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So basically you are saying you were selfish and now you what? Are doing it out of anger? To get her back?

As for getting her to move back in with you- she needs to see real changes. Just because you filed for 50% custody doesn't mean squat. Are you asking for that now? Are you doing things that SHOW you want to be a full time father? Are you still buying yourself tons of stuff? What about your child and her? Did you ever spontaneously buy them things or was it always all about you? Frankly, it still sort of seems like it is. I find it a bit weird that you call your child "the toddler"
Almost like your not talking about a child and definitely not yours.

Why would you call an education account "stupid" and if it is just growing and no one can withdraw from it then WHY WOULDN'T YOU DO THIS FOR YOUR CHILD IF YOU CAN AFFORD IT??????

No offense but it sounds like you feel like she is twisting your arm or something. What she wants is for you to do these things on your own. Because YOU want to. Because YOU recognize it is the right thing to do.

I want my H to come home more than anything. That said, there is a caveat, I want him to WANT to come home. WANT change, and WANT to start new. I want him to be emotionally available and involved with our kids. Not because he HAS to but because he is interested and chooses to.

It really doesn't sound like your attitude has changed much you just have changed the things you have decided YOU want.

I hope you have thick skin, because I’m calling you out on your BS.



Finances were not a problem from YOUR perspective. Evidently it was a huge problem from HER perspective.

Did you have discussions about finances during your M? How can you be sure that it wasn’t problem to her?



You are trying to talk your way out of a situation that you acted your way into. Show her your changes. Talk is cheap. I don’t know you and I don’t buy what you are trying to sell.

What makes you think that she would want to come back to something that she got tired of dealing with? She didn’t make a spur of the moment decision to break up her family. Dealing with a selfish spouse gets old. Yes, I just called you selfish. It is unattractive and tiresome.



Bruce, get over yourself. Keep believing what you want. You are no different than most of us on this board.

Until you step away from your perspective and try to see things from her perspective, this 6 months will look like nothing in comparison down the road.



Did you do your part as a father before this? This is what WAW think, “Why did it have to get to this for him to step up?”



Really? Stupid education account? If you think that your activities are more important than your son’s education, you need to adjust your priority compass or get a new one altogether. Your priorities obviously do not align with your W’s priorities.

Bruce, your W asked for a D, because you weren’t there for her. She didn’t sign up for a part-time H and part-time father. I am pretty sure she isn’t going to come running back without seeing consistent changes in you for an extended period of time.

Don’t make changes as a tactic. They have to be real, otherwise you are wasting your time. By the way, the reason your W must see consistent changes is because she fears that you haven’t changed at all.

A marriage is not about giving 50/50. It is about giving 100/100. I learned that the hard way. Give your 100%.

I certainly agree. None of us deserve all the grief and misery our spouses are putting us through. We each have to decide if DB'ing is worth the effort to -maybe- save our M. Would be nice (and easier) if we knew we would eventually save our M's for sure, but we don't know that.



5 months is a long time to be sure. But reconciliation rarely happens in that time frame.



She's still on a journey and hasn't reached the end yet.

First of all, it would help if you stopped referring to your son in the third person. He is your son whether you get back together or not. Start referring him with the respect he deserves.

Next, you're allowing your own biases to interfere with your son's well being which is where many of the resentments from your W stemmed from.

I mean, if you're criticizing his education fund, then you have alot to learn.

Did you really read DR?

Contrary to what you believe, it doesn't matter if you're together or apart in order for DB to work. It's what you do in the time together that counts.

Oh crap !
Someone knocked at my door tonight with an envelope..., and yep, there it is, she beat me to the clock, she filed for D!

All of this because I told her I would ask for 50% of MY SON.
She has the nerve to ask for maintenance for her, on top of money for our son and wants 100% custody and allow me three visits per week. She must be dreaming! And yes LITB, I asked more time with my son and she refused, that is why I filed for 50% access, which, despite her D filing, I hopefully might obtain.
I SHOWED (acted) her my changes on top of promising them!

