Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Staying off the ride 3 - being authentic

Thanks Bug - yeah - I always seem to end up here too but now I'm going to the DIY store and I'm getting me some real BIG boundaries. I haven't been good at investing in them before, always bought the cheap ones - they were made of feathers and built on sand as they say and just collapsed when H trod on them.

But these ones are going to be STRONG and RE-ENFORCED (they may even win an award!).
He's not getting near me or my heart again without some proof he's genuinely interested in sorting this M and him Self out.

These boundaries are going to be SO BIG that he will need to be the BRAVEST man in the world, with the BIGGEST LADDER you ever did see and some really thick trousers to get over the anti-personnel wire.

Infact, I might just be building me a castle.
How do you like that H? We can have his and hers LOL!!!

There. My imagination always make me feel better

Tumbling, you have a great imagination.
It seems you are feeling better about the sitch, which is good. Boundaries are definitely needed...

Oh, and thank you for the link. Can't wait to read your blog!

Because you deserve someone who will put in the amount of effort, good for you. And listen, my switch has only been two weeks, but I have come so far( still a long way to go) and I realized that he hasn't moved at all. Not a bit. Not to look at anything in a different perspective. You have come so far and might I suggest Teflon? Requires much effort to scale

Belated happy thanksgiving to those across the pond

Thanks Tori - you are right. Boundaries are SO important and necessary. I guess I just wasn't ready to stand up for who I am before. Writing the post about the biggest boundary ever - really helped me understand what I needed to do.

Thanks RT - for your support. I love the teflon coating on my boundaries. I definitely deserve someone who will put in the effort. Not to worry you BUT i don't think my H has done much work on him Self in all this time. He occasionally looked inwards but more often than not distracted him Self w xbox or work - easier.

Journalling
Hurrah - I'm still on the blanket (behind my BIG BOUNDARY )
Day 5 NC and I feel good.

Work has been fantastic this week (I'm buzzing), had my appraisal today and things are going to be exciting for me next year.

GAL
dinner w a gf Tuesday night and Spanish last night.
This evening I cleaned (kind of therapeutic) and talked to my best friend who lives in the Channel Islands.

I also did some online shopping at w/e and invested in a lovely new purple bag for work - that makes me smile when I look at it.

Haven't heard about the 150miles away job but the more I think about it (same money, no friends in the area, potentially too back office for me these days, could do it standing on my head) the more I think it's best for me to stay round here. Moving somewhere new in Feb may be too soon for me emotionally. Too much change in one go.

I still wonder why I can't end this set up - buy him out - divorce. I think it's because I remember the good times (before he had this d4mn job) and that we still have them when we are together (frustratingly). And that he is either MLC or depressed and that leaving someone when they are in that state is not compassionate.

I have realised tho that I can take control of the situation and stop waiting for him to make a decision. I am taking a timeout. I will tell him - if he contacts me - that we need a timeout, I can not deal w his stonewalling behaviour, that I want to think about what I want and that I will be in touch when I am ready to talk. That way I can focus on GAL, CG development, get my Self detached and centred. In my head I am thinking NC til January. Scary thought but positive too. I don't think we have done more than 10 days during this 2yr separation.

I am not sure if this statement ^^^^^ is DB but it will keep me emotionally safe, in control and prevents the ride. I was doing OK w texts until I saw him. Seeing him gets my hopes up. Until I can detach, I don't think I can text or see him. Texts satisfy him but it isn't enough for me and I have enough people txtng me as it is. And I don't need one way messages, I need interaction / appreciation that I get from my friends and the board (virtual presence)

Thank you all so much for helping me. Goodness knows what kind of basketcase I would be if I hadn't found all of you.

Questions
Another thought that I ponder is that some days I am just fine and dandy - living in the Now - no worries about H.
And I wonder if that's OK? I mean it's great for me but if I am great without H - why am I not done?

Is that just result of GAL and really it's good to be great alone? I know we should be WHOLE people no matter who we have relationship w.

Sometimes too I think to my Self. Look at all the things you can do Tumbling w no stress or worries that H won't want to share those things.

And then I remember that I loved coming home to tell him about my adventures (when he listened) and that it would be too weird being w a man who wanted to be with me ALL the time.

I really miss the man he used to be but I have lots of friends who are delighted to hear my latest tales

Me too. NC unless major emergency with kids or house. I need a husband not a friend, so am not biting anymore either!



Because you are not done with H and you are learning that you can have great days/weeks/months without him. Your happiness is not tied to H and the two are not mutually exclusive.


I miss my old husband too, =but you know what? I also missed the old me (and she and I have been getting re-acquainted )

Ruby's right, Tumbling, you aren't done yet. So just go with it, you're getting there.

And when you think about him, maybe say to yourself, "Yes, it was good, but that's gone."

And the problem isn't within you, so you can't fix it. (hmmm seems to be a theme today).

Hey Tumbling, how are you doing today? Its ok not to be 'done' yet. It has to happen when YOU are ready and only you will know when that it. You could just wake up and feel 'done'. I like Bug's suggestion of saying it was good, but thats gone. Means we don't have to deny what we KNOW was good, while also accepting the reality of the present.

((((((Tumbling))))))

I like what Ruby said: "I need a husband not a friend" I feel the same way. Our R's with our H's have changed so much, but at least we have the power to define the way we want these R's to be, and if our H's don't agree, then there's nothing we can do about it except for being patient with both ourselves and our H's...until we know we don't want to be patient anymore, or our H's make the decision for us.

Hang in there, Tumbling.

In my experience, relationships have a life span which seems to be independent of our say in the matter. I know that I've stayed in relationships well beyond their shelf life but the fact is they just aren't over until they're over. The inner knowing may come well before the heart catches up and the body follows suit. Or something shifts in the relationship through grace and you find each other again.

It's perfectly OK for you to be feeling fine and dandy. Just enjoy it! The R will find its level.

You do sound on great form, Tumbling. Enjoy your new purple bag!

Tumbling,
It's been awhile and I'm glad that I get to read positive updates about how You are w/i your sich. Trying to redefine a R is challenging, yet appears to be worth it / if possible. Keep up your GALing (i'm a bit jealous )

Hope you're still doing well.
((((( )))))