions were flooding my thoughts, lately I have learned to just give him the part he deserves these days (figuratively)!

Meanwhile, I am still dealing with myself, by myself, talking to everyone here, (thank God) and though I see a very slow progress, I am still soo stuck!

Well what you should say is actually a combination of those. "I care deeply about you and don't want you to go, but I want you to be happy and if you feel that leaving will make you happy then I support your decision." You're telling him you don't approve, but you accept his decision. And it does have to be his decision, you shouldn't tell him to go (unless you're ready to drop the rope).

Each of us is on a different journey. Each person's focus needs to be on their own journey. If you're focusing on someone else's journey, you'll trip over a rock on your path while you're watching their feet.



My sitch has taught me that there's only one place any of us can reliably draw happiness and contentment from- within ourselves. You say "loneliness", I say "time with oneself". We're only lonely if we convince ourselves we have to be around others to be content. But we don't. I'm not saying to be a hermit, but I am saying that we don't have to be around someone else 24/7. It's healthy to have a mix of alone time and time with others.

I like this alot! There have actually been a few times that I was rational enough to say something very similar, even brave enough to ''drop the rope at the time''.

I am all over with my emotions, I know in my right mind him leaving would have great benefits w/lesser in my face pain. But, I can't wrap my mind around leaving your family for nothing, a life beneath what he has.

My S21 worked on a very large gig yesterday giving me all the info about the guys H has been working with for over 18yrs (they work in the same field). These guys are clean cut, working, producing, growing, getting older, loving their families, and one of them shared a story of how he's taking his wife skiing.

WTF!!! After all these years "I" ended up with the wackadoodle. THis is what I get!

He can leave, I will not beg him to do anything, but I will not feel sorry for him, do anything for him, or have sympathy for a man that will put forth no effort for himself or me!

AT: ''time with oneself"

I know what your saying, but hell I was an only child with 2 working parents, A lach key kid.

I need to get the child out in me that's feeling alone again and learn how to be alone as an adult. I can't believe I have to say that after all these yrs of having a partner!