I realize I came across as faking my changes as a tactic, but no, I'm genuinely interested in my son, his well-being and his education. It's just that finances are not a problem, he's a toddler and until university time, there's a long way between.
We never talked about it before, because I was making enough money for everybody. As I said, I didn't see it coming. And after the bomb, she refuses going to counselling or M therapy.

I didn't buy myself anything excessive, and I buy toys for my son often for my -until now arranged- "visits".
As for my wife, I bought her several small things, a gift card, birthday gifts etc... but I didn't want to overkill neither.
(But yeah, I had to buy myself a car, winter boots, a new tv, a new computer, etc... I just arrived in the country!)

I think she has been talked into seeing a lawyer, and been convinced that happiness was found in D. I feel like sending her the first chapter of DR!

I've been there for my W consistently for the past 5 months, seeking reconciliation, seeking peace, being a perfect husband and father, and this is what I reap! Maybe yeah, she fears I haven't changed at all, but she should try me then!

And now, I don't know what face to show up with. "Oh how sweet of you for filing for D..." with a big smile, acting as if.
Or should I show myself not happy with it and tell her?

Bruce,
I'm really sorry you got served. It sukks.. big time.
I can see the anger in your words.. I know it hurts....

... take tonight and be angry. It's okay. This is your life and you are watching it crumble before your very eyes.

But please.. PLEASE do not show your W this anger. Do not stay here in this emotion long.

Anger can be used to move forward.. but it must be done with extreme caution. And from all the posts I'm reading - you are just too angry.

Anger will ruin you.. your life, your relationship with your son. It will ruin any chances of getting back together with your w.

Is that what you want?

And if your asking yourself WHY? Why should you be the person to swallow your anger? Why should you be doing all the work?

Because on that day - you promised that you would love her.. for better or worse.

And maybe you didn't expect that the worse would mean this.. and maybe it is questionable that she still deserves your love.

... but you promised her all the same. Live up to it. Be the man you promised to be.

You can do this!

That does suk that you got served. One thing that I want to mention, I'm sure her L instructed to shoot for the moon. If her L didn't, they wouldn't be doing their job. Don't get hung up on that.

I understand that this is discouraging, however it shouldn't change your goals.

Like Val mentioned in her post, process the hurt and anger, then take the collective DB'ing bull by the horns and live up to your promise.

You don't want to look back in the future and regret that you didn't give it your all during this time.

Thanks my friends,
I had a horrible night, and a horrible day.
Went to my lawyer this morning, and yes, apparently they shoot for the moon when there's no need for it, which shows animosity against me, rather than seeking a peaceful mindset.

More than angry, I'm disappointed. Disappointed in myself, because after 5 months, what I thought were baby steps, really weren't apparently. She still is intent on D, which means my first broad goal failed.

Disappointed in her, because she didn't tell me she went to the L, doesn't reply to the emails I send, disappointed because she truly wants all our son for herself, as if that's gonna happen.

And, to top all of it, I don't even know how I should behave like now. I showed myself always upbeat and happy around her and my son. Given the circumstances, that wouldn't even be appropriate to show up all smiley, cracking jokes and all...

I still only see W and son twice a week, for a "visit" to my son. Any advice on what I should do next?
Anything? I have no idea where to start again from...

First - decide why you want to stay married and what you are going to do to make your W want to stay.

If it is only your son you can make other arrangements. Figure out what you want before you worry about how to act.
Besides, if it is what you want, then your actions will be sincere.

Good question :what am I going to do to make my wife stay.
If I knew what to do, I would be doing it.

Don'ts : writing letters, writing emails asking to consider seeing a counsellor, the pastor, etc... inviting her for a diner, inviting her for a coffee, inviting her to have a 5 min talk, telling her ILY, calling her, emailing her too much.

Dos : be upbeat, play with my son, getting interested in her , ask questions about her (and listen), asking questions my son(show interest), tell her at least one compliment per meeting, write fewer emails (it's our only way of communication by distance!)

Anything to add to this list, ladies and gentlemen?