CG advises Strict LEANING BACK MODE for me MKB - let him initiate It's going to be tough but I will feel much better if I let go
- I really can't deal with no replies and if he asks why I haven't been in contact i will say just that. - If he texts me I will answer in similar words - we will go back to Wendylon counting.
There have been no consistent good mornings or night,night texts since last wks date. monday - none just stuff about the car tuesday - none wednesday - he txt night,night - i stayed silent thursday - i txt good morning - he stayed silent - i txt about chatting that night - he phoned friday - he hung out at house a.m - kissed me on the lips - & said he'd call that night - didn't saturday - i txt admin question - silence sunday - i txt about internet - he phoned
i know people say there's progress but i just don't see it (IDQ is whispering "it's just not good enough") i know we had our date last week and hung out on friday morning but now the texting has got erratic i don't want to focus on it too much as i will get my panties in a bunch. I want to get back to where i was - focusing on me in fact i need to focus on me to work out whisky tango foxtrot i want
I love Opera. Well, I love Puccini and Verdi (Italian operas). I love the experience of having the live orchestra and I love the emotion in the women's voices. I get swept away in it. I get lost in it. I have tears openly rolling down my face and I don't care. The man next to me last night, looked over at me twice as I dabbed my eyes. At the last one I attended, the gent next to me gave me his hankerchief! I listen to the Opera when I'm cleaning unless I'm having a Janis Joplin day!
I will have to get my atlas out to see where the Appalachian mountains are...
Well, you said you didn't want to have a texting R, so here it is. Stay away from texts. Use them sporadically. Your H will start calling more, and seeing you more. It's a transition. Don't focus on whether he texted g'night or not. It's a good change.
I think you would enjoy hiking the Appalachian trail.
I am really missing H. After work tonight I went for a drink and a bite to eat with my mfriend from work. We are both doing the Spanish class so I suggested we did our homework after work with food. He's a nice guy and we get on well. I had a good time BUT afterwards I realised that spending time with mfriends highlights that none of them are H and I'd like to spend time with him. Maybe I should stop hanging out w my mfriends so I don't get that feeling?
Driving home I found my Self thinking about the space we both appear to need in our lives and how it might work in the future. I don't think either of us can handle living with someone full-time
a) we could carry on like this - joint mortgage on this house. I live in it and he lives on the base in the wk but comes home at w/ends. That's what many of the people he works w do.
b) i get that job I'm applying for and he lives in the house and I live away in the wk (rent a room) and come home at w/ends
c) i get that job and we both rent rooms near our places of work and buy another house in our dream location that we go home to at w/ends.
I realised that we don't have to do the "normal" thing if we don't want to. We've never talked about alternative living arrangements but it might just be what we need - along with other improvements yet to be determined/agreed.
There has been silence since our chat yesterday. I often question the drivers for non-initiating/leaning back. I know it prevents me from reaching out and coming back empty handed. It also feels like I am testing H and his interest - like you do when you meet someone for the first time. I don't want to play games. Don't I already know he is interested by his engagement, even though it's infrequent? I'm scared it will just continue like this, if I remain leaned back and don't say what I want/need (I guess I need to work out what I want first!) I wonder what message he is receiving - non interest? because that's not the message I want to send. But I am aware that too much initiation by me may equal pressure to H. But there is no opportunity/opening to say what I want/need in a relationship. Surely there will come a time for that?
Since he moved out, I have tread water whilst he drifts in and out of my life. I have only once said what's on my mind and that was this summer when he said he wanted to work things out and I said I wasn't sure. We did agree then that to fix us would mean committing to talking about what went wrong and what we both wanted but then he never got in contact when he came back. Perhaps he fears he can't give me what I need BUT, he doesn't even know what that is.
Things are definitely different this time Since joining the board, my attitude has changed. I am definitely more centred and Self focused. Detached? Before, I was obsessed w getting him to move home / when he was going to spend time w me. Now I want to open up about what we need and whether we can meet each others' needs. I can't believe we are like this (living apart but not finished) after all this time. I wish I had found this board earlier and not spent the majority of these two years fixated w getting him to move home. I fear that, as time goes on, we are drifting further and further apart and one day we will look up and notice that we haven't spoken or seen each other for months and at that point we will know what to do. On the other hand, neither of us seems to be able to let it lie. That suggests to me that we don't really want to drift away from each other.
I guess what I am trying to say is why go on like this when it's currently not what I want from a R?
Why does he get to set the pace? Is it because if I bulldoze it, he will run? Is it because he is so damaged from his parental relationship that he is scared so he has to build trust. Is it because I did so much making him feel not good enough/ wrong that he is not sure of me these days? How come he can't see that despite everything he is good enough for me? That the fact that I am still here is testament to the fact that I want him in my life?
I would really like to say "H, we both seem to want to stay together. Rather than tiptoe around, if this thing is on, then i would really like to explore with you how to build a relationship that satisfies both of us." But I know I have to time it right.
Enough rambling. I'm going to bed so that I can get up and swim in the morning.
PS Thanks Tori for the alternative view; that I didn't want to have a texting R so here is another one. I will try to look at it like that and not to freak out at the slow pace. I'm just scared that this is good enough for him and he thinks this is good enough for me (it isn't - but i guess i can't say that? yet?)
PPS Whilst writing this he text "night Tumbling Punkydo x"(3) I waited 10mins and then replied "Night night, Punkydo x"(3)
Tough love is about setting boundaries and not enabling his poor choices. The we will remain friends speech is just that. A speech. It is to ease his guilt at his actions by saying. See she agree's I can behave this way towards her and she will still be there for me. That is one of those conversations they say and as long as it sounds like you agree or validate. Then you agree to everything they are doing.
If you had said.
No. You lose me as a lover and as a friend. We will be acquaintances with a shared history and no more.
That would have given him something to think about. Most likely there would have been some crocodile tears and some well wishing tossed in for good measure but it would have been a truth dart tossed at him that would have hit home later.
You explain this to them once. Then you stick to your boundaries.
Let them experience the life they just said to you they want.
And when they drop a few crumbs to see if you nibble. You stick with your tough love and boundaries.
It is at this moment when they will experience crisis. The crisis you went through when they gave you the speech.
This is where they start to come around and work hard at matching their words with their actions.
Or they just carry on leaving you.
Or you give in and accept crumbs and they carry on with keeping you in a holding pattern.
^^^^^^ Chatter wrote this on Fierce Hope's thread
I've bolded what I fear I have done in the past and am doing now by not stating what I want/need.
ME41 H39 T12 M9 Ilybinilwy 10/2010 H moves out 11/2010 H moves in 09/2011 out 11/2011 Try to fix it alone, give up 07/2012 Tumbling to file 02/01/2013 :-) "Strong on the inside, soft on the outside"
I know the feeling of doing things and then missing H. I always want to share the fun that I've had with him. I'm not doing that as much know. It sounds like you are asking yourself a lot of good questions about where you want to go with the R.
Since you've agreed that you need to talk about how to make it work going forward, maybe it is time to start thinking about how to do that in a no threatening way?
M44 H57 D17 (special needs) M 18 yrs Bomb 7/2/12 Still living together
I'm sorry TumblIng, that is one of the things I struggle with too but today I have been thinking,.. I'm going to have to just move in with my life and have faith that if it's meant to be, it will be. I'm tired or worrying about the concerquences of everything I say or do. Had a long talk to H tonight and there was R talk, just little bits thrown in here and there (I'll post on my thread later.) but basically we talked as soon as I felt he gave me an opening I took it. The first time he changed the subject. Then he ended the convo. He called back about 20 mins later, he actually initiated a little r talk himself. None of it was futcure R talk but past R talk. Basically we both ended up throwing a little r talk in then going back to general conversation.
It ended in him still just wanting to be friends but he also said he will go with me on Monday to sort out an issue with a transfer. I'm not about to go and try to have a full on R convo with him but as Michelle says, Do what works. Keep your eyes open and see if their is negative side effects.
If you feel your H may respond positively, then I'd say go for it. So far though, what your doing seems to be leading to baby steps. While your still getting them, maybe try hold off for a bit. If you go two weeks with no baby steps, then I'd say go for it. Use your judgement and intuition. Good luck and sorry to post about me on your thread. I tried to keep the details small, I just wanted to say that sometime, saying what you want to can be a good thing. Just keep it short and watch your timing. If he pulls back , doesn't respond or changes the subject, let it go.
I too have those same feeling about why should I have to do it all and I came to the conclusion, I don't have to. It's not fair but thats life. Take care of yourself.
M: 29, H: 31 D: 9 S: 8 T: 13 Y M: 9 Y ILYBIDKIILWY 12/09/2012 ~~~~ Worrying does not empty tomorrow of its troubles. ~~~ it Emptys today of its strengths
Maybe I should stop hanging out w my mfriends so I don't get that feeling?